The True Meaning of Passover
by Jeff Goode
(Lights up on: PAPA and BENJAMIN)
PAPA: Yes, Benjamin?
BENJAMIN: What is the true meaning of Passover?
PAPA: Well, my son, it all started many, many years ago, in the ancient land of Egypt
(Lights up on: Ancient Jewish couple, JOSEPH and ESTHER with a bucket of blood, frantically marking their doorsill.)
ESTHER: Hurry up! Its almost sunset.
JOSEPH: God, I hope this works.
ESTHER: What about the window? Should we put blood on that, too?
JOSEPH: Moses didnt say anything about the window.
(Suddenly, they hear HORRIBLE SCREAMING offstage)
ESTHER: Whats that??
JOSEPH: (looking out the front door) Its the Angel of the Lord! Hes killing everybody.
ESTHER: Not everybody. Just the firstborns.
JOSEPH: Im a first born.
ESTHER: I know. Im sorry.
JOSEPH: Get the fucking window!
(There is a KNOCK at the door.)
ESTHER: Somebodys at the door.
JOSEPH: Im not here.
(ESTHER goes to the door and peers out.)
ESTHER: Its your boss, Mr. Osiris.
(JOSEPH goes to the door, lets OSIRIS in.)
JOSEPH: Mr. Osiris? What are you doing here?
OSIRIS: Oh God, Joseph, its horrible! My best cow! My best goat! My finest ass! Theyre all dead!
JOSEPH: What about your first born son?
OSIRIS: Oh God, I cant even think about that!
ESTHER: Angel of the Lord got him, too?
OSIRIS: It came right through the front door, grabbed my boy out of his crib and eviscerated him right in front of me and the wife!
JOSEPH: My God! What did you do?
OSIRIS: I got the netherworld out of there, are you kidding me? My babys blood is all over the living room.
JOSEPH: Thats awful.
OSIRIS: It was a fucking nightmare, are you kidding?
(Theres another KNOCK at the door.)
ESTHER: Who is it?
ANGEL: (offstage) Angel of the Lord.
OSIRIS: Whats he doing here?!
JOSEPH: He must have followed you! Oh, God, I hope he followed you.
OSIRIS: Theres nobody home!
(ANGEL OF THE LORD comes in, anyway.)
ANGEL: Which one of you is Osiris?
(OSIRIS and JOSEPH point at each other.)
OSIRIS / JOSEPH: He is! / He is!
ANGEL: And which one of you put the blood over the door?
(OSIRIS points at JOSEPH. As does JOSEPH.)
OSIRIS / JOSEPH: He did! / I did!
OSIRIS: What? No, I did!
ANGEL: Too slow, first born.
(ANGEL stalks toward OSIRIS.)
OSIRIS: First born? But I had three older sisters. You know what its like growing up with three older sisters?!
ANGEL: Yeah, this has really gotta suck for you.
(ANGEL rips his guts out.)
ESTHER: Oh! My! God!
(ANGEL turns toward JOSEPH.)
JOSEPH: Oh my god oh my god oh my god.
ANGEL: No, youre cool, I saw the blood.
(ANGEL heads for the door.)
ANGEL: Happy Passover, everybody! See you next year!
(OSIRIS is still twitching on the floor a little.)
JOSEPH: Holy shit!
(Lights fade on JOSEPH and ESTHER)
BENJAMIN: Holy shit!
PAPA: Thats right. And dont you forget it.
(END OF PLAY)THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on April 6, 2007.