Guido Gets the Drop
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
Yeah, its me. Where the fuck are you? Wheres my money? Someone was supposed to call me to set up the drop. But I havent heard shit from you or your people, and Im startin to think youre not serious about doing business here.
Nah, Im not waitin anymore. This happens today, right now, or heads are gonna roll. I dont care about all your cloak and dagger bullshit.
If I dont see you in person in about 5 minutes, Im takin my merchandise to another customer.
And if you dont wanna meet me yourself, then send me one of your guys, I dont care. But if I dont hear from someone from your organization, in about 5 minutesAnd I find out you fucked meThen Im gonna come down there and find you myselfDont laugh at me, so help me, I will find you!I will find out who you are I will find out where you live And Im gonna come down there and personally rip off your anonymous head, and shit down an undisclosed part of your body. Do you understand me, Vinnie? You got 5 minutes to set up this drop, or I walk. And thats my final offer.
I gotta go. Someones comingHey, dont hang up on meYou got 5 minutesI said dont hang up on me! God damn it!! Hello? Hello?
Why did you put me on hold? You havent been answering your phone all day. I thought something had happened to you!
No, Im not being paranoid. Were you talking to someone on the other line? Who was it? Was it him? Was it the guy?
I will not calm down! My life is in danger here! You know what happens to me if they find out what Ive got.
No, Im not at home. I had to leave, it wasnt safe, I had to get out. I think someone is watching my house.
Im not being paranoid, stop saying that. Im telling you, someones following me. People are watching me. I can feel it. Everybodys lookin at me.
Look we have to meet. We have to get together, right now. Somewhere public. I dont care where. I just have to see you.
I dont care about that. I wanna know whats going on. I wanna know who Im dealing with.
No, Im not going back to my house. Ive got to keep moving. Im telling you, Im being followed. I can hear them.
Do you hear that? I think someones coming. Theyre coming right now. We have to meet! You have to meet me right now! I gotta get outta here.
You know I cant do that. Thats not how it works. Nobody sees nobody. Thats the way it works. That way theres no connections. You got to go back to your house, and just wait. Somebody will call you.
And now youre being paranoid again. Youre behaving irrationally.
Look, have you got the money?
You got all of it? Small bills, like I told you?
Good, thats good. When my guy gets ahold of the guy thats got the merchandise, hell call me, and Ill call the guy that calls you. Hes gonna tell you where to drop the money. You do all that like youre told, and you get your life back, okay?
Dammit! All right, listen, I got another call comin in. I gotta take this.
And dont threaten me with comin down here, you can look all you want, but youre never gonna find me, or my people, or my 30 million dollars, till we want to be found, and thats my final offer.Now shut up, and stop callin here and wait! When Im ready to make the drop, someonell call you. You got that? Wait. Dont call here. Im hanging up now
Look, Im sorry about that. I had to take that.
None o your business who it was. Just shut up and stop being paranoid and listen: Youre not in any danger. No, youre not. Nobody knows who you are. Thats the beauty of it all. You do this right, theres no chance of anybody getting hurt. You got my promise on that.
Now, are you sure you got the money? You got the whole 30 mill?
And its at your house?
Why is the money not at your house? What do you mean its in a safe place? This is not how I told you to handle this!
You put it in the bank?!
Oh, you put it in a safe deposit box. Okay, thats good. Thats smart. Thats okay. And you got the key? You got the key to the safety deposit on you? You got it with you right now?
Good. Thats good. Now heres what I want you to do: Just stay there. Dont move a muscle.
No, I dont want to know where you are, I told you that. I just dont want you to go nowhere else. Just dont move. Stay right where you are. Im gonna go get my guy. Hell set up the drop. Youll get a call. This whole thingll be over in a heartbeat, I swear.
No dont go home. Stay where you are.
Im tellin you, youre safe there, wherever you are. Dont go anywhere.
No, Im going home. Im going take the key and Ill go back to my place, and Ill stay there. And Ill wait for the call there.
Are you sure we cant meet? You could come and get me. I could tell you where my car is and you could meet me there. Or you could send someone to come and pick me up. Please, Im begging you. Ill just give you the key, and thisll all be over.
Id just feel a lot better if I knew who I was dealing with, thats all.
No, youre right, Ill stay here. Im not going back to my car.
Or, wait, Ive got it. Ill get a ride home with someone else. Thats what Ill do. Ill just ask someone. Nobody knows me, right? Its like you said, Im perfectly safe.
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on October 19, 2007.