master

PROLOGUE

[Lights up on Zeus’ answering machine:]

[beep]

ZEUS

Hello, this is Zeus, King of the Gods, I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number and the time you called at the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

If this is Daphne, Echo or any of the nymphs, press 1 to page me and I’ll be right down.

If this is Semele - and the window is open - press 1.

If this is Europa, or Leda. Press 2 for a personal message from the love bull. Or goose.

If you are a virgin, age 15 or over, please stay on the line, your call will be handled by the first available operator.

If this is my wife, Hera: [hypnotic:] "You are getting very sleepy. Your husband is a wonderful husband. You do not remember making this phone call. At the sound of the tone, you will wake up and dial another number."

[beep]

[song : Love Me Tonight]

DAPHNE

There's someone for everybody.

That's just destiny.

Somewhere’s a man whose every touch will

bring me ecstasy.

Whose lips electrify and thrill me,

whose fond embrace will almost kill me, oh-oh

But what can I do

till then?

I wanted the stars and the moon,

But not if I can't have them soon.

Love me tonight or lose me forever

I'm tellin' you, boy, I'm not tryin' to be clever

Make me your woman, but don’t make me wait...

(I like my men tall, dark and pronto.)

Some day, they say, my Prince will come

If I just wait and pray.

I could. But really where's the fun

In patience and delay?

The thought of him is so frustrating

Why is True Love procrastinating, oh-oh

But what can I do

till then?

Take me tonight or leave me forever

I'm tellin' you, honey, it's now or it's never

You gotta love me like no other man...

(or some other man will just have to do)

How I long for a love to enchant and spellbind me

At first sight I’ll succumb to his power.

But till then I'm not one to leave pleasures behind me

Locked in an ivory tower.

The Man of my Dreams will know where he can find me:

oh-oh

I'm out with the Man of the Hour.

So:

Love me tonight or miss me forever.

Relations like this, boy, you don't want to sever.

I'm so tired of waiting to meet Mr. Right...

Respect me tomorrow, but love me tonight!

[Enter Cupid.]

CUPID

HELLO!

My name is Cupid. Demigod of love.

Do you mind if I smoke?

Which reminds me of an old joke: "Do you smoke after sex?"

"Only for a few minutes, till I cool down." B'dum Bum.

So people ask me what I do for a living.

I say "cause trouble". heh heh.

Although, where I really make the big bucks is modeling for Valentine candy wrappers. Maybe you've seen this one.

[Poses as baby cupid]

I know, it's not quite the same without the diaper and the bow and arrows. I used to pose nude, but I don’t want to turn up on a webpage.

Which by the way, I wanted to clear up this thing about the bows and arrows. ‘Cause I don't know whose idea that was, but it was not me. Because, first of all, my aim is lousy. With a shotgun, maybe, but if I had to use a bow and arrow... Let's just say, There would be a lot more people with free time on the weekends. And have you ever been shot with an arrow? Trust me: Not very Romantic.

No. We use chemicals.

I know what you're thinking. "This guy doesn't look like a chemist." Hey, fuck you!

[catching himself:]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. As Demigod of Love I gotta be careful saying that to large groups of people.

Actually, no, the boys down at the lab do most of the work. I mainly handle distribution. Usually we use large public water supplies. If anybody notices, we tell 'em it's Fluoride.

It's hard to figure exact dosages on a lake, though, so we have been known to make mistakes. Which is why I don't recommend you drink the water in Chicago. And keep a safe distance from anyone who does.

Anyway, I just wanted to come down and clear up a few things:

The stuff is NOT addictive.

[Beat.]

Okay. It's addictive.

I don't use the stuff myself. Bad for business. You ever seen the movie Scarface? Besides which, I'm allergic. Gives me a rash and then I throw up. I know some of you have that reaction, too. Sorry. We're working on it.

So anyway, I just wanted to clear up these things about the bow and arrow and all before we get started. Thanks a lot. You've been great. I love you guys. Just kiddin', I told you I never touch the stuff.

[Echo runs in, startling Cupid.]

What the hell? Oh, right. Ahem. Let's see...

I take you now to a sylvan glade in an ancient mythic wood, where Zeus, Lord of the Sky and Master of Thunderbolts is again dallying with the nymphs.

SCENE 1

[The Forest]

[There’s a door in the “Forest” leading to the backroom. Echo listens at the door. Loud love making within.]

[After awhile, enter Daphne, spent.]

DAPHNE

Oh my God. I mean, he is my God, but my God.

ECHO

My God what? What? Tell me, Daphne! What was it like? I mean...

[trying to imagine:] Zeus, the king of the gods, down from the heavens in all his glory...

DAPHNE

All his glory. Oh, Echo. I have never... never...

ECHO

What? Never never what? Never never land? Never never bo bever banana fana fo fever?

DAPHNE

Echo, Oh my God, I... Try to imagine...

ECHO

Okay...

DAPHNE

Waitaminute. The King of the Gods is naked in the backroom and I’m out here exercising my imagination when I could be getting a complete cardio-vascular workout. I must be crazy. I’m going back for more.

[exiting:] Zeus!

ECHO

Back for more?! Oh my God.

[Enter Hera, with grim purpose]

HERA

Hello, Echo.

[Echo is very surprised to see her.]

ECHO

Oh, hello... Hera... Queen of the Gods... WIFE of ZEUS...

[Squeal of fear within.]

...and Goddess of divine prophecy. How may this lowly nymph aid or assist you in your almighty purpose?

HERA

I'm looking for my husband, Zeus.

ECHO

You mean Zeus, your HUSBAND, the king of the gods, lord of the sky, and master of thunderbolts?

HERA

No, the other one. Have you seen him or not, Echo?

ECHO

Seen him? Oh no, I haven't seen him. Seen him? No.

HERA

Well, then, if you'll excuse me, I guess I have to look elsewhere. ...I think I'll start in the backroom.

ECHO

No, wait! You can't go yet! I have not yet done sufficient homage to Hera, queen of the gods...

[Enter Daphne with a can of black olives under one arm. Hera glares at Echo.]

ECHO

Homage homage. Okay, you can go.

HERA

Hello, Daphne. I see you’ve been restocking your salad bar - pardon my French.

[Hera takes the can of olives. Daphne snatches it away from her.]

DAPHNE

Yes.

HERA

Don't go away, nymph. I might wanna predict your fate. [exiting:] Zeus!

ECHO

Oh Jeezus, Daphne! She’s caught him red-handed in the cookie jar with his pants down this time. Oh, she's gonna beat him to a pulp! Then she’s gonna beat the pulp. Then she’s gonna take the pulp and beat some eggs and make a pulp pie. Then she’s gonna take the pie and smash it in his face.

DAPHNE

Echo...

ECHO

Oh, God, if she comes out of there all covered in pulp I'm gonna toss my cookies.

[Enter Hera, Echo screams and tosses cookies. However, Hera is not covered in pulp, and she can barely conceal her fury and humiliation.]

HERA

So, Daphne, I guess I owe you an apology. Somehow, I thought you were with my husband, but I guess that's not the case, since he's not here at all. My mistake. Sorry. I hope I haven't disturbed you.

[Hera exits.]

[Hera comes back.]

HERA

But if I ever do catch you sleeping with my husband, Daphne, you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.

DAPHNE and ECHO

[delighted squeals:]

POSEIDON!

ECHO

He’s so sexy.

DAPHNE

He’s not just sexy, he’s an adventure.

ECHO

I hear the human body is 95% liquid, but when you’re with Poseidon, it’s like 96.

DAPHNE

I hear it’s more than 96.

HERA

[shutting them up:]

I’m not talking about Poseidon!!

[Daphne and Echo fall silent. Hera glares at them and stomps out.]

[Echo peeks in the back room.]

ECHO

Daphne, where's Zeus? He was here, right back there and you were too, and now he’s not, he’s gone and you’re here, and where’s Zeus?

DAPHNE

Ssh!

[Daphne points at the can]

ECHO

You turned him into pitted whole black olives!!? How awful!

DAPHNE

No, he turned himself into pitted whole black olives.

ECHO

How awesome! [to the can:] Zeus? Is that really you? Boy, you had me fooled. Fooled Hera, too. Hera? Boy, did you see her face? Face it, Zeus, you fooled her.

DAPHNE

Echo...

ECHO

Well don't just sit there like canned goods. Say something.

DAPHNE

Echo, he's not going to say anything, and he's gonna stay canned goods until we can smuggle him far enough away that Hera doesn't know he was even here.

ECHO

That's it! We've gotta smuggle him away so Hera doesn't know he was even here. Oh, this is just like that scene from the Iliad. Zeus can be the missing livestock, then all we need is a heroic, but unsuspecting messenger.

[Enter a Cook.]

Hey, Waiter!

[The Cook crosses to the stage]

COOK

I'm a cook.

DAPHNE

A cook? How exciting!

ECHO

How exciting!

DAPHNE

Listen, they need these olives in the kitchen right away.

ECHO

Salad crisis.

DAPHNE

Big emergency.

ECHO

Actually, no, what it is: they're defective olives. And they've been recalled. They have to be shipped back to the manufacturer.

DAPHNE

In Crete!

ECHO

But secretly. We don't want the customers to find out. Might cause a panic.

[The Cook exits with the can of olives. The nymphs breathe a sigh of relief]

DAPHNE

Hey, Echo, let's go down to the harbor and see if we can find a Greek sailor.

ECHO

A sailor? What are we going to do with a Greek sailor?

DAPHNE

What would any self-respecting nymph do with a Greek sailor?

ECHO

Oh my God...

[They exit.]

CUPID

So. The story of Narcissus and Echo. Now, true story, this really happened. Echo, nymph, nice girl, but talks a lot. You know the type. Always has to get in the last word.

Okay, along comes: Narcissus. First ever male nymph. I don't know whose brilliant idea that was, but I have to take my hat off to them, because you could not ask for a situation more rife with catastrophic potential.

First ever male nymph. So needless to say, the boy is confused. So he comes to his Uncle Cupid for advice. First mistake.

SCENE 2

[Narcissus taps Cupid on the shoulder, startling him]

NARCISSUS

Uncle Cupid, can I ask you something?

CUPID

Narcissus, let me clear up a few things here.

First of all, I am not your Uncle.

Second, don't ever touch me. Rule number one of mythology: If it looks like a cherub, it bites like the Nemean lion

NARCISSUS

Sorry.

CUPID

But then, I could be everybody’s uncle the way my mother sleeps around. Now, what is it, kid?

NARCISSUS

Well... I feel kinda funny asking this, but... Do you notice anything different about me?

CUPID

I give up. You got your hair cut? What?

NARCISSUS

No, what I mean is... I feel out of place with the other nymphs, like I'm... different.

CUPID

Now, who put this silly idea in your head, Narcissus?

NARCISSUS

It's just that I've been noticing how all the other nymphs like to chase after men or frolic with the satyrs, but sometimes... Sometimes I just want to drink beer and watch the Olympics.

And it seems like whenever the gods come down from Mount Olympus to rape and debauch, they almost never ask me out.

CUPID

Count your blessings, kid.

NARCISSUS

But it’s not just that. Lately, the other girls have been looking at me funny. Like... like ogling me. [confidentially:] And my little moustache problem has really gotten out of control. And I keep wondering when I'm going to fill out. And this all has me very concerned. Because I really want to fit in here. Is there something wrong with me?

CUPID

Let me explain a few things to you.

First, there is nothing wrong with you. Not everyone is exactly the same. You shouldn't let that upset you. So you're a little bit different? The other nymphs are gonna look at you funny from time to time. You just gotta hold your head up, and vive la difference. Which reminds me of an old joke: Question "What do you get when you cross a cow with a cow?" Answer "Who cares?? Tell me the one about Helen Keller and the Polish hockey team in a rowboat!" Variety is the spice of life, kid. You just gotta think of yourself as jalapeno dip.

Second - now this may come as a shock to you, but - the truth is...

You're a Lesbian.

[Narcissus reels.]

[aside:] You know, sometimes I'm filling out my 1040 form, and where it says "occupation" I just put "trouble".

NARCISSUS

I... I... I didn't mean to be.

CUPID

No one ever does.

[song: A Normal Life]

CUPID

Hyacinthus was a cutie,

He was unsurpassed for beauty

NARCISSUS

But he only wants to lead a normal life

CUPID

He was courted by a swallow,

By the Wind, and by Apollo

NARCISSUS

But he only wants a normal life

CUPID

Hyacinth made his selection,

Gave Apollo his affection

NARCISSUS

‘Cause he only wants to lead a normal life

CUPID

So the Wind picked up a discus,

Shot him through the solar plexus

NARCISSUS

A normal life.

I don't wanna be different

I get seasick from rocking the boat

Nowadays an idiosyncrasy

Is more unwelcome than a leper with the plague.

Oh...

CUPID

Achilles was a farmer,

Had no use for swords and armor

NARCISSUS

'Cause he only wants to lead a normal life

CUPID

Then they said "Hey, be a sport, all

But your heel-bone is immortal"

NARCISSUS

But he only wants a normal life

CUPID

So they sent him off to battle,

Like the slaughter to the cattle.

NARCISSUS

But he only wants to lead a normal life

CUPID

He was mowing through the ranks till

Someone shot him in the ankle...

NARCISSUS

A normal life.

I don't want to be special

I just want to be one of the girls.

I have dreams of being merely typical

Look at me! there's nothing so unusual.

I don't deserve to be one of a kind.

All of a sudden I feel like I’m caught in a spotlight

Neighbors are pointing and staring and calling me "strange"

Is it my fault I'm unique, instead of wholesome and average?

Sorry I failed to fit in, but I'm willing to change

Show me how to be normal

Read me the rule book and watch me conform

I confess I've been slightly irregular

But let me try, I'll be so unspectacular

I don't need to be stunning or singular

My square pegs will be perfectly circular

Tell me how to get lost in the crowd!

SCENE 3

[Enter Daphne]

DAPHNE

Hi, Narcissus.

NARCISSUS

[imitating her stance:]

Hi, Daphne.

DAPHNE

My goodness, look how you've filled out.

NARCISSUS

I have?

[He feels his breasts, they aren't there.]

NARCISSUS

[disappointed:]

Oh, don't tease me like that.

DAPHNE

No, I mean it. I hadn't noticed before, but you're turning into quite a hunk.

NARCISSUS

I am? You don't think I'm too butch, do you?

DAPHNE

Just the right amount.

[She attaches herself to him]

You want to kiss me, don't you?

NARCISSUS

Oh God, am I that obvious?

[Enter Echo]

ECHO

The Trojans and Greeks are at it again. What has it been? Nine years? You'd think by now they'd put two and two together:

[imitates a soldier:]

"Hey, why are we fighting?" "For our country!" "Why is our country fighting?" "For the commander's girlfriend!"

They're out there killing each other for babes, while the best-looking nymphs in Greece are sitting here twiddling our thumbs. No, wait, thumb isn’t the word I’m looking for.

DAPHNE

Hey, Echo, have you met the new nymph?

NARCISSUS

Hello.

ECHO

Hello.

[Music plays. Love at first sight. Narcissus and Echo stare dumbfounded]

DAPHNE

So what do you think? I'd say some definite improvements on the old model.

[no response]

Wow, I've never seen Echo struck dumb before. So, this is what it's like to get in a few words edgewise.

So, how 'bout them Bulls? Some season they're having, huh? And this weather? It's not the heat it's the humidity. That's what they say.

NARCISSUS

[breathless:]

Do you hear music?

ECHO

[breathless:]

Yes.

DAPHNE

Hey, I hear music, too.

[to piano player:]

Stop that. I saw him first.

[Music stops.]

[Daphne takes Narcissus' arm.]

DAPHNE

So, Narcissus, tell us about yourself.

ECHO

Yes, tell us.

NARCISSUS

Well, I was born in Thespia, my parents were the River-god Cephisus and the blue nymph Leiriope. I'm a Capricorn. My favorite colors are mauve and aquamarine. Turnons: oysters, champagne and long walks by the ocean. Turnoffs: hairpieces, traffic and big smelly dogs. I don't really have any career plans. I guess I just want to be an ordinary nymph just like everybody else.

ECHO

Just like everybody else?

DAPHNE

I'd like to see that.

NARCISSUS

[a bit defensive:]

I know, I'm different. But I don't think that should prevent me from having a normal life. I can frolic as well as any nymph.

[to a man in the audience:]

Hey, you big handsome piece of beef steak! Why don't you come up here and make my day!

[The Cook enters with a can of olives under one arm. Daphne spots him.]

DAPHNE

Oh my God.

ECHO

Oh my God.

DAPHNE and ECHO

Black Olives!

[Echo and Daphne snatch the olives from the Cook and run off to the backroom.]

NARCISSUS

What was that?

COOK

The story of my life.

[He exits.]

[Daphne returns.]

DAPHNE

Care to join us for a snack?

NARCISSUS

No thanks, I'm trying to watch my weight.

DAPHNE

No, I mean: Care to join us for a snack?

[pause]

NARCISSUS

No thanks, I'm trying to watch my weight.

DAPHNE

No, I mean: Care to join us for SEX?

NARCISSUS

Oh. Ooh, oh! Oo, ah! I know I'm a nymph and I'm supposed to be insatiable, but, woof, canned vegetables? Are you serious?

DAPHNE

Honey, those were not just any canned vegetables.

[Squeals offstage.]

That was Zeus himself, incognito. When he wants to visit, he turns into a can of olives and has himself delivered here so Hera won't catch him.

[Echo reenters.]

ECHO

Oh my God.

DAPHNE

Breathtaking, isn’t he?

[Daphne gleefully exits to the backroom.]

[Echo looks at Narcissus, music plays]

NARCISSUS

Do you hear music?

ECHO

I think they're playing our song

NARCISSUS

[laughs uncomfortably:]

That's funny. Ha ha. As if we could have a song. Ha ha.

ECHO

Don't you want to have a song? Come on, I won't bite.

[song: Our Song]

ECHO

It's just a song that whenever they play it on the jukebox,

I think of you.

It's just a song that when you hear it on the radio,

You think of me too.

It may be sad, it may be sappy,

but they're playin' our song and it makes me happy!

ECHO and NARCISSUS

Our song, when they're playin' our song,

ECHO

They're playin' our song.

It's just a song that when it's Muzak on the elevator,

I think of you.

NARCISSUS

It's just a song that they turned into a car commercial,

And I wanna buy two!

It may be a polka, it may be a tango,

but when they're playin' our song I gotta eat a mango!

ECHO and NARCISSUS

Our song, when they're playin' our song,

ECHO

They're playin' our song.

NARCISSUS

Do that ditty, light and witty

to the tune I can't forget.

ECHO

Sing the jingle makes me tingle

and reminds me of the night we met.

NARCISSUS

[getting silly:]

Croon that ballad with my salad.

While I watch Gorillas in the Mist.

ECHO

Play the dirge that recreates the urge

I feel inside,

I feel inside the first time we kissed.

[She kisses him]

NARCISSUS

I have never been kissed.

ECHO

I have never been kissed this week.

[obvious heat between them]

NARCISSUS

What do we do now?

ECHO

Dance.

[DANCE section]

It's just a song that when they say

"Do you have a request, ma'am?"

I think of you.

NARCISSUS

It's just a song that when I sing it while I'm in the shower

I spill the shampoo.

ECHO and NARCISSUS

It may be Mozart, it may be disco,

but they're playin' our song, you better hide the Crisco

Our song, when they're playin' our song,

ECHO

They're playin' our song.

ECHO and NARCISSUS

We may go far, or we may fizzle,

but while they're playin' our song, we sizzle!

Our song, when they're playin' our song,

ECHO

They're playin' our song.

NARCISSUS

I want to sing along, they're playin' our song,

ECHO

they're playin' our song.

NARCISSUS

Nothing can go wrong, they're playin' our song,

ECHO

they're playin' our song.

NARCISSUS

I want a silk sarong!

ECHO

I want to play ping pong!

NARCISSUS

I want a brass gong...

ECHO

A black leather thong...

NARCISSUS

A Hostess ding dong...

ECHO and NARCISSUS

They're playin' our song.

ECHO

(Think we've had enough?)

ECHO and NARCISSUS

...they're playin' our song, they're playin' our song.

They're playin' our song!!

NARCISSUS

That was nice, thank you. I've never had a song with anyone before.

ECHO

You're very handsome.

NARCISSUS

Oh don't call me that. It's so embarrassing.

[self-conscious:]

Is my moustache showing?

ECHO

I like it.

[touches his cheek]

NARCISSUS

Can I ask you a personal question?

ECHO

What?

NARCISSUS

You’re a Lesbian, right?

[quickly:]

It's okay if you are, I'm not judging.

ECHO

You say the silliest things, Narcissus.

I...

NARCISSUS

I'm...

ECHO

What?

NARCISSUS

No, you.

ECHO

It's okay.

NARCISSUS

No, what?

ECHO

Wait.

You know, you could go through their whole life waiting for that special someguy to come along and sweep you off your feet. And he never would...

NARCISSUS

Yeah, Men. You can't live with 'em, you can't live with satyrs.

ECHO

So you resign yourself to a lifetime of one night stands, or a whole bunch of cats, or ya know, whatever...

NARCISSUS

[nervous laugh]

Yeah, ya know, whatever.

ECHO

But once in awhile the right man does come along. And it makes all the heartbreak and loneliness somehow seem worthwhile. Because the moment is so perfect.

NARCISSUS

[disappointed:]

Oh. I see what you mean. I guess I just need to be patient and maybe someday...

ECHO

I think I'm falling in love with you.

NARCISSUS

You are??

ECHO

I've never felt this strongly about any man or anyone: gods, satyrs, centaurs, elves, large seabirds or anyone before in my life. And I've never had spontaneous underscoring.

NARCISSUS

I... well... me too, I think. Wow. This is kind of a big step.

[He takes her hand.]

You’re really a Lesbian, this isn’t a dream?

ECHO

Narcissus, don’t speak.

NARCISSUS

No, right, I won’t, good idea. What should I-- oh, I’m speaking again, aren’t I?

[Narcissus stops speaking. Echo kisses him.]

[Suddenly, enter Daphne.]

DAPHNE

Oh my God. Have you ever... ever... Oh my God, have you ever...

ECHO

Ever what? Eveready? Everlasting? Ever ever ever in your long legged life?

DAPHNE

Honey, let me catch my breath.

NARCISSUS

[aside:]

What am I doing? This is crazy. I can't be in love with another woman. What will people say? I know what they'll say. They'll say: perverts. We could never have a normal life together. And how do I tell my parents? This would kill my father. I can't do it. I can't do it to her, I can't do it to myself. From now on, that's just not who I am.

[With sudden grim resolve, Narcissus marches into the backroom.]

Zeus!

DAPHNE

[getting dressed:]

Have you ever been making love... With a mountain goat... And suddenly you both transform into giant eagles... And soar upward together... Until 10,000 feet above the earth... You burst into flames. Your ashes drift down through a cloud and you fall back to earth as a gentle rain, collapsing together in a puddle of spent passion?

ECHO

[panting:]

Wow.

DAPHNE

Me neither, but that was damn close.

ECHO

Really? It was like soaring and bursting and puddling?

DAPHNE

Especially the puddling.

ECHO

Wow.

[They both light up cigarettes.]

DAPHNE

I'm gonna ask him to divorce his wife and marry me.

ECHO

I'm in love, Daphne.

DAPHNE

I saw him first!

ECHO

Not with Zeus. With Narcissus.

DAPHNE

I saw him first too!

ECHO

You did not!

DAPHNE

Yes I did!

ECHO

You've got Zeus. Why do you want my nymph-boy?

DAPHNE

What can I say, I'm versatile.

[Enter Hera.]

HERA

Hello, girls.

ECHO

Hera!!

HERA

Echo!!

[Daphne darts into the backroom.]

Where's she going?

ECHO

Who?

HERA

Her!

ECHO

Never seen her before in my life.

[Hera moves to pursue, Echo cuts in front of her.]

Wait a minute-- About this tall, long hair, dressed like me? Kinda nymphy? Yeah, it's all coming back to me now. Her name is Daph-something. Daff, Daff, Daff, Daffy Duck, Daffodil-- Wait, she used to be a character on Scooby Doo. Shaggy, Scooby, Scrappy, Velma, Daphne, Fred. That's it Fred! No, wait, Daphne! It’s Daphne! Gosh, I'm glad we solved that. I woulda been up all night.

HERA

Don't waste my time, Echo.

ECHO

Sorry. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT GORGON!!

[As Hera turns to see the gorgon, Daphne enters, pushing the Cook who is carrying the can of black olives. Hera, however, turns in time to catch them.]

HERA

Hold it right there, buddy!

[Daphne and the Cook halt, caught.]

Very clever. Very, very clever. THE FIRST TIME!

[Hera snatches the can of olives away from them.]

[to the can:] So, Zeus. It’s been ages. I hardly recognize you. We haven’t seen this much of each other since the last time I caught you with another woman. I'd almost forgotten this cute little bald spot on top. Or this little dimple.

[Hera dents the can, viciously.]

Or this one! Or this one! Or this one!

[Hera dents the can some more. Echo winces.]

You didn’t think I’d notice the lipstick-stained labels in your laundry? Or the number of nymphs coming down with feminine tetanus?

ECHO

Hera...

HERA

Shut up, Echo. [to the can:] Allright, enough with the "helpless can" act. What do you have to say for yourself?

[No response from the can.]

Oh, that’s right, your lips are hermetically-sealed. Well, maybe this'll make you talk.

[She takes out a can opener.]

This won’t hurt a bit.

[Hera begins opening the can... cruelly. As Echo squirms in horror.]

...Or maybe it’ll hurt like hell, I’ve never done a Caeserian lobotomy. Waitaminute, I'm having a prophetic vision. I see the supreme being of the universe being chopped up and used as a pizza topping.

[Hera rips open the top of the can, as Echo cringes. Hera looks inside.]

What the--?! This is just a can of olives!

ECHO

Olives. That's impossible!

[catches herself:]

uh, I mean...

[pretends to read the label:]

Whole pitted black olives. Oh, olives! I thought it said, "ostrich". Whole pitted black ostrich. Olives! No, that makes complete sense.

HERA

The cook! He turned himself into the cook!

ECHO

The nerve of that man!

HERA

Don't talk to me, Echo.

ECHO

No ma'am.

HERA

Ever.

ECHO

Never again, nossir. Ma'am.

HERA

Shut up!

ECHO

What did I say?

HERA

You keep talking!

ECHO

I'm not talking!

HERA

You are talking!

ECHO

Because you keep talking to me.

HERA

Echo...

[Echo falls silent, but she emphatically mimes her intent to mind her own business as she backs out of the room.]

Daphne!

[no response]

If I catch you with my husband again, Nymph. You will have nymphed your last. This can opener has tasted blood and it's hungry for more.

Grr...

[Hera exits.]

[Daphne reappears, trembling with fear.]

DAPHNE

Oh my God.

[enter Narcissus, disheveled, putting on his clothes.]

NARCISSUS

He didn't even say goodbye. I hate men.

DAPHNE

Oh my God, Narcissus. I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm dead!

[Narcissus screams, terrified.]

NARCISSUS

Waitaminute. You’ve got a pulse! You’re not dead.

DAPHNE

Hera's gonna kill me!

NARCISSUS

Now calm down, Daphne. She's not gonna kill you.

DAPHNE

She said she was gonna kill me.

NARCISSUS

I'm sure she didn't mean it.

DAPHNE

She sounded very sincere.

NARCISSUS

It was probably a figure of speech. What did she say exactly?

DAPHNE

She said “I’m gonna take this can opener and rip out your guts with it and throw them on the ground and stomp on ‘em.”

NARCISSUS

Really?

DAPHNE

Well, not in so many words.

NARCISSUS

Wow.

DAPHNE

This is all Zeus' fault.

NARCISSUS

I hate men.

DAPHNE

Wait, that's it! All I have to do is stay away from Zeus. Hera won't kill me if I stay away from her husband. You hear that, Zeus? It's over! And you can take your ring back! Damn it, he never gave me a ring. And keep your lousy ring!

There I'm safe now. I don't need him. There's plenty of other men in the world. Like this one.

[flirts with a man in the audience]

NARCISSUS

What if he disguises himself as some other man. He's been known to do that.

DAPHNE

[to the man:]

I'm on to you, buddy!

Boy, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

Alright, I'm just gonna do it. First thing tomorrow I'm joining a convent.

NARCISSUS

You're going to become a nun?

DAPHNE

No, I'm gonna be a vestal virgin. They have sexier costumes.

[song: No More Men]

DAPHNE

I'll spend all day

Alone in bed

With a good book

And a cup of cocoa

Keep the romance it only makes me loco

NARCISSUS

I'll get a dog

And teach it tricks

There must be other

Hobbies I could take up

And think of the bundle I can save on makeup

DAPHNE

Who needs all the trouble and the fuss?

Making meals and birthing babes,

But what do they do for us?

I tell you

I could get a burlap bag,

If I wanted to jump in the sack.

Please

give

No more men! Gimme no more men!

Just gimme a knife in the back.

NARCISSUS

Sensitive and gentle as an ox.

And always he'll be there for you,

As long as he thinks you're a fox.

I tell you

I’ll just sign my donor card,

When I want someone to cut out my heart.

Please

give

No more men! Gimme no more men!

And, buddy, I hope that smarts.

DAPHNE

Have you been to Elysium?

NARCISSUS

Paradise?

DAPHNE

Have you been there?

NARCISSUS

No, tell me what's it like?

DAPHNE

Picture bluer skies

NARCISSUS

Greener grass?

DAPHNE

in a landscape where the sun ever sets.

NARCISSUS

How nice

DAPHNE

And the people...

NARCISSUS

Are they glad all the time?

DAPHNE

Everyday.

NARCISSUS

Why is that?

DAPHNE

'Cause they ain't got a care.

NARCISSUS

Sounds like Paradise.

DAPHNE

Elysium.

NARCISSUS

And there's no threat of war?

DAPHNE

Not a chance.

NARCISSUS

Hunger? Poverty?

DAPHNE

Zero Unemployment.

NARCISSUS

Wow!

The Economy?

DAPHNE

Sound.

And you get...

NARCISSUS

Get what?

DAPHNE

Equal rights under the law

NARCISSUS

Equal rights? That's a lie.

DAPHNE

I swear.

Even better there are no broken homes,

troubled marriages and no jealous wives.

NARCISSUS

Sounds great, Can I ask you something?

DAPHNE

What?

NARCISSUS

Why'd you leave?

DAPHNE

Leave where?

NARCISSUS

From Paradise.

Why'd you leave?

DAPHNE

You're gonna hate me.

NARCISSUS

What?

DAPHNE

They don't have any men there.

NARCISSUS

Oh Daphne!

DAPHNE

Now I've learned my lesson

NARCISSUS

You and me both

DAPHNE and NARCISSUS

You'll save on psychotherapy

When you've taken a celibate oath.

[to men in audience:]

I tell you

You can go to K-Mart

If you want an attractive door mat.

Please

give

No more men! Gimme no more men!

And that's that.

[Enter Cupid.]

CUPID

So people say to me. Cupid. You handsome devil. At this point I know they want something from me. So Cupid. How do those magic arrows work?

I'm glad you asked.

First of all, if you had been paying attention the first time, you would know that it's not magic arrows, it's chemicals. Now what people don't know is that we make two basic formulas.

[Cupid displays a small glass of liquid]

This is Formula A. In fact, this is enough Formula A to turn the Vatican into a RuPaul home fantasy, so don't bump me.

The Latin name is Amor Liquor. Which means Love Liquor. One time Zeus drank a whole glass of this stuff. Possibly by accident. I'm not going to say because the lawsuit is still pending. But it does explain his insatiable penchant for nymphs. heh heh.

[Cupid displays a second glass of liquid]

And this is Formula B. The polite word for the effect it causes is "Indifference". So...

[Formula A:]

This is "I love you and I wanna kiss you all over."

[Formula B:]

And this is "Thank you. Please stop drooling on me."

[Formula A:]

This is "You are the moon and the stars to me."

[Formula B:]

And this is "You are a free meal to me, and I'll be taking a cab home."

Used in certain combinations, these two have the potential to create universal havoc. And it's great fun at parties! Sprinkle a man with this, sprinkle a woman with that. Sprinkle a dog with this, sprinkle a pantleg with that.

So let me tell you about the Trojan war: So I'm bored, and I'm sitting around with two big glasses, about like this, of Love and Indifference. And I'm trying to decide:

[A:] Trojans... [B:] and Greeks?

[A:] Greeks... [B:] and Trojans?

[A & B:] Trojans & Greeks? [A & B:] Greeks & Trojans?

...[A & B:] Greeks and other Greeks? [A & B:] Trojans and big horses?

[Enter the Cook, stealthily, wearing sunglasses.]

COOK

Cupid.

CUPID

[startled:] What the hell?! What are you trying to do? You scared the Hades outta me! Now get outta here, I'm busy.

COOK

It's me, Zeus.

CUPID

Zeus! You look like a cook.

COOK

I'm in disguise.

[pause]

CUPID

What if I don't believe you?

[Cook points his finger like a gun. Cupid puts his hands up.]

COOK

WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I PUT A LIGHTNINGBOLT UP YOUR NOSE?

CUPID

[aside:] Rule number two of mythology: When you're looking down the barrel of a loaded forefinger, the answer is always "Yes".

[to Cook:] Hey, Zeus, please. I gotta be careful.

COOK

I need your help, Cupid. Daphne won't sleep with me anymore.

CUPID

Maybe she's tuckered out.

COOK

No, it's something else. She won't see me, she avoids me. I don't know what's wrong. Is it me? Is it something I said? Is it this cook disguise?

CUPID

Those are all good.

COOK

Is there another man? Are there two other men? She's a nymph for God's sake! Are there four other men?? What could possibly replace me?

CUPID

Maybe you should talk to her.

COOK

Exactly. And while I’m doing that I’ll sneak up behind her with one of your magic love arrows. Hand ‘em over.

CUPID

How many times I gotta tell ya...

COOK

I know, I know, they're not arrows. Forgive me for waxing poetic. Formula A, I need some Formula A for Daphne!

CUPID

Okay, look, I hate to see you this way, so I'm gonna give you a promotional sample of the new non-aerosol spray.

[Cupid gives Zeus a small spray can. Zeus spritzes it in the air to test it. Cupid contorts to avoid the cloud of vapor.]

You better go before you get me in trouble with Hera.

COOK

Right. You know, I'm sorry I'm like this. It's bad right now. There’s trouble at home. And now this. I... You got anything to...

[Cook sees the glass of Formula A. Before Cupid can say a word, Cook downs the entire glass. Cupid is in shock. Then Cook takes the glass of Formula B. He is about to drink it as well, but changes his mind and puts it down.]

Well, thanks, Cupid. I don't know how to thank you, but thanks.

[embraces Cupid]

I love you, man.

CUPID

No thanks, I never touch the stuff.

COOK

[starts to exit, stops] Say, what was in that glass?

CUPID

Uh, Nectar. And... Tequila.

COOK

Has quite a kick.

[The Cook exits.]

CUPID

I gotta wonder what the world would be like if just once he took the Formula B.

[song: Crazy If You Like]

HERA

Hi.

You probably don't like me very much.

That's okay, I never score well in the early running.

This one's for my hubby...

Wherever you are tonight.

When will the flowers be for me?

I'm only asking, 'cause I notice you cannot take a hint.

When will that glint

In your eye be a glint

When its glancing my way.

When will the flowers be for me?

When will the kisses be for me?

What if I hang up some mistletoe to get you in the mood?

Why does the spring

In your step lose its zip

When you're dancing with me?

When will the kisses be for me?

I don't have to sit here in your pocket.

Or wrapped around your pinkie. Like a little piece of twine.

Don't have to tell you "I still love you."

But I do because it bugs you,

And notice how it keeps me on your mind

Call me crazy, if you like.

I'll call you mine.

They say, I've let you walk all over me so long

You don't know what the ground is for.

But I let them have their say,

'Cause if you try to walk away

You'd have to buy corrective shoes

Call me crazy if you like,

I won't deny it's true.

Lost my wits the moment

I madly fell in love with you.

Call me crazy if you like.

I'll call you mine.

When will you make some time for us?

I don't mind waiting, but I'd rather not be waiting in a line.

Why don't we slide

All the other girls aside

And pretend we're sixteen?

When will you make some time for us?

One more time

When will the flowers be for me?

I'm only asking, 'cause I notice you cannot take a hint.

When will that glint

In your eye be a glint

When its glancing my way.

When will the flowers be for me?

Oh, Zeus, when will the flowers be for me?

SCENE 4

[Enter Echo and Daphne.]

ECHO

You're really going to break it off with Zeus? The King of the gods?

DAPHNE

Look, the man won't get serious with me. I'm tired of being the other woman. There are so many other women. I want to be the woman. I want to be treated with respect for a change.

ECHO

But Daphne, aren't you the nymph who said, "Respect me tomorrow, but love me tonight"?

DAPHNE

People change. Now, I want a commitment.

ECHO

Admit it, Daphne, you're breaking up with Zeus because you're afraid of Hera.

DAPHNE

Wouldn't you? You saw what she did to that can of olives. And I'm next.

It just never pays to fool around with Hera's husband.

ECHO

That's true. Have you heard about Semele?

DAPHNE

What happened to Semele?

ECHO

Hera found out... Poof!

DAPHNE

Oh my God.

ECHO

And Callisto...?

DAPHNE

What about Callisto?

ECHO

Torn apart by her own hunting dogs.

DAPHNE

Oh my God.

ECHO

And Io...

DAPHNE

Turned into a cow?

ECHO

How did you know?

DAPHNE

Oh my God, I was right?!?

[Enter Hera with a can opener.]

HERA

Hello, Daphne.

[Daphne screams, and Hera pursues her around Echo.]

ECHO

Wait, Hera, Daphne has sworn off men forever. She's going to join a chaste order of Greek nuns, and never bother you again.

[Hera stops.]

HERA

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

[Hera chases Daphne.]

ECHO

Wait, wait! There's something you should know first.

[Hera stops.]

um, She's pregnant.

[Hera pursues Daphne with even greater fury.]

Wait, wait. Can I just say one thing?

[Hera stops.]

HERA

What?

ECHO

Get her!

DAPHNE

What?!

[Echo leaps on Daphne and starts strangling her.]

DAPHNE

Get offa me!

[Daphne throws Echo off.]

Jeez, and I thought Psyche was psycho.

ECHO

[to Hera:] Quick, while we have the element of surprise!

[Echo leaps on Daphne again, knocks her to the ground and continues strangling her, while Hera watches the spectacle skeptically.]

HERA

If this is meant to make me feel guilty. It's not working.

ECHO

Guilty? No that is absolutely not my intent. You have to understand what I’m going through here, Hera. First there was Zeus and Aphrodite, Zeus and Alcmene, Zeus and Aegina, Zeus and Antiope - and that's just the A's - Zeus and Leda, Zeus and Leto, Zeus and Metis, Zeus and Thetis, Zeus and Themis, Zeus and Nemesis...

HERA

Is there a point to this?

ECHO

I’m getting there. Maia, Dia, Io, Lamia, Semele, Mnemosyne, Eurynome, Persephone, Ganymede - I mean, when you have to compete with young boys with no typing skill - Zeus and Hybris, Zeus and Calyce, Zeus and Europa, Zeus and Electra, Zeus and the other Electra - how can you stand it - Zeus and his sister, Zeus and his mother, Zeus and the City of Thebes, Zeus and the River Styx, Zeus and Pluto...

HERA

Enough! What does any of this have to do with you?

ECHO

Oh, you’re right. Maybe you should kill her.

[But Daphne has made good her escape.]

HERA

No! Echo... You let her get away.

ECHO

She must have slipped out while we were talking.

HERA

We were talking? You were talking! And talking, and talking. All you do is talk, and you think you can thwart me every time. I have had it with your snappy patter and your witty repartee and your long-winded...

ECHO

Circumlocutions?

HERA

What’s that?

ECHO

From the Latin, locutio meaning speech, and circum meaning to go around, or in needlessly roundabout--

HERA

Never mind!

[Hera rolls up her sleeves, Echo thinks she wants to box, dances around the stage.]

HERA[1]

[Hera chants in Greek:]

baskanion aboeetheetos abakeo...

ECHO

What?

HERA

I'm putting a curse on you.

baskanion aboeetheetos abakeo

chrysoprymnos

Okay, you're cursed, Echo. Henceforth you will never speak until spoken to.

ECHO

Can I just say one thing about that?

HERA

And whenever you do speak, you will only be able to repeat what has been said to you.

ECHO

And whenever you do speak, you will only be able to-- Awk!

[Echo is stunned, she struggles to speak, but cannot make a sound.]

HERA

Curse got your tongue, Echo? Let me help you out.

[blandly:] "Oh, please, no"

ECHO

Oh, please, no!

HERA

"You can't do this to me"

ECHO

You can't do this to me!

HERA

"It isn't fair"

ECHO

It isn't fair!

HERA

"Pinch me"

ECHO

Pinch me!

[Hera pinches her.]

Ow!

[Enter Narcissus.]

NARCISSUS

What's going on here?!

HERA

Who are you?

ECHO

You?

NARCISSUS

Oh, Hera, Queen of the Gods. I didn't know it was you.

I'm sorry. My name is Narcissus.

ECHO

Narcissus!

NARCISSUS

Hmm?

[Echo cannot speak]

HERA

So you're the new nymph on the block?

NARCISSUS

Yes, your majesty.

HERA

My, aren't you a pretty thing.

NARCISSUS

Why thank you.

HERA

How would you like to come up to Olympus and look at my etchings?

NARCISSUS

[excited:] Etchings!

ECHO

Etchings!!

NARCISSUS

Oh, I forgot. Echo and I have... plans.

ECHO

Plans. [nods]

HERA

Oh Echo, doesn't mind. Does she?

ECHO

Does she!

NARCISSUS

Do you?

ECHO

Do you?

NARCISSUS

No, I don’t.

ECHO

I don’t. Awk!

HERA

Wonderful!

ECHO

[muttering to herself, somewhat insanely:] wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful...

HERA

You know, I just gotta say I love what you've done to your hair.

NARCISSUS

Well thank you.

HERA

And have you been working out?

NARCISSUS

A little bit. I've been aerobercising. A girl's gotta stay in shape.

HERA

[a little confused, but going with it:] Yes, a girl does.

NARCISSUS

But I don't want to get too bulky.

[Hera feels his biceps. As she reaches for his pecs:]

NARCISSUS

There is something I should tell you right up front before this goes any further:

I am gay.

[exit]

[Enter Cupid.]

CUPID

In my capacity as moderator of this evening's entertainments, I will be assisting the nymph Echo on her next song number, because her recent misfortune makes singing difficult for her.

And because it takes two to tango.

[song: Echo's Tango]

CUPID ECHO

I never fell in love.

I never took the chance.

I always let it slip away

Or trickle through my hands.

And now at last I fall in love.

At last I fall in love.

For once I take a chance on love.

I take a chance on love.

And once again it slips away.

Once again it slips away.

It slips out of my grasp.

Slips out of my grasp.

Alone.

Alone.

I've often been alone before.

I've often been alone before.

Alone,

Alone, but

But it never felt like this before.

It never felt like this before.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I never want to be alone anymore.

I never want to be alone anymore.

I need you.

I need you.

But you don't need me anymore.

But you don't need me.

I swallowed my pill.

I'll swallow my pride.

Please come back to me.

Without you,

Without you,

I'm like a shadow when the caster is gone.

I'm like a shadow when the caster is gone.

Without you,

Without you,

The dance is over, but the music goes on.

The dance is over, but the music goes on.

Without you love,

Without your love,

I don't know what to do about your love,

I don't know what to do about your love,

I don't doubt your love,

I don't doubt your love,

But no matter how devout your love,

But no matter how devout your love,

You left me,

You left me,

The moment you turned away,

The moment you turned away,

That moment when

That moment when

I could not find the words to say:

I could not find the words to say:

I need you now.

Please stay with me.

Don't leave me now.

Return to me.

I need you now.

Please stay with me.

Don't leave me now.

Return to me.

Alone.

I'd never been in love.

I've often been alone before.

I never took the chance.

Alone, but

I always watched it die.

It never felt like this before.

And crumble into dust.

CUPID and ECHO

Now at last I fall in love

Now I take a chance on love

CUPID ECHO

I need you.

And I am left with dust

But you never needed me.

But now the dust is mine.

I swallowed my pride

I'm down on my knees

I'm begging you please

I'm down on my knees

Please come back to me.

I need you now.

Please stay with me.

Don't leave me now.

Return to me.

SCENE 5

[Echo enters, wearing Sunglasses.]

[Enter Daphne, as if pursued, doesn't see Echo.]

ECHO

Daphne.

[Daphne screams, startled.]

DAPHNE

Oh, Echo, it's you. I thought it was Zeus. He's been following me all over...

ECHO

It's me, Zeus.

DAPHNE

Oh no.

ECHO

Daphne, wait. I love ya, honey. I just wanna make you the happiest woman in the world. Of course right now I wanna make this piano the happiest woman in the world. I wonder why that is.

DAPHNE

I'm leaving.

ECHO

Wait, let me explain.

DAPHNE

All right. Explain.

ECHO

Uh... right now?

DAPHNE

You don't know what you've done, do you?

ECHO

No, I do, I do, just give me a hint.

DAPHNE

You don't respect me. You use me. You treat me like a... like a... a... a...

ECHO

Like a nymph?

DAPHNE

Very funny, buster. And while you're laughing it up, I'm the one Hera turns into a fish or a tree or something. I can't take the stress anymore. I don't ever want to see you again.

ECHO

So if I was invisible?

DAPHNE

No! I don’t want to see you literally or figuratively ever again!

ECHO

How about biblically?

DAPHNE

No! No! No! Do you know what that means?

ECHO

Sure, it means yes.

DAPHNE

I don’t know why I talk to you. You’re just a... just a...

ECHO

Stud?

DAPHNE

No!

ECHO

God?

DAPHNE

No!

ECHO

Stud god?

DAPHNE

Just leave me alone!

ECHO

Okay, okay, I get the message. You don’t have to spell it out for me.

[He looks at Daphne, expectantly. She spells it out for him.]

DAPHNE

N. O.

ECHO

[sighs:]

Okay.

[Daphne turns to leave.]

ECHO

Daphne.

[Daphne stops.]

DAPHNE

WHAT!

[Echo spritzes her with the spray can.]

ECHO

I’m beggin’ ya.

[Pause.]

[Sudden passionate embrace.]

[Echo secretly spritzes more love vapor in the air about them.]

[Enter Hera.]

HERA

Hello.

[Echo and Daphne separate very quickly. They stand rigid with fear.]

HERA

Is something wrong, Echo?

ECHO

[in a strange voice, like a man impersonating a woman:] No.

HERA

Have you seen...

DAPHNE and ECHO

No! Nope! No, huh-uh, no...

HERA

Well, how do you know if you don't let me ask the question?

DAPHNE

Well, uh, I, uh.

ECHO

Aren't you looking for Zeus?

HERA

Well, yes, but he wouldn't be out here ravishing nymphs in broad day light, would he?

ECHO

[as Daphne fondles him:]

No, ha ha ha. That wouldn't be in character for him. Ha ha ha.

HERA

You know, you two have gotten awfully chummy, of late.

[Echo and Daphne step apart.]

I hope you're not conspiring against me. That olive incident was horribly embarrassing for all of us, but I think we can put it behind us now.

ECHO

Yes.

HERA

Aren't you supposed to be cursed?

ECHO

Cursed?

HERA

Yes, cursed.

ECHO

Cursed?

HERA

That's better. So, do you know where I could find Narcissus?

ECHO

Narcissus?

[Enter Narcissus.]

HERA

There he is. Watch closely, girls, and you'll see why they call me the Goddess of the Golden Apples. Hello, Narcissus.

NARCISSUS

Your Majesty, I've been thinking about... what we talked about... And I don't know if it's the best thing for me at this time.

HERA

Really?

[Hera spritzes Narcissus with a can identical to the one given to Zeus.]

NARCISSUS

[pause, as if battling an unseen attack on his will. He shakes it off and continues:]

Yes, I, I have to admit I have certain ... urges.

HERA

[spritzing him again:]

Urges, yes, go on.

NARCISSUS

[pause, shakes it off again.]

Certain urges, but I can't think about myself right now. I mean, what will my family say, they don't know anything about this and what will the other nymphs do? Will they accept me, or will they be afraid or confused? I have to think this through before I do anything.

HERA

[spritzing him again:]

So, what you're saying is...?

NARCISSUS

I want you and I don't care who knows it!

[Sudden passionate embrace.]

ECHO

Agk!

HERA

What is wrong with you? Oh, Echo, you had a little crush on Narcissus, didn't you? I'm sorry. In all fairness, I have to let him make the decision.

Narcissus, I cannot hold you against your will. If you love Echo, take her now, with my blessing. I will be happy to cherish the memory of these few happy moments we've spent together.

[Narcissus looks at Echo for a moment, then turns magnetically to Hera.]

Mind if I use your backroom?

[Exit Hera and Narcissus.]

ECHO

Agh! [exiting:] If I had a thunderbolt right now...

[song: Around and Around]

CUPID

Let me tell you a story 'bout a man named Agamemnon.

DAPHNE

Agamemnon!

CUPID

But we shall call him Al.

Al was married to a dame

DAPHNE

Clytaemnestra was her name

He said...

CUPID

"Honey I love you more than my car."

DAPHNE

Al was drafted to the war

Where he met a Trojan whore

CUPID

He was forlorn, she was for rent

He had her smuggled to his tent

DAPHNE

He said...

CUPID

"Honey, it gets lonely at the front"

Ten years later

Al went back to his wife

DAPHNE

She met him at the door

With a look in her eye

And a bun in the oven

CUPID

She said...

DAPHNE

"Honey, I sold the car"

CUPID

and Around and Around it goes

DAPHNE

and Around and Around it comes

CUPID and DAPHNE

She had a hatchet in her hand.

DAPHNE

Let me tell you about a woman named Clytaemnestra

CUPID

Clytaemnestra!

DAPHNE

But we shall call her Claire.

Killed her husband with an ax

CUPID

Threw his body in the street

She said...

DAPHNE

"I never liked him anyway."

CUPID

Claire had a boy

He was his father's son

DAPHNE

When she met him at the door

With a smile on her face

CUPID

He had that look in his eye

DAPHNE

He said...

CUPID

"Did I miss anything exciting?"

DAPHNE

and Around and Around it goes

CUPID

and Around and Around it comes

CUPID and DAPHNE

He had a hatchet in his hand.

CUPID

Let me tell you the story of a boy they call Orestes

DAPHNE

Boy Orestes!

CUPID

But we shall call him Chuck.

DAPHNE

Killed his mother for revenge

CUPID

With his father's bloody ax

DAPHNE

He said...

CUPID

"It seemed like the right thing to do."

DAPHNE

Chuck was haunted by the Furies

For the rest of his life

CUPID

They would meet him at the door

With a look in their eye

And a face like a bat

DAPHNE

Chuck said...

CUPID

"What did I do to deserve this?"

CUPID and DAPHNE

and Around and Around it goes

and Around and Around it comes.

They had hatchets in their hands.

CUPID

And now, with my help, my able assistant, Daphne will channel the spirit of Agamemnon, Lord General of the Greek expedition at Troy

erkhomai agamemnon[2]

metadino emas sophia

toy idikos tragodia

erkhomai agamemnon

metadino emas sophia

toy idikos tragodia

DAPHNE

idikos tragodia!

oydamos amartia hades![3]

oydamos egkleema athena!

aima timoro aima!

phonos timoro phonos!

dios pantote prosektikos!

aima! aima! aima!

CUPID

That's wonderful for those of us who speak Greek, but do you have any advice for the boys and girls at home?

DAPHNE

and Around and Around it goes

and Around and Around it comes

CUPID

Hello. My name is Cupid. Demigod of Love.

They say love is a many splendored thing. I can only think of two...

[Enter Echo, wearing sunglasses. She taps Cupid on the shoulder, startling him.]

ECHO

Cupid.

CUPID

What is it with people touching me today?

ECHO

What am I gonna do?!?

CUPID

Do I look like an oracle?

ECHO

Narcissus and Hera! They’re... they’re... they’re...

CUPID

Indescribable?

ECHO

THEY’RE LOVERS!!

CUPID

And...?

ECHO

What about me?!

CUPID

Echo, I know you’re upset. And, frankly, incoherent. But you gotta remember: Love is a two way street. If you're driving up one side and there’s construction in the other lane, or a beer truck...

ECHO

[taking off his sunglasses and pointing at his face as if it made recognition easier:]

I'm not Echo. I'm Zeus!

CUPID

Wow. Zeus. You got this disguise thing down.

ECHO

That nymph-boy is schtuping my wife! What am I gonna do?!?

CUPID

Maybe you should talk to her.

ECHO

Talk to her?? What good's that gonna do?

CUPID

Well...

ECHO

I can't just talk to her! that would be like... like...

CUPID

Like addressing the problem?

ECHO

Don't you understand? She's been brainwashed! He’s got her under some kind of mind control!

CUPID

You’re thinking of a whole different mythology.

ECHO

I've got it. We'll have him neutered. You got a pair of scissors?

CUPID

Listen, Zeus, I got a better idea. Let me talk to Narcissus.

ECHO

Talk to him? What good is that gonna do?

CUPID

You'd be surprised. Just let me talk to him. If that doesn't work, I'll spray him with this.

ECHO

He’ll fall for you and forget about Hera. Brilliant!

CUPID

No, this is Formula B. If he's trying to steal your wife. I'll fill him so full of Indifference, he won't be capable of platonic love.

ECHO

Oh, bless you! bless you! I mean that, I'm a god.

Say, you got anymore of that Tequila stuff?

CUPID

Sorry.

ECHO

[exiting:]

Quite a kick....

CUPID

I know what you're thinking. "This is hardly fair. Narcissus seem like a nice guy. Confused. But nice. Why does everything have to end in tragedy?” Well, of course, it doesn’t. The proverbial happy ending is just around the corner. However, you have to remember three things.

One: [holding up a paycheck:] This is my paycheck. Two: [pointing at the paycheck:] This is Zeus' signature on my paycheck. And three: I like to cause trouble.

SCENE 6

[Enter Narcissus with a love letter.]

NARCISSUS

Uncle Cupid, do you think I'm too masculine? Y'know, I've learned that you just can't hide your sexuality. But I think I should still nurture my feminine side, don't you?

CUPID

While you still got one. What's that?

NARCISSUS

[mysteriously:]

It’s a love letter from a secret admirer.

CUPID

Uh oh. Do you recognize the handwriting?

NARCISSUS

Yup.

CUPID

Is it Hera?

NARCISSUS

Nope. It’s me.

[Narcissus signs the letter with a flourish.]

CUPID

Uh oh.

NARCISSUS

I’ve taken your advice and I’m out of the closet. Oh it feels so good just to say it out in the open: I’m in love with another woman.

CUPID

[snatches the letter away:]

Narcissus, I don’t think you should deliver this.

NARCISSUS

[snatches it back:]

I already delivered it. But I forgot to dot all the I’s with little hearts, so I snuck in and borrowed it back. Heart heart heart heart heart...smiley...heart heart heart heart heart...

CUPID

I’m not normally one to give advice, Narcissus, but you know there’s more important things in life than...

[Narcissus giddily dots his I’s.]

...than whatever your priorities happen to be at this particular moment.

NARCISSUS

Oh, I know.

CUPID

You do?

NARCISSUS

Oh, yes. Last night, I discovered the true meaning of love.

CUPID

Last night, you were out with Hera.

NARCISSUS

Yeah, isn’t that funny?

CUPID

Funny ha ha funny? Or funny somebody’s gonna break both my legs and I got a weird sense of humor funny?

NARCISSUS

You know how you think you know something is one thing and next thing you know something, ya know, makes you think, and you think I don’t know the first thing about, ya know, whatever, or... You know, this is probably not a good example.

CUPID

Uh huh.

NARCISSUS

Okay, like last night with Hera. It was so romantic. Dinner and dancing. Nectar and ambrosia. Nectar and more dancing. Okay, one more nectar. Okay, one more, but that’s it.

CUPID

And after she got you nectared up?

NARCISSUS

We went for a walk along the Styx and looked at the stars - some of whom she knows personally.

CUPID

And then...?

NARCISSUS

She held my hand, I closed my eyes, she gazed into my eyes. Whoops, my eyes were open, I guess. She held me close, I held my breath, I closed my eyes...

CUPID

And...?

NARCISSUS

Oh, it was wonderful! It was paradise!

CUPID

I see.

[Cupid gets out a bottle of Formula B and begins liberally spritzing Narcissus with it.]

NARCISSUS

And then we went to Paradise. Hated it. Never seen so much tacky architecture in my life.

CUPID

Aren’t you forgetting about Zeus?

NARCISSUS

Oh, in a heartbeat. He was not my type.

CUPID

No, I mean, maybe you should think about him before this goes any further.

NARCISSUS

But don’t you see, I can’t think about him. I can’t think about anybody else. Last night when I was with Hera, the whole time I just kept thinking about ...Echo.

CUPID

Echo?

NARCISSUS

Echo.

CUPID

Echo??

NARCISSUS

Echo.

CUPID

Whoops.

NARCISSUS

This is the happiest day of my life.

CUPID

[looks at his watch]

Give it a minute.

NARCISSUS

I'm in love! I'm in love! I'm in love! No, I'm not. What am I saying? I've got my career to think of.

[Echo enters like a person who’s lost a love letter. She has an envelope that matches Narcissus’ stationery. She searches frantically for her letter, until she sees it in Narcissus’ hand. Then she beams happily as she runs over to give him a big hug.]

NARCISSUS

Oof.

[He pushes her firmly but gently away. She hugs him again.]

NARCISSUS

I can’t breathe.

[He pushes her away again.]

ECHO

[breathlessly happy:]

I can’t breathe.

[She beams at him. He tries to ignore her. She beams at him some more.]

NARCISSUS

What?

ECHO

[coyly:] What?

NARCISSUS

What??

ECHO

[coyly:] What?

NARCISSUS

Why are you acting like this?

ECHO

Like this?

[She wraps herself around him.]

NARCISSUS

What’s gotten into you?

ECHO

You.

NARCISSUS

What is wrong with you?

ECHO

You.

[He finally manages to shake her off.]

NARCISSUS

There’s something very important I have to talk to you about.

ECHO

There’s something very important I have to talk to you about.

NARCISSUS

Okay, you go first.

ECHO

Go first?

NARCISSUS

Right.

ECHO

Riiiiight...

[Pause.]

NARCISSUS

Well?

[Pause.]

ECHO

Well...

[Pause.]

NARCISSUS

Go ahead.

[Echo decides to forfeit her turn.]

ECHO

Go ahead.

NARCISSUS

[irritably, under his breath:]

You are really driving me crazy.

ECHO

[squeals, ecstatic:]

You are really driving me crazy!!

[She embraces him again.]

NARCISSUS

[glaring:]

No, I meant that.

ECHO

[hurt:]

No, I meant that.

NARCISSUS

Whatever. Okay, here’s mine. I guess you’ve read this letter? Everything it says in here about you and me and love and how much you mean to me and so on.

ECHO

[cuddling blissfully:]

You n me n love n howmuchyoumean n...

[Narcissus tears the love letter in half.]

ECHO

Awk!

NARCISSUS

I take it back.

ECHO

Take it back!

NARCISSUS

No, I can’t, because I realize now that there are more important things in this life than you and me. For example: me. I have to think of my future.

ECHO

Think of my future.

NARCISSUS

You are so self-centered. Fine, your future too. I mean, look at us: I'm young, and talented. I could have a promising career as a teacher, or a politician, or even a spokesmodel. And I'm sure you could get clerical work.

ECHO

Clerical work!

NARCISSUS

Don’t you see? There's so much about myself I haven't even discovered, yet. I can't love you or anyone else, until I learn how to love me.

ECHO

Love me.

NARCISSUS

Echo, it's over.

[Enter Daphne.]

DAPHNE

Oh, Narcissus, I came as soon as I could!

NARCISSUS

Daphne? What are you doing here?

DAPHNE

Honey, I can hear a relationship hit the rocks from a mile away.

NARCISSUS

I don't know what relationship you're talking about. Echo and I are just friends.

DAPHNE

Poor baby, you've really got it bad. You're going to need a lot of comforting. Shall we go in the backroom?

NARCISSUS

No!

ECHO

No!

DAPHNE

Okay. Here's fine. How do you want me? What the hell, I'm flexible, how don't you want me?

ECHO

Don't you want me?

DAPHNE

Echo, please, I'm working.

[As they tug at his arms, enter Hera.]

HERA

Looks like fun, can I play too?

DAPHNE

Hera!

[Daphne exits.]

ECHO

Hera!

HERA

Hello, Narcissus.

NARCISSUS

Hello, your majesty.

HERA

Please. Call me Hera.

NARCISSUS

Hera.

HERA

Better yet, call me Cuddles.

NARCISSUS

Your majesty, please...

[Daphne comes in wearing sunglasses and with a big pair of scissors.]

DAPHNE

Narcissus! I thought I’d find you here!

[Hera glares at Daphne perturbedly. So does Echo.]

...Since this is right where I left you. ...Probably mere moments ago.

HERA

Take a number nymph. So, Narcissus, I have a fabulous evening planned for us. Champagne, caviar. You and me in a moonlit canoe.

NARCISSUS

I have other plans.

ECHO

[to Hera:] Other plans. [to Narcissus:] Other plans?

NARCISSUS

I’m washing my hair.

HERA

Don't be silly, you’re going canoeing with me.

NARCISSUS

Thank you, but no.

HERA

That's not a suggestion, it's an order.

NARCISSUS

In that case, thank you, but no, Sir.

ECHO

No, sir.

HERA

Let me put it another way.

[Hera takes out a spraycan of Formula A.]

DAPHNE

Oh!

[Daphne quickly exits.]

NARCISSUS

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. It's just that I've had this sort of self-realization, and... I'm not a Lesbian.

HERA

Narcissus, you're not a woman of any kind.

NARCISSUS

[upset and embarrassed, covering his breasts:]

Oh! That's very funny.

[Hera spritzes Narcissus with Formula A.]

HERA

I gotta million of 'em. C'mon, let's go.

[She turns to leave, he turns to follow. Echo jumps between them trying to hold Narcissus off. When that doesn’t work, she turns and grabs Hera’s Formula A and tries to wrest it away.]

HERA

What the... stop it... get off... let go...

ECHO

What the... stop it... get off... let go...

[While Echo struggles with Hera, Narcissus tries to climb over her to get to Hera.]

[Hera wrenches the Formula A away from Echo. Just then, the Cook rushes in wearing sunglasses, and with a spraycan of Formula B. He stops.]

COOK

Whoops!

[The Cook rushes back out. Daphne rushes in wearing sunglasses, and with a spraycan of Formula B. Hera dusts herself off after her battle with Echo.]

HERA

[to Narcissus:] Now, where were we?

[Narcissus, lips apucker, strains to reach Hera, as Echo strains to restrain him.]

HERA

Ah, yes.

[Hera puts on some chapstick. While she’s doing that, Daphne sprays Narcissus with Formula B.]

[Hera puckers up for Narcissus. They move toward each other as if to kiss, then...]

NARCISSUS

Oh God! What is that thing on your mouth?!

[Narcissus fingers her mouth.]

Oh, Jeez, it’s your lip.

HERA

What the--??

NARCISSUS

I didn’t mean that the way it sounds. You have very attractive... Ew! I’m gonna have nightmares about this.

HERA

What is wrong with you?! You’re supposed to be madly in love with me.

NARCISSUS

If you say so. I’m gonna go wax my legs.

HERA

Come back here!

NARCISSUS

Listen, I’m flattered. Really. But I'm just not interested in women anymore. Watch.

[Narcissus scopes her out.]

Ho hum. See? No reaction.

HERA

So, you're trying to tell me that all of a sudden you're gay?

NARCISSUS

NO! You haven't listened to a word I've said.

HERA

I'm trying sweetie but you're not making any sense.

[Hera spritzes Narcissus with Formula A. Daphne secretly spritzes him with Formula B. This time Hera hears it. She looks at Daphne suspiciously.]

ECHO

...PSSSHT!

[Hera glares at Echo and sprays Narcissus with Formula A again, Daphne sprays him with Formula B again, and Echo says...]

ECHO

PSSSHT!

HERA

Stop that!

[Hera gives Narcissus a prolonged blast of Formula A, while Daphne secretly does the same.]

ECHO

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHT!

HERA

Narcissus...

[Hera notices Daphne and Echo listening intently. She takes him aside.]

I know sometimes I can be a little domineering. That's just my way. I guess I've been Queen of the Gods for too long. I guess I’ve been married to a no-good, conniving, low-life weasel for too long.

DAPHNE

Hey! ...uh, never mind.

HERA

But underneath all the armor. I want you to know: I really like you. And that hasn't happened to me in a long time.

NARCISSUS

How can I make this clear to you? Oh, I know! "Hera, I'm not good enough for you. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I need some time to think. This isn't a rejection of you personally. I'm going through some changes right now. Maybe we should see other people. I want what's best for both of us. It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for a commitment. You don't understand me. I'm saving myself for marriage. We can still be friends. I'll call you sometime."

HERA

[flabbergasted:]

How dare you spurn me like an ordinary woman? I am a goddess.

NARCISSUS

Oo! A harpy with a corner office!

HERA

That's it! Now you've done it.

NARCISSUS

Finally! I thought I was gonna have to have you surgically removed.

HERA

baskanion aboeetheetos olisthanos

chrysoprymnos

I curse you, Narcissus. One day you will know what it's like to love and receive nothing in return.

DAPHNE

Heh heh heh.

HERA

What is so funny?

DAPHNE

Was I laughing out loud? Jeezus, sorry, I meant to do that in my head.

HERA

You know, Daphne, I foresee something in your immediate future that might be of interest to your next of kin.

DAPHNE

Hey, now...

[Hera notices Daphne’s spraycan.]

HERA

What is that?!

DAPHNE

It’s uh, it’s uh... I’m not feeling fresh.

HERA

Gimme that.

[Hera snatches the Formula B away from Daphne.]

HERA

It’s Formula B!

[Daphne snatches it back.]

DAPHNE

No, it’s not.

[Hera snatches off Daphne’s sunglasses, looks in her eyes.]

HERA

Zeus!

DAPHNE

I can explain. [to Echo:] Somebody cause a diversion.

HERA

Divert this!

[Hera snatches the Formula B away from Daphne.]

NARCISSUS

Hey, lemme see that!

[Narcissus snatches the Formula B away from Hera. Hera snatches the Formula B back .]

NARCISSUS

Then lemme see yours.

[Narcissus snatches the Formula A from Hera. Hera snatches the Formula A back.]

[While Hera is distracted, Daphne snatches the Formula B from her, but Narcissus snatches the Formula B from Daphne and Hera snatches the Formula B from Narcissus.]

[Echo snatches the Formula A away from Hera, and Narcissus snatches the Formula A away from Echo.]

[Then Daphne snatches the Formula B away from Hera and threatens everyone with it.]

DAPHNE

All right, nobody move or I let you have it with... whatever this is. [knocks on the backwall:] Daphne, honey, start the chariot!

NARCISSUS

I thought you were Daphne.

HERA

He just looks like Daphne.

NARCISSUS

The resemblance is uncanny.

DAPHNE

Heh heh. Feels lifelike, too. [feels his breast] Say! [feels his breast some more] Mmn. Oo.

[Hera can take it no more and with a bellow of rage, lunges at Daphne, chases him around the stage and off.]

[Sound of a struggle offstage.]

[Hera reenters, strangling Daphne.]

DAPHNE

Gak! I’m not God! I’m not God!

[The can of olives enters, wearing sunglasses and tries to sneak across the stage unnoticed. Hera notices. The can tries to make a run for it, and she pursues it offstage, and into the distance....]

[Pause. Daphne, Echo and Narcissus exchange glances.]

NARCISSUS

Sex! Sex! Sex! Is that all you people think about!?!

[Narcissus starts to leave. Echo runs over to stop him. She babbles mutely, but he just stares at her. She gestures: “Stay right here”, then runs over to Daphne and babbles frantically to her. Daphne nods enthusiastically.]

DAPHNE

...Uh huh. ...Uh huh.

NARCISSUS

What is she saying?

DAPHNE

I dunno, but this is so exciting.

[Echo runs over to the piano player and repeats her frantic pantomime. Piano player begins vamping.]

[song: Dear Narcissus]

[Echo runs back over to Daphne with the love letter. She tears a strip off the top of the page and hands it to Daphne.]

DAPHNE

“Dear Echo”

[Echo shakes her head “No”. She tears the strip in half, and gives it back to Daphne.]

DAPHNE

“Dear”

ECHO

[to Narcissus:] Dear...

[Echo tears a strip from the bottom of the letter and gives it to Daphne.]

DAPHNE

“Narcissus”

ECHO

[to Narcissus:] Narcissus...

[The song continues with Echo handing parts of the letter to Daphne to read so she can repeat it.]

DAPHNE

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to -

for quite some time - to say to you, my...”

ECHO

[to Narcissus:] There’s something I’ve been meaning to -

for quite some time - to say to you, my...

DAPHNE

“Dear”

ECHO

Dear...

DAPHNE

“Narcissus”

ECHO

Narcissus.

[Echo hands Daphne another passage to read.]

DAPHNE

This is stupid. Why are you making me do this?

ECHO

This is stupid. Why are you

Making me do this? Awk!

[Echo points at the letter. Daphne obeys.]

DAPHNE

“Dear”

ECHO

Dear...

DAPHNE

“Narcissus”

ECHO

Narcissus.

NARCISSUS

Excuse the interruption. Is this gonna take you long?

I’ve got better things to do than watch you crucify this song.

DAPHNE

[to Echo:] Dear?

ECHO

[nods:] Dear.

DAPHNE

“Dear”

ECHO

Dear...

DAPHNE

“Narcissus”

ECHO

Narcissus.

DAPHNE

“I wish these words could half express

My heartfelt utter happiness

Each time I see, or plan to see,

Or see you in a fantasy...”

ECHO

[to Narcissus:] I wish these words could half express

My heartfelt utter happiness

Each time I see, or plan to see,

Or see you in a fantasy...

DAPHNE

“Dear”

ECHO

Dear...

DAPHNE

“Narcissus”

ECHO

Narcissus.

DAPHNE

“How long I’ve longed for your embrace

Those Sirens’ charms with Helen’s face

And Aphrodite’s curvature -

I hope his won’t seem premature”

ECHO

[to Narcissus:] How long I’ve longed for your embrace

Those Sirens’ charms with Helen’s face

And Aphrodite’s curvature -

I hope his won’t seem premature

DAPHNE

[to Echo:] Maybe not curvature. Don’t you think? How ‘bout musculature?

NARCISSUS

What’s wrong with my curvature!?

DAPHNE

Uh, well...

NARCISSUS

I’m a late bloomer!

DAPHNE

“Dear”

ECHO

Dear, dear, dear...

DAPHNE

“Narcissus”

ECHO

Narcissus.

DAPHNE

“I would swear by all the gods

Theogonized in Hesiod,

By mother’s grave, and China’s tea.

By Alexis. ... On Dynasty.”

ECHO

[to Narcissus:] I would swear by all the gods

Theogonized in Hesiod,

By mother’s grave, and China’s tea.

By Alexis. ... On Dynasty.

DAPHNE

Hey, I don’t write this crap.

NARCISSUS

[offended:]

I love Alexis! I love Dynasty!

ECHO

I love... I love...

DAPHNE

Sorry.

ECHO

Sorry.

[Narcissus takes the letter away from Daphne.]

NARCISSUS

I guess this letter makes me seem a sentimental jerk.

And maybe so, but you should know it took a lot of work.

I was foolish when I wrote this, but I’m foolish now to stand

For your plagiarized and parodized backhanded reprimand.

[Narcissus tries to storm out, but Echo gets in his way. She tries to speak, but can’t. Narcissus is obviously irritated. Daphne comes to Echo’s assistance.]

DAPHNE

I think what she would like to say -- Correct me if I’m wrong.

Some things are better left unsaid...

[Echo shakes her head emphatically “No, that’s wrong!”]

DAPHNE

Oops. [quickly:] But not the things in this song. Oh dear.

ECHO

Oh Dear...

DAPHNE

Narcissus

ECHO

Narcissus.

[While Echo tries to communicate with Narcissus through gesture. Daphne takes her best guess at what she thinks Echo is trying to say.]

DAPHNE

Believe me when I say to you

That you are me and I am you.

To me you are the moon and stars,

And other stuff that lovers are.

I can’t seem to find the words

To speak my heart and make it heard

But here’s my heart. And here’s my hand.

The rest, I hope you understand.

ECHO and DAPHNE

Deaaar...

Narcissus

ECHO

dearNarcissus.

ECHO and DAPHNE

Believe me when I say to you

That you are me and I am you.

To me you are the moon and stars,

And other stuff that lovers are.

I can’t seem to find the words

To speak my heart and make it heard

But here’s my heart. And here’s my hand.

The rest, I hope you understand.

DAPHNE

Dear

ECHO

Dear

DAPHNE

Dear

ECHO

Dear

ECHO and DAPHNE

Dear...

Narcissus! DearNarcissus!

[Big finish. Echo turns to hear Narcissus’ response, but Narcissus has already gone.]

DAPHNE

Narcissus?

ECHO

...Narcissus? ...Narcissus?

CUPID

Hello, my name is Cupid. Demigod of Love.

I was gonna tell you the one about Jason, and the Argonauts, and a long boat ride, and the invention of the first prophylactics, which were wood, but I have been reprimanded for not sticking to the script. So...

[reading stiffly:] "And so it was that Echo, deprived of her love and of the gift of speech, sat alone among the rocks by the river bed, mourning her fate. She tried to talk to those who passed by. But they only laughed at her. Her form faded with grief, till at last all her flesh shrank away. Her bones were changed into rocks, and there was nothing left of her but her voice."

"And Narcissus, unable to love, unable to find fulfilling temp work, wandered the world until he came upon a spring, clear as silver, and never yet disturbed by cattle, birds, wild beasts, or even by branches dropping off the trees that shaded it; and as he cast himself down, exhausted, on the grassy verge to slake his thirst..."

[Enter Daphne and the Cook.]

Oh Jeezus, I'm early!

SCENE 7

[The Pond]

DAPHNE

You'll love this spot. Look how clear the water is. Like crystal.

COOK

Mmn.

DAPHNE

And watch this. [shouts:] Hello!

ECHO

Hello!

DAPHNE

Daphne!

ECHO

Daphne!

DAPHNE

Go ahead, try it.

COOK

Echo!

ECHO

Echo!

DAPHNE

Why did you say that?

COOK

I don't know.

DAPHNE

Well it's funny because Echo used to come up here all the time after Narcissus left. The last time I saw her, she was sitting up there on that rock like she was waiting for something. And then she just disappeared...

We haven't seen Narcissus since then either. I think he's been trying to get work as a model, but no one will hire him. Too stuck on himself...

Echo!

ECHO

Echo.

COOK

Echo!

ECHO

Echo.

DAPHNE

Y'know, I like you. When I was with Zeus, there was always so much pressure to be this ideal woman. But now everything is so much simpler.

COOK

Thank you. Can I go back to the kitchen now?

[Enter Narcissus.]

DAPHNE

Oh look it's him. The guy I was telling you about. Come on, let's get out of here before he sees us.

[Exit Daphne.]

[The Cook puts on a pair of sunglasses, follows her out.]

NARCISSUS

[looks around:]

This looks good.

ECHO

This looks good.

NARCISSUS

I wish I had a breathmint.

[Narcissus searches in his purse, finds the spray can of Formula A.]

This might work.

[Narcissus looks around to make sure no one sees him, then he sprays it in his mouth.]

Hmm. Got kind of a kick. Tasty, though.

[Narcissus sprays some more into his mouth. Echo positions herself to be the first woman he sees.]

Gosh now I'm hot... and thirsty, too. I hope no one sees me drink out of this pond.

[Narcissus starts to take a drink from the pond.]

Yah! Oh, it's a water sprite.

You scared the heck outta me!

Well, hel-lo! You're kinda cute.

CUPID

"...and as he cast himself down, exhausted, on the grassy verge to slake his thirst, he fell in love with his reflection."

NARCISSUS

Say, handsome, where have you been all my life? What? I'm sorry, I was talking while you were talking, what?

Listen, you wanna go somewhere and get a drink? What am I thinking? You're standing in a pool of water and I offer you a drink! You must think I’m such an airhead. [giggles]

Mmm-hnh, you are a sweet thing, though. Honey, why don't you come on up here and give me a big wet one. Playing hard to get, huh? [grabs it] Hey, where'd you go? Oh, jeez. I finally find someone who interests me, and I scare him away.

Oh, there you are. Oh, you wanna dance. [dances with the shimmering reflection, gradually slowing down.] That was nice.

I... I know this may seem premature, but... I really think I love you. I never thought I could love a man... I never thought I could love anyone again... but you... I don't know, I feel like I know you. [nodding:] You know what I mean? Do you get that feeling? Me, too.

Do you want to kiss me? [tries to kiss it] Yow, this water is cold!

Where'd you go?

What, more dancing? [dances] You're good.

[after the dance:] You never get tired, do you? So, tell me about yourself.

[pause]

Or not. That's okay.

Well, okay, I'll start... My name is Narcissus. My parents were the River-God Cephisus...

CUPID

So Hera had her revenge, both on Echo and on Narcissus, who never left the stream where his true love swam, always avoiding his touch. Narcissus sat admiring the handsome youth in the water until he became rooted to the spot and transformed into a flower. Which was called the Narcissus after him and still grows there today.

NARCISSUS

[sadly, to the water:] I love you.

ECHO

I love you.

NARCISSUS

I love you.

ECHO

I love you.

CUPID

At last, Narcissus could be with his true love, and Echo could be with hers. And she always got in the last word.

CUPID

And now, with your permission: my song.

[song: Finale]

Some rivers never run smooth.

Most rivers never run straight.

You can't change these facts

And you can't change the world

Or your fate.

NARCISSUS

Once upon a time

There was a boy met a girl.

And he loved her!

Whatever happened to that boy?

Once upon a time

There was a princess met a frog.

And he loved her!

Whatever happened to that frog?

[to Echo:]

I loved you. Once.

ECHO

I love you.

NARCISSUS

For a little while.

ECHO

I still love you.

NARCISSUS

Once upon a time.

NARCISSUS and ECHO

Maybe you didn't know.

Maybe I should have said something.

And if I had...

Maybe we could have been something

If maybe I had told you:

NARCISSUS

I loved you...

ECHO

I love you.

NARCISSUS

...once.

CUPID

Some people follow their dreams.

The rest of us take what we get.

We don't have cloud castles,

Or big fancy cars,

Or regret.

HERA

When you find a river that runs straight and smooth.

It's a canal.

DAPHNE

And when a story ends in "happily ever after"

It's a fairy tale.

CUPID

Love is like stud poker

If you don't have a hand, you can bluff.

But when the chips are down, that pair of deuces is still gonna be a pair of deuces.

NARCISSUS and ECHO

Remember:

Now is your chance when the game is romance

As for tomorrow, who can say what's in store.

HERA

If you want to complain, you'll be crying in vain

Because I've heard it all so many times before.

DAPHNE

Oh, your ship may come in, but don't expect it to have

A big neon sign on its prow.

CUPID

And you won't live happily ever after

If you're never "happy ever now."

COMPANY

No you won't live happily ever after

If you're never "happy ever now".

No you won't live happily ever after

If you're never "happy ever now."

NARCISSUS and CUPID

No you won't live happy ever

If you're never ever happy now.

ECHO, DAPHNE and HERA

No you won't live happy ever

If you're never ever happy now.

CUPID

Take the bull by the horns when you're falling in love

If you don't have a bull, grab a cow.

COMPANY

'Cause you won't be happy-ever after

If you're never "happy ever now."

ECHO, DAPHNE and HERA

If you're never ever happy

never ever happy now.

NARCISSUS and CUPID

No you won't be happy-ever after

If you're never "happy ever now."

ECHO and DAPHNE HERA

If you're never ever happy Nevernever, nevernever, nevernever

never ever happy Nevernever, nevernever, nevernever

now. Never happy now.

NARCISSUS and CUPID

No you won't be happy-ever after

If you're never "happy ever now."

ECHO, DAPHNE and HERA NARCISSUS and CUPID

If you’re

Never never never never Why Are

Ever ever ever ever You So

Never never never never Hard On

Ever ever ever ever... Your Self?

Never happy now. never happy ever happy

Let your- Let yourself be

self be Let yourself be

happy Let yourself be

ever Let yourself be

After now! After now!

NARCISSUS and CUPID ECHO DAPHNE and HERA

If you’re never ever If you’re

happy ever after Never happy never ever happy

ever after Ever ever

now! Now! now!

Narcissus & Echo

NARCISSUS Michael Graziano

CUPID Johnny Kaufmann / Gary Tucker

PROLOGUE