copyright © 2005 Jeff Goode
Name Dropping for Jesus
by Jeff Goode
A wise man once said or maybe it was a woman but whoever it was: very wise once said:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
And that mans name
was Adolph Hitler.
Or maybe it wasnt Hitler - maybe it was someone else but whoever it is the point is it doesnt matter who it is: Its just good advice.
You treat people nice, maybe theyll treat you nice.
You act like a dick youre probably gonna get dick in return.
It just makes sense.
Thats the thing about Morality. Its really just common sense.
You dont need to puff it up with celebrity endorsements.
Gandhi says: Stealing is bad."
"And Mother Theresa is against extortion."
Thats why youll never hear someone say:
"It is wrong to tie a woman down to a pool table and rape her with a billiard cue
Because GOD wouldnt like it."
And youve never heard a parent tell a kid
"Dont grab the dog by the ears and kick it in the nuts, or Jesus will hate you and youll burn in hell for eternity."
Yes, it probably does piss Jesus off, and yes, you probably WILL burn in hell, but nobody needs to tell you that. Thats just overkill.
"Dont kick the dog in the nuts, I get it, its bad. How would I like it if someone did that me to me, youre right, I take your point."
And the same is true for good deeds.
"Oh crap, I just donated 20 bucks to the Salvation Army, but nobody said God bless me as I was leaving. What if he doesnt?! What if I burn in hell for that?!"
When youre doing the right thing you dont actually officially NEED Gods seal of approval. You dont have to worry about:
"Oh, shit, I gave blood to the Red Cross this afternoon.
What if I burn in hell for that, too?"
You dont have to have Jesus standing at the end of the line handing you a cup of apple juice to know you did a good thing.
Right and Wrong Morality and Immorality - is pretty black and white.
Its only when youre trying to decide "vanilla" or "chocolate" that some prick from the Vanilla Company is going to try to tell you:
Its only when you get into the gray areas where God doesnt really have an opinion that you start to hear people telling you Gods opinion.
Chocolate is more sinful."
So, ironically, the only time youll ever see someone on the news (or in the Senate) preaching Morality is when theyd like to convince you to do something thats actually IMMORAL.
Like shutting down a school.
Or taking money away from the poor.
And God forbid they want you to commit an actual crime, cuz then you know Gods name is gonna come up a lot.
Like bombing an abortion clinic Jesus would approve of that.
Or tie a faggot to a fence and beat the crap out of him:
"Yknow Jesus never liked him.
He hates homosexuals.
Yknow what he likes, though?
Jesus would LOVE it if you forgave that priest who molested all those children, and all the people who hid all the evidence
"Yeah, its the Christian thing to do.
Forgiveness I mean, not the molesting."
Although molesting children isnt an especially un-Christian thing, when you really think about it.
I mean, its not like its an abomination.
We really oughta give the father a second chance. And a third one if we really want to prove were Christians.
But those god damn gays!
"Im sorry, I get a little worked up when I see people
There oughta be a constitutional amendment!
We gotta stop em before they destroy the sanctity of everything sanctified.
HURTING JESUS with their Sin."
Jesus wants you to pray in school.
Jesus wants you to force other people to pray in school.
"I know he says the exact opposite in the New Testament when he tells you to pray in private, not in public, because people who pray in public are just showing off, but cmon, who are you gonna listen to?
Or me telling you about Jesus Christ?"
"Do you want to burn in hell? Then burn those books!
Jesus would like you to go to war and kill all the bad people.
Dont make me call Jesus in here."
"But isnt killing bad people kind of like
Well, yes and no:
Yes, technically, killing is killing and yadda yadda yadda ten commandments.
But NO, killing bad people isnt the same as committing murder,
Because the bad people were planning things that were much worse than murder.
For example, they might be planning to commit murder!
of non-bad people. Hmm. That doesnt even make sense to me.
All right, look!
Jesus is down with this plan, so are you gonna rot for eternity?
Or you wanna get on this bus, soldier?!
"Is our plan working? I dunno. Better start singing God Bless America."
(Exits singing "God Bless America")
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on
May 27, 2005.