JEFF. They just came out with the new Harry Potter.
MIKE. I heard.
JEFF. I gotta tell you, I think its the best one yet.
MIKE. The book, or the movie?
JEFF. Theres a book?
MIKE. Of course, theres a book.
JEFF. Of the new movie?
MIKE. Theres a book of all the movies.
JEFF. Why would they do that?
MIKE. Oh, I dunno. To make money?
JEFF. Whos gonna buy the book of a movie theyve already seen?
MIKE. Actually, the books come out before the movie.
JEFF. Thats even worse!! (covering his ears) Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert!
MIKE. How is that worse?
JEFF. Why would they make a book that gives away the ending of a movie that hasnt even come out yet?
MIKE. No, the books come first. Then they make the movies, based on the books.
JEFF. What?! How is that even physically possible?
JEFF. If the movie hasnt come out yet, how do they know what to put in the book?
MIKE. The books are written on their own, as books. Then they read the book to find out whats going to be in the movie, when they make it.
JEFF. Mike, what youre saying is impossible.
MIKE. Oh, come on. They make books into movies all the time. Dont tell me you didnt know that.
JEFF. Yeah, but these are good movies.
MIKE. Then Ive got some bad news.
JEFF. So youre saying someone time-traveled back in time so they could write the Harry Potter books before the movies came out, just to find out what to put in the movie, which theyve already ruined by giving away the ending in the book before it came out?
MIKE. No. Im saying the movies are based on books that were originally written to be enjoyed as books, in and of themself.
JEFF. Thats crazy. Who would do such a thing?
MIKE. Her name is J.K. Rowling, if youd like to file a complaint. Im sure theres a website.
MIKE. J.K. Rowling. She writes the Harry Potter books.
JEFF. Is she in Gryffindor?
JEFF. Shes not a Hufflepuff, is she?
JEFF. Thank God. Cuz those would be the worst books ever.
MIKE. Shes not a student at Hogwarts.
JEFF. Then where did she learn it?
MIKE. How to write?
JEFF. How to do magic.
MIKE. Shes not a witch. Shes never been to Hogwarts.
JEFF. Then how does she know what goes on there? In such graphic detail? Is she a teacher?
MIKE. No, shes a real person.
JEFF. So just an ordinary witch? With a normal job? Like dragon wrestling.
MIKE. Thats not a real job.
JEFF. And youre saying she writes the books first, without seeing the movie?
JEFF. So shes psychic?
JEFF. Why doesnt Hermione just write the books. Shed be way better at it. Plus, she was there when it all went down.
MIKE. Hermione is a fictional character.
JEFF. Oh, I see. So thered be a conflict of interest.
MIKE. Thered be a conflict of reality. Hogwarts is not a real place.
JEFF. Then why does all this stuff keep happening there?
MIKE. Because the author makes it up.
JEFF. And it just happens?
JEFF. Because, to have that kind of power, shed have to be
MIKE. Shes not a witch.
JEFF. Or a goblin.
MIKE. Shes not anything magical. Shes just a very creative person.
JEFF. Whoa! You just blew my mind.
MIKE. Well, it was probably a very short blow.
JEFF. So its all in her head?
MIKE. Yes. But not physically in her head.
JEFF. She must have a huge head.
MIKE. Its not inside her head!
JEFF. Cuz theres a train station, too. Is that inside her head?
MIKE. Her head is normal size.
JEFF. And Hogwarts is really tiny?
MIKE. Its not in her head!
JEFF. Then where is it?
MIKE. Its in her imagination.
JEFF. Which is where?
MIKE. Its not a real place.
JEFF. Ive seen the movies. It looks pretty real.
MIKE. Yeah, they do that on purpose. They make the movies real-looking, so that people like you dont have to use their imaginations!
JEFF. So theyre just making these movies to trick me into going to Hogwarts, and its not even a real place?
MIKE. No, they dont want anyone to go there. Thats all you. Hogwarts doesnt exist.
JEFF. So I imagined it?
MIKE. No, J.K. Rowling imagined it.
JEFF. And Im reading her mind?
MIKE. No, youre watching a movie, which is based on a book, which is based on her imagination.
JEFF. Which isnt real?
MIKE. Thats right, its not real.
JEFF. She has no imagination?
MIKE. Her imagination is real. Just not the things in it.
JEFF. So Professor Snape, the guy from Die Hard, hes not real?
MIKE. The guy from Die Hard is real. Professor Snape is notNo, wait, scratch that. The guy from Die Hard is also not real. The terrorist guy.
JEFF. So I hallucinated all of that.
MIKE. Theyre both characters. The guy who played the guy from Die Hard, hes real.
JEFF. Right, thats who Im talking about.
MIKE. Alan Rickman, thats who youre talking about, the guy from Die Hard?
JEFF. Is that his name? I just call him Professor Snape.
MIKE. But thats the thing, hes not a professor in real life.
JEFF. Just when hes at Hogwarts.
MIKE. No, hes never at Hogwarts. It doesnt exist.
JEFF. So the entire school Hogwarts College of Witchcraft and Wizardry its not even a real college?
MIKE. Actually, I think its a middle school.
JEFF. Then why do all the students look like girls I dated in college?
MIKE. Maybe you were dating underage girls when you were in college?
JEFF. No, I never went to college. Im talking about last week. I was over at UCLA.
MIKE. And you were picking up girls who are in college? That Id like to see.
JEFF. Well, you cant.
MIKE. Why not?
JEFF. Its usually pretty dark.
MIKE. This may sound like a strange question, but
MIKE. Should we be talking about this? Without a lawyer present?
JEFF. I thought you were a lawyer.
MIKE. Why would you think I was a lawyer?
JEFF. Id better not answer that.
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