MIKE You know, Jeff, I saw a lot of movies this summer. Some were good, most of them weren't. But there was one movie that reminded me so much of you that I just had to tell you about it. But if I do, you might be insulted. JEFF Oooh, don't tell me, I want to guess. Was it "Fantastic Four" because I'm so fantastic? MIKE Uh, no. JEFF Ok, was it "The Island" because I'm an island unto myself? MIKE Definitely not. JEFF "Crash?" Was it "Crash?" I bet it was "Crash." MIKE No, it wasn't "Crash." It was "The 40 Year Old Virgin." JEFF What?? "The 40 Year Old Virgin?" MIKE See! I knew you'd be insulted. JEFF I am insulted. How could a movie about a 40 year old virgin possibly remind you of me? MIKE Well, you know... JEFF No, I don't know. MIKE I just thought you and the title character have similar aspects. JEFF Similar aspects? (pauses, gets it) Oh, come on! That is not true! MIKE I didn't say it was. But you have to admit, it's not exactly surprising that I'd think like that. JEFF Why? MIKE Well, the way you act. The way you dress. Everything about you just screams that you're... JEFF It's not true. Not a chance. Uh-uh. No way. MIKE I don't know. You're kind of protesting a little too much. JEFF So now because I deny it, that makes you think it's true? MIKE Kind of, yeah. And even if it were true, I wouldn't care. It's not a big deal anymore. JEFF No! No way, absolutely not! Ok, it's true. MIKE What? JEFF I am what you think I am. I didn't think it was that obvious, but I guess I was wrong. MIKE Oh my God, you really are? That's great. I think it's really wonderful that you can admit something like that to me. We've really come a long way since we started reviewing movies. JEFF (looking around) You won't tell anyone, will you? MIKE Of course not. But I have to ask, why are you telling me? JEFF What can I say? I guess I've just been afraid of it, and talking about it can work me through my fear. And I didn't want you to think less of me. MIKE Trust me, I couldn't possibly think any less of you. JEFF I think for me, getting older and getting to that place in my life is like the beginning of the end of something. Like as soon as I do it, my childhood will be gone forever. MIKE But it's worth it though, trust me. JEFF Yeah, that's what I've heard. I just want to do it, move on and move forward to the next phase of my life. MIKE Do you have anybody in mind? JEFF Maybe just a few friends. You're welcome to come, if you'd like. MIKE Um, that's ok. Things might get a little weird. JEFF I should hope so. After all, you only do it once. MIKE Most people do it more than once. JEFF More than once? How is that even possible? MIKE Just don't drink so much beforehand. JEFF I plan on being drunk the whole time. I don't even want to REMEMBER it. MIKE It won't be that bad. JEFF How would you even know? You're a little young, aren't you? MIKE Hey, I might have gotten a late start, but I've made up for it since then, believe me. JEFF Now I'm really confused. MIKE I have to ask. Other than fear, why haven't you done it yet? JEFF Done what? MIKE You know, had sex? JEFF What? MIKE You said you're a virgin, like in "The 40 Year Old Virgin". JEFF A virgin? HA! I have sex constantly. MIKE Then why did you admit you were? JEFF I didn't! I admitted I was about to turn 40! And seriously, don't spread that around. It might hurt my marketability. MIKE So all this time, you were talking about the fear of turning 40? I seriously thought you were a virgin. JEFF I get laid all the time. I was nailing some chick in the bathroom just before we came on stage. MIKE Bullshit! Who was she? JEFF Your mother. MIKE Oh, that's real mature. This coming from someone who's turning 40? MIKE'S MOM (offstage) Mike? Is that you? MIKE Mom??? JEFF HA! BLACKOUT |
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