copyright © 2004 Jeff Goode

Presidential Bulge
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2004
How about those Presidential Debates?
Show of hands: Was anybody else
there tonight --- in St. Louis?
Because I was.
In the sense that Jesus was there,
and Jesus is the Son of God,
and God is everywhere,
and there are people everywhere,
and there were people in St. Louis,
and I'm a person.
So it's like I was there in spirit. --- Spirit of the Lord
Did you hear where they had a 32-page contact
detailing every detail of the debates --
from the camera angles,
to the questions,
to what words they could say?
Like they couldn't show shots of the candidates from behind.
And you would think that's because
they don't want pictures of the president's ass
showing up in some chat room.
But did you hear how the real reason was because
somebody got a picture of the President's back
and there was this square bulge between his shoulders
like he had a radio transmitter under his jacket
that could have been receiving radio transmissions
into a hearing-aid style ear piece in his head
telling him what to say?
But if that was true
And Karl Rove was broadcasting from backstage somewhere
telling him what to do ---
Why would he make him lose the debate?
Unless you take into account
that the Democrats also had access to the 32-page contract
and they figured it out about the Radio Transmitter
and they were jamming him!
Because when you think about it,
John Kerry says he served in Viet Nam
Where he claims he was a Swift Boat Commander in the Mekong Delta.
And how do they communicate back to the base in Hanoi
so they know what part of the river to go up? --- BY RADIO!
And do you remember-- did you notice
at the Democratic Convention
all of his Swift Boat crew
except for one guy
was there to support him?
So you naturally have to assume
that one guy maybe has a different opinion.
But the missing guy didn't show up at the Republican Convention
or in any of the Swift Boat ads,
which is very strange for someone who had
turned against Kerry not to do.
Unless, of course, he was the ship's radio operator
and he's still working for Kerry,
hiding out backstage at the debates and
jamming the signal from Karl Rove
and telling him all the wrong things to say
Which explains why the President was always
scowling and grimacing --- because he didn't recognize the voice!
And he was thinking:
"This doesn't sound like Karl.
But I guess it must be because:
Who else would be jamming my signal?"
Because how would he know the Democrats were cheating at the debates?
But why else would Dick Cheney
give the wrong name for FactCheck.Com
Unless he gave the right name
and some hackers went online
and re-directed the traffic to an anti-Bush web site.
Because that's who's always out to get him
Hackers --- and Scientists --- and Educated people.
Because they got this crazy idea that the administration is anti-science -
which is soooo hypocritical,
because Bill Gates is like the richest man in the world,
so nobody has benefited more from the Bush tax cuts
than the computer hackers.
But they all think he's anti-science. Because why? ---
Faith-based medical research
and faith-based education
and faith-based space exploration,
But why are intelligent people and Scientists
so threatened
by advances in Faith Technology?
Because they know that in 4 more years from now,
when we've got a faith-powered prayer-mobile
cruising around the surface of Mars
beaming back high-definition pictures
that you can view
in streaming video
from your own home
sitting out on the back porch
just by believing in Jesus.
...That will be the end of Science as we know it.
And the Scientists know it --- And they know
we've got a really empty prison camp
down in Guantanamo Bay that's getting roomier every day
thanks to these trial lawyers telling us:
"Oh, you can't lock up enemy combatants
and keep the country safe forever"
Oh yeah? Well, how about enemy pacifists?
How about we take all the people
who think Freedom of Speech is their God-Given right,
but they don't believe in God
and put 'em in there until they
make up their minds which is which?
How about we take all the people
who want to take "We the People under God"
out of the Constitution
and put those people out of commission?
We'll see who's opinion is right and who's is wrong,
when you're locked up in Abu Ghraib
getting ass-fucked by Marines
and I'm taking pictures and posting them on the Internet
so you can download them at PornCheck.Org
And masturbate to streaming video of yourself
serving your country
The old-fashioned way
---one soldier at a time---
And then try to tell me this country's
not headed in the right direction.
Cuz it's gonna be tough to do that with your mouth full!
...I mean, am I right?

First performed at No Shame Portland on October 8, 2004.

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