by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2010
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR(Enter JEFF-PLAYED-BY-ADAM with a bag of groceries and ADAM-PLAYED-BY-FRANK.)
JEFF: Hey, Adam Hahn.
ADAM: Hey, Jeff Goode!
JEFF: Can you be in a No Shame piece for me?
ADAM: I thought you were going to ask Frank.
JEFF: Frank's gonna be in it, but he's in California, and we need to rehearse. This is too important to just wing it.
ADAM: Too important?
JEFF: It's a tribute piece I'm doing for the wedding. I got everything I'm gonna need. Shaving cream. Mayonnaise.
ADAM: Shaving cream?
JEFF: I'm gonna shave on stage.
ADAM: How is that a wedding tribute?
JEFF: Because Brian did that piece that one time where he shaved off his beard. Remember?
ADAM: I don't think I was around for that.
JEFF: Oh, well, it was awesome.
ADAM: Yeah, but how are you going to do that piece?
JEFF: Well, first I put on the shaving cream.
ADAM: No, I mean, how are you going to shave if you don't have a beard?
JEFF: I don't?
ADAM: You decided to shave it off at the beginning of summer.
JEFF: Oh, right. Well, that's okay, because I got it all figured out. Instead of shaving my face beard, I'm going to shave my "down-there" hair.
ADAM: Your "down-there" hair?
JEFF: Yeah. You know, my lady parts.
ADAM: You don't have lady parts.
JEFF: No, I know. But if I did… That's what I would shave.
ADAM: Um, okay, and that's going to be a tribute to Brian Rochlin somehow?
JEFF: No, but then I'm going to cover my entire body in mayonnaise.
ADAM: As a tribute to Brian Rochlin?
JEFF: Because he's white. Get it?
ADAM: Jeff, you're white.
JEFF: Yeah, but I'm not like mayonnaise white.
ADAM: Neither is Brian.
JEFF: He's not?
ADAM: He's tanner than you!
JEFF: He is?
ADAM: He lived in Miami!
JEFF: Wait, so Brian's Cuban?
JEFF: So should I cover my body is salsa?
ADAM: He's not Cuban!
JEFF: Are you sure?
ADAM: And Cubans don't cover their bodies in salsa.
JEFF: So you mean I shaved for nothing???
ADAM: You haven't shaved yet.
JEFF: Well, there goes my Brian Rochlin tribute.
ADAM: Probably for the best.
JEFF: Now what am I gonna do?
ADAM: Have you thought about doing a Grace Lee tribute?
ADAM: Grace Lee.
ADAM: Grace Lee.
JEFF: It sounds like you're saying Grace Lee.
ADAM: I am. That's her name.
JEFF: Who's name?
ADAM: Brian's fiancée. The girl he's marrying.
JEFF: Her name is Grace?
JEFF: Grace Lee?
JEFF: So she's real?
ADAM: What? Of course she's real.
JEFF: No, that's cool. It's just when I heard he had a girlfriend, I just assumed, you know?
ADAM: Assumed what?
JEFF: That she was a euphemism.
ADAM: Euphemism for what?
JEFF: His lady parts.
ADAM: Oh, come on!
JEFF: You know, cuz he's always spending "quality time" with her. "Romantic outings".
ADAM: Okay, that's enough. You know Grace's family might be here tonight. Could you show a little respect?
JEFF: Grace's parents are real, too?
ADAM: Of course, they're real. They're all real.
JEFF: I'm gonna need more salsa.
ADAM: You don't need salsa!
JEFF: Hey! You disrespect their nuptials your way, and I'll do it mine!!
ADAM: You're not supposed to be disrespecting them!
JEFF: What?! Then why did they invite me?
ADAM: And how could you not think Grace was a real person?
JEFF: Are you kidding? Have you heard the way he talks about her? It's like she's awesome or something. Where's Brian gonna get a girl like that?
JEFF: Exactly. And we all know that's not how it works.
ADAM: Okay, but you've actually met Grace.
JEFF: I have?
ADAM: Many times.
ADAM: Who do you think that nice lady is that hangs out with Brian all the time and beats you at poker?
JEFF: That's Grace?
JEFF: I love her!
JEFF: She's awesome.
ADAM: I know.
JEFF: She's going to be at the wedding?
ADAM: Jeff, she's the bride. She is the wedding.
JEFF: You say that now. But they haven't seen my No Shame piece.(He sprays shaving cream into his pants.)(He smiles victoriously.)
ADAM: Um… How many times are we going to rehearse this?
JEFF: Till you get it right.(BLACKOUT)
First performed at Brian Rochlin & Grace Lee's Wedding No Shame at the Santa Monica Playhouse on July 16, 2010.
Performed by Adam Hahn and Frank Ensenberger.