Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. They just came out with the new Harry Potter.

MIKE. I heard.

JEFF. I gotta tell you, I think it’s the best one yet.

MIKE. The book, or the movie?

JEFF. There’s a book?

MIKE. Of course, there’s a book.

JEFF. Of the new movie?

MIKE. There’s a book of all the movies.

JEFF. Why would they do that?

MIKE. Oh, I dunno. To make money?

JEFF. Who’s gonna buy the book of a movie they’ve already seen?

MIKE. Actually, the books come out before the movie.

JEFF. That’s even worse!! (covering his ears) Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert!

MIKE. How is that worse?

JEFF. Why would they make a book that gives away the ending of a movie that hasn’t even come out yet?

MIKE. No, the books come first. Then they make the movies, based on the books.

JEFF. What?! How is that even physically possible?

MIKE. What?

JEFF. If the movie hasn’t come out yet, how do they know what to put in the book?

MIKE. The books are written on their own, as books. Then they read the book to find out what’s going to be in the movie, when they make it.

JEFF. Mike, what you’re saying is impossible.

MIKE. Oh, come on. They make books into movies all the time. Don’t tell me you didn’t know that.

JEFF. Yeah, but these are good movies.

MIKE. Then I’ve got some bad news.

JEFF. So you’re saying someone time-traveled back in time so they could write the Harry Potter books before the movies came out, just to find out what to put in the movie, which they’ve already ruined by giving away the ending in the book before it came out?

MIKE. No. I’m saying the movies are based on books that were originally written to be enjoyed as books, in and of themself.

JEFF. That’s crazy. Who would do such a thing?

MIKE. Her name is J.K. Rowling, if you’d like to file a complaint. I’m sure there’s a website.

JEFF. Who?

MIKE. J.K. Rowling. She writes the Harry Potter books.

JEFF. Is she in Gryffindor?


JEFF. She’s not a Hufflepuff, is she?


JEFF. Thank God. Cuz those would be the worst books ever.

MIKE. She’s not a student at Hogwarts.

JEFF. Then where did she learn it?

MIKE. How to write?

JEFF. How to do magic.

MIKE. She’s not a witch. She’s never been to Hogwarts.

JEFF. Then how does she know what goes on there? In such graphic detail? Is she a teacher?

MIKE. No, she’s a real person.

JEFF. So just an ordinary witch? With a normal job? Like dragon wrestling.

MIKE. That’s not a real job.

JEFF. And you’re saying she writes the books first, without seeing the movie?

MIKE. Yes.

JEFF. So she’s psychic?


JEFF. Why doesn’t Hermione just write the books. She’d be way better at it. Plus, she was there when it all went down.

MIKE. Hermione is a fictional character.

JEFF. Oh, I see. So there’d be a conflict of interest.

MIKE. There’d be a conflict of reality. Hogwarts is not a real place.

JEFF. Then why does all this stuff keep happening there?

MIKE. Because the author makes it up.

JEFF. And it just happens?


JEFF. Because, to have that kind of power, she’d have to be…

MIKE. She’s not a witch.

JEFF. Or a goblin.

MIKE. She’s not anything magical. She’s just a very creative person.

JEFF. Whoa! You just blew my mind.

MIKE. Well, it was probably a very short blow.

JEFF. So it’s all in her head?

MIKE. Yes. But not physically in her head.

JEFF. She must have a huge head.

MIKE. It’s not inside her head!

JEFF. Cuz there’s a train station, too. Is that inside her head?

MIKE. Her head is normal size.

JEFF. And Hogwarts is really tiny?

MIKE. It’s not in her head!

JEFF. Then where is it?

MIKE. It’s in her imagination.

JEFF. Which is where?

MIKE. It’s not a real place.

JEFF. I’ve seen the movies. It looks pretty real.

MIKE. Yeah, they do that on purpose. They make the movies real-looking, so that people like you don’t have to use their imaginations!

JEFF. So they’re just making these movies to trick me into going to Hogwarts, and it’s not even a real place?

MIKE. No, they don’t want anyone to go there. That’s all you. Hogwarts doesn’t exist.

JEFF. So I imagined it?

MIKE. No, J.K. Rowling imagined it.

JEFF. And I’m reading her mind?

MIKE. No, you’re watching a movie, which is based on a book, which is based on her imagination.

JEFF. Which isn’t real?

MIKE. That’s right, it’s not real.

JEFF. She has no imagination?

MIKE. Her imagination is real. Just not the things in it.

JEFF. So Professor Snape, the guy from Die Hard, he’s not real?

MIKE. The guy from Die Hard is real. Professor Snape is not–No, wait, scratch that. The guy from Die Hard is also not real. The terrorist guy.

JEFF. So I hallucinated all of that.

MIKE. They’re both characters. The guy who played the guy from Die Hard, he’s real.

JEFF. Right, that’s who I’m talking about.

MIKE. Alan Rickman, that’s who you’re talking about, the guy from Die Hard?

JEFF. Is that his name? I just call him Professor Snape.

MIKE. But that’s the thing, he’s not a professor in real life.

JEFF. Just when he’s at Hogwarts.

MIKE. No, he’s never at Hogwarts. It doesn’t exist.

JEFF. So the entire school — Hogwarts College of Witchcraft and Wizardry — it’s not even a real college?

MIKE. Actually, I think it’s a middle school.

JEFF. Then why do all the students look like girls I dated in college?

MIKE. Maybe you were dating underage girls when you were in college?

JEFF. No, I never went to college. I’m talking about last week. I was over at UCLA.

MIKE. And you were picking up girls who are in college? That I’d like to see.

JEFF. Well, you can’t.

MIKE. Why not?

JEFF. It’s usually pretty dark.

MIKE. This may sound like a strange question, but…

JEFF. Yes?

MIKE. Should we be talking about this? Without a lawyer present?

JEFF. I thought you were a lawyer.

MIKE. Why would you think I was a lawyer?

JEFF. I’d better not answer that.


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