Danis Worst Birthday
by Jeff Goode
When I was 9 years old,
I found my dads stash of shemale pornography.
I thought they were gross.
But I was 9 years old
So seeing anything naked made me want to vomit.
And I just thought that was why
Looking at those pictures made me feel all squeamy inside.
When I was 12 years old,
My mom found my dads stash of shemale pornography.
I thought she was going to kill him.
He must have thought so, too.
cause he told her they were mine.
For a minute I thought I was dead for sure
But she just gave me that look of unconditional
Disgust, and love, and horror
That moms get when they find out their kid is gay, or a Scientologist.
And she asked me, very seriously,
If I feel more like kissing a boy, or a girl, when I grow up, or the other way around.
Well, it had never occurred to me that there were options.
And when I really thought about it, I suddenly understood why I felt queasy when I looked at Dads shemales.
So I looked my mother right in the eye and said,
"Mom I feel like a man trapped in a womans body."
Well, that was the end of that conversation.
She ran straight upstairs and cried.
And Dad wouldnt even look at me.
He just put all of his shemale pictures in the trash.
And I thought that was the end of it.
But then every year after that, on my birthday,
My mom would bring it up again.
"Daniel," shed say, "Do you still feel like a man trapped in a womans body?"
And Id shrug and say, "Sure, mom."
And then shed look all sad again.
And tell me to make a wish and blow out the candles.
Every year she did that same thing.
And every year I wished for the same thing.
So I didnt think anything of it when she asked me again on my 16th birthday.
"Daniel, do you still feel like a man trapped in a womans body?"
"Yes, mom. I always do."
"Well, youre old enough now. Get in the car, were going to the hospital."
That was weird.
"Why, the hospital?" I asked my Dad as we were heading out to the car.
"Because, Daniel, thats where they perform the operation."
I couldnt believe it!
I couldnt believe my luck!
I could barely contain myself, I was so happy.
My birthday wish was finally coming true!
My parents were going to get me a trannie of my very own!
The trip to the hospital was a blur,
but Ill never forget the final few minutes
waiting in the examination room,
wondering what he/she would look like.
Tall, I thought. But not too tall. Rugged. Feminine.
And then a woman came in.
At least, I think she was a woman.
She was dressed like a nurse.
And she said, "hello". And I said "hello".
And then she rubbed alcohol on my arm and gave me a shot of something that made me very sleepy.
And when I woke up,
My parents were there by my bedside.
And I was a woman.
I took one look at myself and said, "My God, what have you done to me?!"
And Mom just smiled and said, "Happy Birthday Danielle. Now, how do you feel?"
And I said, "You idiot!
I still feel like kissing a man trapped in a womans body,
That doesnt mean I want to BE one!"
That was the worst birthday ever.THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on November 10, 2006.