Twas the Night Before Spider!!
by Spider the No Shame Spider
(A STORYTELLER holding a copy of Clement Clark Moores NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, opens it, as if to read. Enter a GIGANTIC SPIDER on her shoulder. He reads:)
SPIDERTwas the Night Before Christmas,
(Storyteller closes the book with a snap.)
I hate mice.
Theyre too big to eat - and too small to clean my apartment.
Ive got a mouse in my apartment right now - and he doesnt do shit.
And every Christmas I leave out milk and cookies for Santa.
And in the morning the cookies are gone.
...Almost as if Santa Claus had eaten them.
But I think its that fucking mouse!
Because he never drinks the milk.
And because the whole next day, hes actin all nice to me.
And then he cleans my apartment.
Merry Christmas, mouse.
(Storyteller offers Spider a handkerchief to blow his nose.)
(FADE TO BLACK.)THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on December 8, 2006.