copyright © 2005 Jeff Goode

Middle School Confession

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2005

(LIGHTS UP: Middle School Girl.)

I admit I was scared when I saw Jason had a gun in his locker.

Because even if he wasn’t planning on doing what it turned out he did. It’s just not safe to have a gun in your locker at school. Especially with no safety on. Because what if you slam the door too hard one day and it just goes off by accident?

And I admit I didn’t tell anyone at first because I was afraid of what Jason might do to me if he knew that I knew what he was thinking about doing. Or if he thought I would try to stop him.

I also admit that if his gun did go off and ricocheted and hit Megan Schuster right in her disgusting face, that it would not be such a bad thing. Well, maybe not for Megan. But definitely for the rest of the school. And for anyone who knows her, or has ever met her.

I also admit that even though Jason’s gun did not go off by accident, like I thought it would, I knew there was a good chance that it would go off eventually on purpose because Megan — who is a total bitch — has the locker right next to his, and any day she might say or do something that might provoke him into shooting her head off, right there in the hallway, because she has a bad habit of saying things to people that no decent human being would say to another human being.

Like when she told Bobby Worrel that I had mono, after her friend Teri overheard Bobby telling Andy Carger he wanted to kiss me behind the school.

Which he ended up never doing thanks to Megan’s big mouth.

And the only reason I even found out about it was because she also told Cassandra and Katie that he did kiss me, and I liked it. So now half the whole school thinks I’m either a slut, or I have mono, or I’m a slut with mono.

Which means now I’ll probably be a virgin till I die. Or at least until I graduate high school. Which was what I planned to do anyway, but a girl likes to have options, you know what I mean?

So it was only a matter of time before Megan said something stupid, or really mean to Jason, or one of his friends, that made him snap and go ballistic. And I mean literally ballistic, since he had the gun right there in his locker. And it was loaded.

And every day she didn’t was one more day that who knows if someone else might accidentally set him off, and he’d shoot them instead.

And that person might not even deserve it as much as Megan, or her best friend Teri, who I admit is not the biggest bitch in the whole school, but that is only because we already have Megan.

So I admit I was thinking about the safety of others when I taped a note to Megan’s locker that said that secretly Jason liked her and had a crush on her, and did she like him back?

Which I admit may not have been true. But on the other hand, it seems like every guy in our class thinks she’s either a total bitch, or kinda hot and likes her.

So even if Jason didn’t hate her enough to shoot her already - and he really did like her like it said in the note — he still would have hated her guts after she did what she did when she found out he had a crush on her.

Because instead of letting him down easy like a decent human being. Or at least not in public, right there in the hallway, next to the lockers. Megan had to go and confront him to his face, in front of everybody, with Teri standing right behind her, laughing at all the mean things Megan called him while explaining that she would rather be dead than go out with a skeevy dweeb like him.

And I admit that - even though it seemed pretty funny at the time - I probably should not have laughed out loud when Megan got her wish.

(she smiles)

And for that I apologize.



First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on May 27, 2005.

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