(enter Mephistopheles like Moses from the mountaintop with a tablet of commandments)
(commanding voice:)THOU SHALT NOT KILL
That's right, I don't want you to kill.
I am asking you, pleading with you not to kill.
It accomplishes so little.
He or she is dead, and you probably go to jail for the rest of your life, and who does that leave to play with me?
No, no, absolutely no killing. If it's not all-out genocide, I don't wanna hear about it.
And I am absolutely against abortion. What good does that do?
(sharing a delicious, malicious secret:)Far better to let it live, grow up, have a miserable childhood, "Where's your father?" "I don't have a father." "Hahahahaha", hopefully it lives in poverty, so it turns to the streets, to a life of crime, so it develops a healthy lack of respect for other people's earthly possessions. Yes. Steals a car. Assault, maybe. Sells drugs to confused children from good families. Then, after 18-20 years of mayhem, then let it commit some horrible atrocity which demands the death penalty. Oh, I'm very much in favor of capital punishment. Exodus 7:18 "An eye for an eye". The more eyes, the better! Hell, anytime I can pull someone's eyeball out of its socket in the name of God... I'm in Heaven... so to speak. That's why I like 'feel good' movies.
DO NOT STEAL!
(looking for it on his tablet:)"Thou shalt not steal", it says that here somewhere.
(getting fired up:)I mean, come on, people, we gotta think in terms of job efficiency, here. I don't have time to quibble about--
(picks a sin from his tablet at random:)--coveting your neighbor's wife. Fine, don't do it. Just tell everybody you fucked her and I'm happy. It causes the same amount of interpersonal anguish, more really, and it takes less time, less effort. Efficiency. Okay, end of sermon. You wanna see my Moses impression?
(pretends to enter with tablets, looks at audience:)Hey, look, everybody!
(stomps on tablets)COCKSUCKINGPUSSYTITSDOGFUCKER...
(pause, looks at smashed tablet)Oops.
(to audience:)I'll be right back.
(pretends to exit, end of impression)Okay, he didn't say "Dog fucker", but everything else was pure Moses. What a dork.
(looks at his watch)Okay, almost outta time.
(rapidly:)I need some volunteers. I need 10 people to park in the handicapped spot. 10 people to laugh politely at a nigger joke. and 10 people to "try not to get involved". Can I have a show of hands?
(blinding flash of light)
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