copyright © 2007 Jeff Goode

Guido Gets the Drop

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2007

(SCENE: A PUBLIC PLACE.) (GUIDO, a shady type, is waiting for a phone call. Growing impatient, he takes out a cell phone call, and makes the call himself.)

Yeah, it’s Guido.

Yeah, it’s me. Where the fuck are you? Where’s my money? Someone was supposed to call me to set up the drop. But I haven’t heard shit from you or your people, and I’m startin’ to think you’re not serious about doing business here.

Nah, I’m not waitin’ anymore. This happens today, right now, or heads are gonna roll. I don’t care about all your cloak and dagger bullshit.

If I don’t see you in person in about 5 minutes, I’m takin’ my merchandise to another customer.

And if you don’t wanna meet me yourself, then send me one of your guys, I don’t care. But if I don’t hear from someone from your organization, in about 5 minutes–And I find out you fucked me–Then I’m gonna come down there and find you myself–Don’t laugh at me, so help me, I will find you!–I will find out who you are… I will find out where you live… And I’m gonna come down there and personally rip off your anonymous head, and shit down an undisclosed part of your body. Do you understand me, Vinnie? You got 5 minutes to set up this drop, or I walk. And that’s my final offer.

(GUIDO hears someone coming.)

I gotta go. Someone’s coming–Hey, don’t hang up on me–You got 5 minutes–I said don’t hang up on me! God damn it!! Hello? Hello?

(Enter MELVILLE, frantic, from stage right, talking on a cell phone. GUIDO casually eavesdrops while he waits.)

Hello? Hello? Are you there?

Why did you put me on hold? You haven’t been answering your phone all day. I thought something had happened to you!

No, I’m not being paranoid. Were you talking to someone on the other line? Who was it? Was it him? Was it the guy?

I will not calm down! My life is in danger here! You know what happens to me if they find out what I’ve got.

No, I’m not at home. I had to leave, it wasn’t safe, I had to get out. I think someone is watching my house.

I’m not being paranoid, stop saying that. I’m telling you, someone’s following me. People are watching me. I can feel it. Everybody’s lookin’ at me.

(MELVILLE looks at GUIDO. GUIDO looks away.)

Look we have to meet. We have to get together, right now. Somewhere public. I don’t care where. I just have to see you.

I don’t care about that. I wanna know what’s going on. I wanna know who I’m dealing with.

No, I’m not going back to my house. I’ve got to keep moving. I’m telling you, I’m being followed. I can hear them.

(MELVILLE hears someone coming.)

Do you hear that? I think someone’s coming. They’re coming right now. We have to meet! You have to meet me right now! I gotta get outta here.

(Exit MELVILLE stage left.) (Enter VINNIE from stage right, talking on a cell phone.)

That is not gonna happen! You have to stop acting paranoid, and calm down.

You know I can’t do that. That’s not how it works. Nobody sees nobody. That’s the way it works. That way there’s no connections. You got to go back to your house, and just wait. Somebody will call you.

And now you’re being paranoid again. You’re behaving irrationally.

Look, have you got the money?

You got all of it? Small bills, like I told you?

Good, that’s good. When my guy gets ahold of the guy that’s got the merchandise, he’ll call me, and I’ll call the guy that calls you. He’s gonna tell you where to drop the money. You do all that like you’re told, and you get your life back, okay?

(GUIDO, bored with eavesdropping, takes out his cell phone and hits redial.)

No, there ain’t gonna be no meeting. Not with me. Not with anybody. You go home, you wait for the call, you do as you’re told. You’re startin’ to make me regret cuttin’ you in on this–

(VINNIE suddenly looks at his phone, angrily.)

Dammit! All right, listen, I got another call comin’ in. I gotta take this.

(VINNIE switches to the second line.)


(Before GUIDO can say hello, VINNIE cuts him off, screaming into his cell phone.)

Guido, you fat piece of shit! I told you to stop calling here. You don’t get to be handin’ out no ultimatums now. We do this my way, like I told you, or I swear to God, I will disappear like a fart on the wind, and you won’t never see one penny of your money! Is that clear?

(GUIDO stares at VINNIE, then at his phone, then at VINNIE.)

–And don’t threaten me with takin’ your business somewheres else, cuz ain’t no way a mook like you knows how to unload a 30 million dollar piece of merchandise. Not with Homeland Security breathin’ down your sphincter.

(GUIDO stares at VINNIE speechless. VINNIE, oblivious, continues screaming into his cell phone.)

–And don’t threaten me with comin’ down here, you can look all you want, but you’re never gonna find me, or my people, or my 30 million dollars, till we want to be found, and that’s my final offer.–Now shut up, and stop callin’ here and wait! When I’m ready to make the drop, someone’ll call you. You got that? Wait. Don’t call here. I’m hanging up now–

(VINNIE hangs up on GUIDO, and switches back to the other line. GUIDO stares at him in disbelief.)

–All right, are you still there?

Look, I’m sorry about that. I had to take that.

None o’ your business who it was. Just shut up and stop being paranoid and listen: You’re not in any danger. No, you’re not. Nobody knows who you are. That’s the beauty of it all. You do this right, there’s no chance of anybody getting hurt. You got my promise on that.

Now, are you sure you got the money? You got the whole 30 mill?

And it’s at your house?

Why is the money not at your house? What do you mean it’s in a safe place? This is not how I told you to handle this!

You put it in the bank?!

Oh, you put it in a safe deposit box. Okay, that’s good. That’s smart. That’s okay. And you got the key? You got the key to the safety deposit on you? You got it with you right now?

Good. That’s good. Now here’s what I want you to do: Just stay there. Don’t move a muscle.

No, I don’t want to know where you are, I told you that. I just don’t want you to go nowhere else. Just don’t move. Stay right where you are. I’m gonna go get my guy. He’ll set up the drop. You’ll get a call. This whole thing’ll be over in a heartbeat, I swear.

No don’t go home. Stay where you are.

I’m tellin’ you, you’re safe there, wherever you are. Don’t go anywhere.

(VINNIE exits stage right, as MELVILLE enters stage left, still talking on a cell phone. GUIDO, still flabbergasted, watches the scene unfold.)

No, I have to keep moving, I have to get out of here. It isn’t safe, I can feel it. It’s like eyes on the back of my head, I’m telling you.

No, I’m going home. I’m going take the key and I’ll go back to my place, and I’ll stay there. And I’ll wait for the call there.

(MELVILLE glances off right.)

Oh shit.

(GUIDO glances off right, too.)

They could be watching my car. I think I have to change cars. What if they’re watching my car, and now they know where I am? I can’t go back there.

Are you sure we can’t meet? You could come and get me. I could tell you where my car is and you could meet me there. Or you could send someone to come and pick me up. Please, I’m begging you. I’ll just give you the key, and this’ll all be over.

(GUIDO raises an eyebrow.)

No, I know. I’m sorry. I know that’s not possible.

I’d just feel a lot better if I knew who I was dealing with, that’s all.

No, you’re right, I’ll stay here. I’m not going back to my car.

Or, wait, I’ve got it. I’ll get a ride home with someone else. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll just ask someone. Nobody knows me, right? It’s like you said, I’m perfectly safe.

(MELVILLE notices GUIDO. GUIDO pretends not to be staring.)

Hey. Hey, you!

(GUIDO looks around.)


Listen, I don’t suppose you could give me a ride somewhere, could you?


First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on October 19, 2007.

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