by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2009
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR(Enter, ON BALCONY ABOVE, five office workers - SMOKEY, BETSY, NEUMANN, KNOWLES and GOULD.)
SMOKEY. Anybody got a cigarette?
BETSY. I'm too depressed to smoke.
NEUMANN. Have you heard anything about the cutbacks?
KNOWLES. The first emails were supposed to go out this morning.
GOULD. Email? Brutal.
BETSY. They're letting people know by email?
KNOWLES. That's why you gotta check your inbox.
BETSY. I gotta go.(BETSY exits ABOVE.)
SMOKEY. Anybody got a cigarette?(SUICIDAL MAN enters on the LEVEL BELOW. He trudges to center.)
SUICIDAL MAN. Oh God!!
NEUMANN. Hey, who's that?
GOULD. Isn't that Anderson from accounting?
KNOWLES. They just had the worst quarter on record.
SMOKEY. The accounting department is losing money? How is that possible?
KNOWLES. I don't know, but they're saying it's all because of Anderson.
NEUMANN. Oh, no, look. I think he's gonna jump.
SUICIDAL MAN. Oh God!! I hate my life! I just lost my job! Now I'm gonna lose my house. Which would have gone to my wife in the divorce anyway. I'm broke, I'm depressed, and for some reason I've got syphilis. I have nothing to live for.
GOULD. Jump! Jump!
NEUMANN. What are you doing?
GOULD. Ssh! Watch this. Jump! Jump!
KNOWLES. Yeah, hey, jump! Jump!
SUICIDAL MAN. I should!
SMOKEY. You better!
ALL. Jump! Jump! Jump!
SUICIDAL MAN. I will! Don't think I won't, cuz I will!
NEUMANN. I think he's gonna do it!
ALL. Jump! Jump! Jump!
SUICIDAL MAN. My whole life is falling apart around me, there's nothing left.
GOULD. Shut up and jump already!
KNOWLES. Yeah, we don't want to hear it! Just jump! Jump!
SUICIDAL MAN. I'm doing it. I'm gonna do it!
ALL. Jump jump jump jump!(He jumps.)
ALL. Oh my.(He jumps again.)
ALL. Oh!(And again.)
ALL. Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!(He starts jumping higher and higher, faster and faster, bouncing spastically around the stage. And LAUGHING!)
ALL. Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!(He jumps around till he is exhausted and happy.)
SUICIDAL MAN. Oh God. Oh Jesus, that felt good. Thank you, guys. (loses his balance) Whoa...(He recovers his balance.)
SMOKEY. That was close.(SUICIDAL MAN exits.)
NEUMANN. Oh my God... He jumped because of us. We made that guy jump.
KNOWLES. I don't see him complaining.(Enter BETSY on the LOWER LEVEL.)
BETSY. Oh God!!
ALL. Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!(BLACKOUT)
First performed at No Shame Roanoke on December 11, 2009.
SMOKEY ... Jason "Blue" Herbert
BETSY ... Amy Als
GOULD ... Brian Turner
KNOWLES ... Stevie Holcomb
NEUMANN ... Sarah Clifton
SUICIDAL MAN ... Chad Runyon