THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS BY JEFF
GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED,
DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT.
(RING)
(RING)
(RING)
(lights up on Mary, at a desk with several phones, Jesus nearby at
another phone)
(RING)
1-800-VIRGIN-M
MARY
(answering the phone:)
Holy Mary Mother of God.
(young voice: Hello?)
Hello, this is Mary, can I help you?
(young voice: Is Jesus there?)
He's real busy, can I tell him who's calling?
(young voice: Susan.)
How old are you, Susan?
(young voice: Four an' a half.)
Is it real important, Susan?
(young voice: ...Uh huh.)
Okay, I'll put you right through.
(Mary puts Susan on hold)
Susan on line one.
JESUS
Little Susan with the pigtails?
MARY
Yes, that's the one.
JESUS
(picking up a phone:)
Hello?
(Jesus talks quietly with Susan through the
following)
(RING)
MARY
(answering the phone:)
Holy Mary Mother of God.
(second voice: This is Father Delaney, I need to speak to the Lord
directly.)
I'm sorry, Father, I can't put you through right now.
(second voice: When should I try back?)
WHEN THE CHURCH ADMITS WOMEN TO THE PRIESTHOOD!
(slams the phone down)
(aside to audience:)
These guys really get me. Now, watch, he's gonna call back and try--
(RING)
(answers the phone:)
Hello, Father Delaney.
(second voice: uh... the priesthood is modeled after our Lord Christ
who, uh, was male and )
Oh! A Christ complex! Let me put you through to David Koresh in Hell, his line is
free.
(she transfers the Father's call to hell.)
(aside to audience:)
It's his first time, he'll learn. ...Actually they never learn, but after awhile they do stop praying.
(RING)
(answers the phone:)
Holy Mary Mother of God.
(third voice: Hail Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with thee--
)
Yes, he is. Can I help you?
(third voice: Blessed art thou among women--
)
--and blessed is the fruit o' my loins Jesus. Listen, if you're trying to suck up, you're gonna have
to be more original.
(third voice: ...Wha--?)
Whaddaya want??
(third voice: I'm supposed to say twenty Hail
Mary's.)
Please, spare me.
(aside to audience:)
They do the crime, and I do the time. Does that make sense?
(on the phone:)
Listen...
(she glances at her caller ID.)
...Paul?
(third voice: Yeah.)
Are you sorry you did it?
(third voice: Oh... yes.)
Are you gonna do it again?
(third voice: (pause))
(Mary bangs the receiver on the desk several
times)
Paul?
(third voice: No, ma'am!)
You better not! Now go home, and do something nice for your neighbors.
(third voice: uh... okay... thanks, thank you.)
(RING RING)
(fourth voice: Ave Maria, Mater Dium--)
Ah ah ah, Cardinal Nelson, you know the rules. Not until I see women in the priesthood.
(fourth voice (in a whisper): Please, can this wait? I'm in front of my
congregation.)
Oh, in that case...
(she pushes a button, there is a loud rumbling sound, like thunder. She
picks up a bullhorn and speaks into the phone:)
NO! NO! YOUR PRAYERS WILL NEVER BE ANSWERED!
(she hangs up)
(aside:)
I said to my son, "Jesus, you gotta come out for women's rights." So he tells me...
JESUS
(also addressing the audience:)
That's why I said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If people followed that
rule, there wouldn't be any discrimination of any kind.
MARY
And I said, "No, you gotta say something specifically about sexism or it's gonna be another 2000
years before they give us the vote." So he says...
JESUS
Okay, what if I say "Love thy neighbor as thyself"? That hits home for a lot of people.
MARY
My son.
And I said, "Jesus, look, people are a lot dumber than you think. Some of 'em might get the
message, but unless you spell it out for 'em, most people are gonna think that's an ad campaign for
Neighborhood Crime Watch."
JESUS
Okay, I've got a great idea. I've got this parable about a Samaritan. I could make it a Samaritan
woman, then I'll come out strong against racism and sexism.
MARY
So I said, "Jesus, listen. All that stuff is great, but if you don't want people to get their signals
crossed, what you gotta do is say flat out "Prejudice is sin" Can you do that for me?"
JESUS
Prejudice is sin.
MARY
"Good." So I says to him, "Hey, aren't you going up to Mount Sinai to deliver a sermon today?"
JESUS
Uh huh.
MARY
"When you get there I want you to say--"
JESUS
Prejudice is sin.
MARY
Right.
(RING)
(answers the phone:)
Virgin Mary
(fifth voice: Hi.)
Hi, sweetie, what's your name?
(fifth voice: Jamal. (pause))
Did you have a question, Jamal?
(fifth voice: I'm inna inna inna pageant. At church. An' an' an' an' I wanna
know if does Jesus have a beard?)
Well, why don't you ask him, yourself?
(to Jesus:)
Jamal on line one.
JESUS
(on the phone:)
Hi, Jamal.
MARY
(aside:)
He just loves little children.
(RING)
(sixth voice: Is Jesus there? I have a
question.)
Jesus is busy right now, maybe it's something I could help you with.
(sixth voice: Uh, no, I'd better wait for Jesus.)
He's very busy.
(sixth voice: Uh no, it's kind of a guy thing.)
(Mary looks at her caller ID.)
Is this Carl?
(sixth voice: Uh yes.)
Sore throat? Spot on your arm that won't go away?
(sixth voice: Uh huh.)
Yes, it's HIV. Yes, you got it from your supervisor's wife when he was in Dallas that time, and,
no, if you had given money to AIDS research in the '80s back when it was a gay thing, there
might have been some hope for you, but now you should probably be thinking in terms of tasteful
funeral attire. Does that answer your question?
(sixth voice: oh boy...)
(Mary hangs up)
(aside:)
So Jesus comes back from Mount Sinai, and I ask him, "Did you say it?" And he says...
JESUS
Well, okay, I was on my way up the mountain, and I'm saying to myself "Prejudice is sin,
prejudice is sin", just like that. And I look out and there's a pretty big crowd gathering. Maybe
5000 people out there, and they're spread out over this huge area. Plus they got me standing on
top of the mountain; which makes sense visually, but it's not the best thing for acoustics. And I
thought, What if they can't hear me? What if it sounds like I'm saying "Prejudice is in"? That
could be disastrous!
MARY
(sarcastic:)
Catastrophic! Why that could lead to people burning crosses in the name of racial purity! Thank
God that didn't happen!
JESUS
Burning what??
MARY
So what did you say?
JESUS
Blessed are the poor in spirit...
(Mary, gesture of exasperation)
(RING)
(seventh voice (Pope accent): Ave Maria, Mater
Dium...)
MARY
(to the audience:)
It's the Pope. I'll never understand how this Latin thing started.
(to the caller:)
I'm sorry, we're Jewish, could you try that again in Hebrew?
(slams the phone down)
Jesus hated Latin. He got it eventually, but he had to take the class three times.
JESUS
Who was that?
MARY
Some crank.
