CUPID
HELLO!
My name is Cupid. Demigod of love.
Do you mind if I smoke?
Which reminds me of an old joke: "Do you smoke after sex?"
"Only for a few minutes, till I cool down." B'dum Bum.
So people ask me what I do for a living.
I say "cause trouble". heh heh.
Although, where I really make the big bucks is modeling for Valentine candy wrappers. Maybe you've seen this one.
[Poses as baby cupid]
I know, it's not quite the same without the diaper and the bow and arrows. I used to pose nude, but I don’t want to turn up on a webpage.
Which by the way, I wanted to clear up this thing about the bows and arrows. ‘Cause I don't know whose idea that was, but it was not me. Because, first of all, my aim is lousy. With a shotgun, maybe, but if I had to use a bow and arrow... Let's just say, There would be a lot more people with free time on the weekends. And have you ever been shot with an arrow? Trust me: Not very Romantic.
No. We use chemicals.
I know what you're thinking. "This guy doesn't look like a chemist." Hey, fuck you!
[catching himself:]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. As Demigod of Love I gotta be careful saying that to large groups of people.
Actually, no, the boys down at the lab do most of the work. I mainly handle distribution. Usually we use large public water supplies. If anybody notices, we tell 'em it's Fluoride.
It's hard to figure exact dosages on a lake, though, so we have been known to make mistakes. Which is why I don't recommend you drink the water in Chicago. And keep a safe distance from anyone who does.
Anyway, I just wanted to come down and clear up a few things:
The stuff is NOT addictive.
[Beat.]
Okay. It's addictive.
I don't use the stuff myself. Bad for business. You ever seen the movie Scarface? Besides which, I'm allergic. Gives me a rash and then I throw up. I know some of you have that reaction, too. Sorry. We're working on it.
So anyway, I just wanted to clear up these things about the bow and arrow and all before we get started. Thanks a lot. You've been great. I love you guys. Just kiddin', I told you I never touch the stuff.