The Portrait of the Virgin Mary Feeding the Dinosaurs by Jeff Goode (copyright © 1994)

THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT.

(lights crossfade to Rafael and the Virgin Mary. Rafael is just recovering from the effects of the mace.)

The Portrait of the Virgin Mary

Rafael. (still quietly panting:) you bitch... you bitch...

Mary. I think we should clear up one thing right away: You are an artist, not a gynecologist. Unless you think you can paint me a mammogram, you better not touch me again.

(pause, Rafael stunned)

Rafael. I am shocked! I never touched you. I was only helping you to get undressed. I am appalled at your lack of trust.

Mary. That's your story? I was getting undressed?

Rafael. This is a nude painting.

Mary. No, it's not.

Rafael. Yes, it is.

Mary. No, it's not.

Rafael. Don't argue with me. I know what I want to paint.

Mary. And I know how I want to pose. ...And if you cannot bridge the gap between the two with your imagination, then you are not the Master Artist Jack said you are. My job is to provide the inspiration, not the perspiration.

Rafael. Don't tell me your job! I am the artist! Your job is to serve me. You cannot dictate my vision. This is a nude. You will pose naked. Do you think I pay good money so you can destroy my masterpiece with your virgin propriety? I can have any woman I want, anytime. I don't need one with her own ideas about art. I will have you the way I want you, or I will not have you at all! Get out of my studio. Get out of my sight!

Mary. Uh huh. And the chicks go for that?

Rafael. You have soiled an artists' vision--

Mary. Now calm down, Rafael. There's no need to be that way. I've never had an unsatisfied customer, and I don't plan to start now. Let's try to work something out.

(pause, Rafael stunned again)

Rafael. Work something out?...
You are a vixen...
I think I may like you after all.

(Rafael unfastens the belt of his kimono)
Well, Mary the Virgin...
(he sits in front of her)
There is only one thing you can do that will satisfy me. Well, maybe two. And I will let you choose.
(pause)

MARY Listen, Rafael...

(she reaches into his kimono and picks him up by the scrotum.)

I don't know what you think you're doing, but I've been this close to the pecker of God. And if you think your pathetic piece of meat could be anything more than a major let down, then you are sadly deluded.
You seem to think you are God's gift to women, but let me assure you. If God wants to give women a gift, He knows exactly what we want, and He knows approximately where we want it delivered. And he won't need any help from you! You got that?

(she has backed Rafael against a wall, he is terrified.)

Now, I'm calling the police...

(Mary picks up the phone and dials.)

RAFAEL They will never believe you.

MARY You haven't met officer O'Hara. He's Catholic. I think he'll give me the benefit of the doubt.

(she reclines in a modelling pose while she dials.)

So unless you want an irate Irish cop in here with a couple of his buddies and an open and shut case of sexual harassment in the workplace, there'd better be a picture of me on that canvas when they get here. How's that for inspiration?

(Rafael rushes to the easel.)

Hello, officer. How soon can you get to the 16th century?

(BLACKOUT)

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Rafael.	(still quietly panting:) you bitch... you bitch...
Mary.	I think we should clear up one thing right away: You are an artist, not a gynecologist. Unless you think you can paint me a mammogram, you better not touch me again.
	(pause, Rafael stunned)
Rafael.	I am shocked! I never touched you. I was only helping you to get undressed. I am appalled at your lack of trust.
Mary.	That's your story? I was getting undressed?
Rafael.	This is a nude painting.
Mary.	No, it's not.
Rafael.	Yes, it is.
Mary.	No, it's not.
Rafael.	Don't argue with me. I know what I want to paint.
Mary.	And I know how I want to pose. ...And if you cannot bridge the gap between the two with your imagination, then you are not the Master Artist Jack said you are. My job is to provide the inspiration, not the perspiration.
Rafael.	Don't tell me your job! I am the artist! Your job is to serve me. You cannot dictate my vision. This is a nude. You will pose naked. Do you think I pay good money so you can destroy my masterpiece with your virgin propriety? I can have any woman I want, anytime. I don't need one with her own ideas about art. I will have you the way I want you, or I will not have you at all! Get out of my studio. Get out of my sight!
Mary.	Uh huh. And the chicks go for that?
Rafael.	You have soiled an artists' vision--
Mary.	Now calm down, Rafael. There's no need to be that way. I've never had an unsatisfied customer, and I don't plan to start now. Let's try to work something out.
	(pause, Rafael stunned again)
Rafael.	Work something out?... You are a vixen... I think I may like you after all. (Rafael unfastens the belt of his kimono) Well, Mary the Virgin... (he sits in front of her) There is only one thing you can do that will satisfy me. Well, maybe two. And I will let you choose. (pause)