JEFF. So I saw that School for Scoundrels documentary about the guy who goes to this school to learn how to be more of a scoundrel, and then the teacher steals his girlfriend, so he has to use what hes learned about evil to get back at him
MIKE. That wasnt a documentary.
JEFF. Its not?
MIKE. No. Its a fictional movie.
JEFF. But it has Billy Bob Thornton in it.
MIKE. Yeah, hes in a lot of movies. Hes an actor.
JEFF. No way! I totally thought he was a real person.
MIKE. He is a real person. Hes an actor. He won the Oscar for Sling Blade.
JEFF. Wait, hold up. That wasnt really him in that movie?! MIKE. (incredulous) He played a mentally-retarded person.
JEFF. Yeah, I know.
MIKE. Hes not retarded in any of his other movies.
JEFF. Not as retarded.
MIKE. Did you think he made a miraculous recovery?
JEFF. You gotta admit, his progress has been impressive.
MIKE. Hes not making progress. Hes an actor.
JEFF. So hes still retarded?
MIKE. No, he was never retarded.
JEFF. Uh oh.
MIKE. He was acting retarded for that movie.
JEFF. I donated money to Special Olympics because of him.
MIKE. Well good for you.
JEFF. I get that back now, right?
MIKE. No. They get to keep it.
JEFF. Well, that sucks! What a fucking rip off.
MIKE. I really hate to say this, but if youre stupid enough to get scammed by the mentally-retarded
JEFF. Im not sayin its not partly my fault. But now Im out 100,000 bucks!
MIKE. What!? Where did you get $100,000.
JEFF. Id rather not say.
MIKE. Why? What?
JEFF. Theres this retarded guy lives in my building
MIKE. Jesus Christ!
JEFF. I figured hed want to help Billy Bob get to the Special Olympics.
MIKE. Youre going to hell.
JEFF. So Bad Santa isnt a documentary either?
JEFF. And he wasnt at the Alamo.
MIKE. No, they were all movies.
JEFF. Well, that explains a lot.
MIKE. Yeah, like why Davey Crockett had a film crew following him.
JEFF. Hes a very famous person. They all have film crews.
MIKE. He was born before cameras were invented.
JEFF. Then what did they use to shoot his TV series?
MIKE. Hickory bark.
JEFF. Those native Americans were a lot craftier than we give em credit.
MIKE. So you thought the School for Scoundrels was a real place?
JEFF. Well, I knew something was fishy about it.
MIKE. Like what?
JEFF. Why would a former President be teaching at a University?
MIKE. Actually, a lot of them do that.
JEFF. So its based on a true story?
MIKE. No, this ones completely fictional.
JEFF. And also, if this guy wants to be evil to get back at the teacher who stole his girlfriend, why would he use lame pranks that the teacher taught him. Hes gotta see that comin.
MIKE. Why? What would you do?
JEFF. (thinks about it) Wire her diaphragm with explosives and detonate it when theyre trying to have sex.
MIKE. Id like to withdraw the question.
JEFF. Thatd work, wouldnt it?
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