"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess." Girl. Hi. "She lived in a lovely little castle at the edge of a beautiful forest." Girl. Hi. "And deep in the darkest corner of that forest lived an evil dragon." Boy. Rargh! Hi, I'm a dragon. "One day, while the princess was picking berries in the forest, she stumbled into the dragon's lair." Girl. Tra la la, what fun! Picking berries in the forest. Boy. Hiya, babe. Girl. Oh, hi. Boy. Whatcha got in the basket? Girl. Fresh-picked berries, would you like some? Boy. No, I prefer... ...meat. Girl. Oh... I don't have any meat. Boy. Oh... Doesn't it bother you that I'm fifty feet tall and scaly and reptilian with big claws and fangs? Girl. Oh my God, you're a dragon! Help! Help! Damsel in distress! Damsel in distress! Boy. Heh heh heh, come with me, babe. "So the mean evil dragon captured the beautiful princess and imprisoned her in his cave." "Meanwhile, her mother, the queen was worried sick." Girl. Hi, I'm the queen, and I'm worried. My daughter hasn't come back from the forest where she went to pick berries for a pie. If she doesn't come back soon there won't be any fresh-picked berries for the pie and I'll have to use the berries from yesterday, so the pie won't be very good, we won't have any dessert for dinner and the whole meal will be ruined. "She was also worried about her daughter's safety." Girl. Well, yes, that too. But we have guests for dinner. Boy. Hi, I'm Sir Galamour-- "Wait for the narration." Boy. Sorry. "Sir Galamour, a brave knight, valiant and bold and famous for his heroic feats, offered to save the princess." Boy. Hi. Girl. If you rescue the princess from the evil dragon, I will give you my eternal thanks. There will be fresh berry pie for dinner, and you will be invited. And you can have the princess's hand in marriage. Boy. O.K. "So the brave knight put on his bright shiny armor and his mighty sword and he got on his big white horse." Girl. Hi. "And he rode out to meet the dragon." Boy. Rargh! Hi, I'm a dragon. Girl. Help! Damsel in distress! Damsel in distress! Boy. Rargh! Shut up. Girl. Yuck! Get away from me, you horrible dragon. Boy. Come on, you know you want it. Girl. Yuck! Boy. Your lips say "No", but your eyes say "Yes, yes, yes." Girl. Help! Help! Boy. Hark! I hear cries of distress. Girl. I'm over here with the sleazy dragon! Save me! Boy. Rargh! Boy. Hand over the princess, you sleazy dragon. Boy. Whose gonna make me? Boy. I am Sir Galamour, a valiant knight come to rescue the princess from your foul clutches. Boy. Oh yeah? You and whose army? Boy. Just me. Boy. Oh yeah? Boy. Yeah. Boy. Oh yeah? Boy. Yeah. Boy. I breathe fire, you know. Boy. Ooh, I'm really scared. Boy. Rargh! Boy. Oh yeah? Boy. Yeah. Boy. Take that! Boy. Hah! Boy. And that! Boy. Rargh! Boy. Yah! Boy. Rargh! Boy. Yah! Boy. Rargh! Boy. Agh! Boy. Rargh! Boy. Argh! Boy. Agh! Boy. Ack! (he dies) Girl. Oh my God! Oh my God! Which one of you is dead? Are you the dragon? Are you the knight? Am I rescued? What's happening?! "And they lived happily ever after." "The End"
First performed at No Shame Iowa City on November 13, 1987.