How Big Is Your Boogum?
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2010
How big is your boogum? I mean think about it. It's gotta be different for everyone, right? My boogum is about like so. (gestures) Like the size of a testicle. Enough to hold about 7 in a handful. (cups hand) Not that I've ever held a handful of testicles. Because first of all, where would you get them? I mean loose ones. If they were still attached, I don't even think seven is possible.THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Maybe four at most.
Or… (thinks about it) (adjusts position of hand) maybe six. I'm not really the one to ask. My ex-girlfriend might know. But that's where the term comes from.
Because a boogum is a unit of measure that measures how many boogums is a handful. Because when you think about it, how much is a handful? (I mean, obviously I'm not stupid. I know what a handful is. It's how much fits in your hand.) But how many is that—exactly—when you think about it? It depends on how big your hand is, right? Assuming you're using your own hand. And what you're holding—is it liquid or solid?
Does it stack easily?
Or is it oily or slippery?
But mostly it depends on WHAT and how big is the thing your handful is a handful OF. A handful of Skittles might be a couple dozen. But if it's a handful of…
(raises cupped hand a little higher) Well, that would have to be one, right? But what if it's a handful of something you can't even hold in your hand? Like a handful of excuses.
Or a handful of sticky situations.
(I know I've been in a handful of sticky situations before. Have you?)
Or a handful of ideas.
What does that mean? When someone has a handful of ideas? Is that like 5? Or a thousand? I don't know about you, but I can fit an infinite number of ideas in my hand. And that's why I invented the boogum. Because when somebody tells you… they've only slept with a handful of guys before you, they don't mean that literally. Like one guy. (adjusts position of cupped hand) …Or two. No. They mean a specific number of guys equal to the maximum number of imaginary guys they could hypothetically hold in one hand if they were all the same size and shape, and small enough to fit in her hand. And how big or small those things are in that person's imagination determines how many imaginary things they could hold if they were real and they had a whole handful of them. And that is a boogum. Small boogum. Bigger handful.
Bigger boogum. Harder to hold. My boogum is about the size of a testicle. 7 in a handful. Or 6, I guess. My ex-girlfriend? Well, I wish she had a bigger boogum. Because maybe she wouldn't have to sleep with so many guys.
First performed at No Shame Roanoke on August 6, 2010 by Jeff Goode.