THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT.
(enter Rafael, reverently, with a bowl of condoms)
(when he reaches center stage, a pedestal rises out of the floor for him to set it on.)
(sound of a knock at the door)
(Rafael throws a cloth over the bowl of condoms. He hurries into the changing room and begins changing his clothes)
Rafael.Come in!
(the studio door opens, revealing Mary in typical Virgin Mary garb.)
The Portrait of the Virgin Mary

Mary.Hello?
Rafael.(off:) Come in, I said.
Mary.Is Rafael here?
Rafael.(off:) Master Rafael.
Mary.Jack sent me over. He said you needed a model.
Rafael.(off:) I know who you are.
Mary.Oh, okay. ...Do you want me to come back later?
Rafael.(off:) I will just be a moment. If I am to paint you properly, I must be comfortable. Make yourself at home.
(Mary looks around the studio. She goes to the bowl on the pedestal, peeks under the cloth.)
Mary.These look tasty.
(Mary reaches into the bowl of condoms and pulls out an apple, eats it.)
(Enter Rafael, wearing the kimono - and probably nothing else)
Mary.Oh, I like that.
Rafael.It's a kimono. From the Orient.
Mary.Yes, I know what a kimono is. You're not going to wear that when you paint me?
Rafael.Probably not.
Mary.Good, I'd hate to see it ruined.
(Rafael circles her like a predator. As they talk, he seems to inspect her clothing, at first feeling the fabric, but then running his hands across her body. His touch become more and more inappropriate.)
Rafael.Is it true what they say about you?
Mary.What do they say?
Rafael.That you are "the Virgin".
Mary.Yes, that's true.
Rafael.That you are very good.
Mary.Yes, I am.
Rafael.That you are very, very good.
Mary.Well, I don't know--
Rafael.The best in the business.
Mary.You're making me blush.
Rafael.Is it true?
Mary.I've never had an unsatisfied customer.
Rafael.Oh good! Because that's all I want from you.
(husky:) Satisfaction.
Mary.(husky:) I guarantee it.
Shall we get started?
(They turn away from each other. Mary reaches into her purse. Rafael unbelts his kimono.)
(When they turn to face each other again, Rafael is naked and Mary has a can of mace.)
(She maces him. He screams and claws at his eyes.)
Rafael.AEYAGH! YOU BITCH! MY EYES!

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