Hi, kids, it's me, Virtual Jeff. Before you read The Audition, there's a couple things you need to know. This piece is a stunt monologue originally written for Inger Hatlen and Jen Moses to perform at Dolphinback Theatre's general auditions (in 1995).
You should also know that one of the directors in the "audience" was Jemal Diamond.
So sit back, and imagine you're in a theatre, with a notepad on your lap, your buddy Jemal beside you, and a long day in front of you, when Inger walks in....
Hello, my name is Inger Hatlen.
My first audition piece will be the part of April from Guilty in a Court of Love.
(she begins:)I took the fifth because I was protecting you.
(Jen has entered, livid. Inger, completely taken aback, turns to look at her.)That's my audition piece. You stole it from me.
What the hell are you doing?
You knew I was doing April from Guilty in a Court of Love.
I did not.
Where did you find it?
It was on the kitchen table.
That was my copy!
So? I didn't know you were going to audition with it.
You should have asked me.
You didn't ask me.
I didn't think you were going to steal my monologue.
Inger (aside to auditors:)
Can I start over?
(Jen grabs her arm. Inger jerks it away and turns on Jen, still trying not to make a scene, but getting very angry now:)I saw the script on the kitchen table, you weren't around, so I read it, and I picked this monologue to do, but I didn't steal it from you, and if you want to do it, too, fine, go ahead, do it, it's a free country.
My audition is right after yours! I can't do the same monologue right after you!
You did that on purpose! I asked you to call in and sign me up for an audition time and you signed up for the slot right before me because you knew we were doing the same piece.
Inger (drily, to the auditors:)
This is my roommate, Jen. She's a wacko. I should probably have her committed, but we need the eggs.
Jen (also aside to the auditors:)
All right, can I just say one thing? I'm looking for monologues for this audition, and my friend Dawn in New York sends me this script which is not available in this area, because there's this great monologue in it. And I decide to do it because not only is it a great monologue, but probably nobody has heard it before, and I leave it on the kitchen table for maybe one day, and my roommate steals it.--
I did not. I did not. I did not. Bullshitbullshitbullshitbullshitbullshit.
--And not only does she plan to audition with the same piece, but she volunteers to call in and sign us up for an audition time so she can arrange for her to go first, and shouldn't there be some kind of rule about this?
Inger (to auditors:)
I did not know--
(decides to tell Jen instead:)I did not know you were going to audition with this monologue.
You heard me rehearsing every night this week.
Now, you think I was listening at the door, I suppose. I don't know what you're rehearsing in your room.
The walls are paper thin! I know you can hear every word I say.
They're not that thin.
Oh yeah? Then where did I hear this:
"Uh uh. Ja-- Ja-- Ja-- Ja-- Ja-- JAMALLL!!! Jamal jamal jamal jamal jamal..."
(Inger is flabbergasted.)Was that some sort of celestial vision I was having??
(Inger turns to the auditors, ashen, while Jen launches into the monologue.)
I was not expecting any special favors.--
I took the fifth because I was protecting you... etc.
--If Jamal wants to cast me, I hope it's because I'm right for the role, and not because...
Well, not because of other things that it might be if there...
(with resolve now:)were other things, which there aren't because nothing happened, because I'm not that kind of person, and I would never do that, and if you can't see that, THEN FUCK YOU ALL!
(charging at Jen:)That's my monologue!
Help!! Help! Time! Time! Somebody call time!
(Inger tries to strangle Jen, but Jen comes out on top and strangles Inger.)My name is Jen Moses, and this was Inger Hatlen, and this was Guilty in a Court of Love or The Audition by Jeff Goode.