Long & Hard & Full of Seamen
by Jeff Goode
(THREE PEOPLE on stage... LIGHTS UP FULL.)
ONE: Whats long and hard and full of seamen?
THREE: The naval academy at Annapolis.
TWO: Its full of seamen.
ONE: Its not hard.
THREE: Have you been to the Naval Academy? Its hard. Dont tell me its not hard.
TWO: And long.
THREE: Seems like forever.
ONE: Its a submarine!
ONE: A submarine.
THREE: Like a sandwich?
TWO: Thats not hard.
THREE: Not if you make em right. Should be soft.
TWO: Especially if its full of semen.
THREE: Oh, yeah, a semen sandwich would be totally soggy.
TWO: Hard to eat, I guess. Maybe thats what you meant. Whats long and hard-to-eat because its full of semen?
THREE: A semen sandwich, sure. That makes total sense.
TWO: But, wait, is it supposed to be long to eat, too?
THREE: You mean like, whats long-and-hard to eat?
TWO: Is that the question?
THREE: Something you eat with a straw.
THREE: Yeah! Eating a semen pizza with a straw.
TWO: That would be long and hard.
THREE: Takes forever.
TWO: Not really full of semen, though.
THREE: Yeah, the semens kinda sitting on top.
TWO: So maybe a calzone.
THREE: Sperm calzone. Chock full of semen.
TWO: Hard to eat.
THREE: Takes a long time to eat.
TWO: But worth it.
TWO: Better be. You know how hard it is to make one of those?
THREE: So its hard to make and hard to eat.
TWO: Yet, tender and flaky.
THREE: High in protein.
TWO: So its good for you.
THREE: If youre low in protein.
TWO: Well, you would be by the time you finished making a semen calzone.
THREE: Good point.
TWO: So maybe the question should be: Whats long and hard
THREE: Yet tender and flaky.
TWO: High in protein.
THREE: Tastes like semen.
TWO: And so difficult to make that you can only get them in the mess hall at Annapolis Naval Academy?
THREE: (shrugs) I dunno.
(They turn to ONE.)
ONE: You guys are unbelievable.
(ONE gets up and storms out.)
THREE: He doesnt believe us.
TWO: Probably hasnt tried one.
(BLACKOUT)THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on March 18, 2005.