(Announcer's voice: Ladies and gentlemen... Virgin Mary!)

("Applause" sign flashes)

(A talk show set appears around Lisa, and she is the guest. Phil is the host.)

Phil.	Thanks for coming on the show tonight. So what's it like giving birth to the Son of God?
Lisa	I'm not the Virgin Mary.
Phil	And let's go to a commercial! ...or not. ...um. Where's the Virgin Mary?
Lisa	I don't know.
Phil	Oh my God! This is it! This is the apocalypse! I always thought I'd go peacefully in my sleep at a ripe old age surrounded by loved ones and family. Or when a big meteor hit the earth. Not like this. Not like this.
Lisa	What's wrong?
Phil	What's wrong??? This was the interview that was gonna win me a cable ace award, and now it's all over. We're gonna be cancelled! Do you hear me? Cancelled!!
Lisa	It's just a talk show.
Phil	It's not just a talk show. It's my life.
Lisa	You're not gonna live forever.
	(Phil's jaw drops.)
Phil	And let's go to a commercial! ...Well, what am I supposed to do? So Mary--
Lisa	Lisa.
Phil	What do you do when you're not fulfilling prophecy with your loins?
Lisa	I'm an artist.
Phil	Oh! You paint?
Lisa	Well... I wanted to be a painter, but I can't.
Phil	That's like me: I wanted to be a herbivore, but that's not really possible, so I kill my fellow dinosaurs and eat them. So how can you be an artist if you don't paint?
	(Lisa looks at her scarf.)
Phil	Hey, have you ever had a dream where the archangel Gabriel comes to you, and he says "Hey, you're gonna give birth to the Messiah"?
Lisa	There's something I have to do.
	(Lisa exits.)
Phil	I had a dream like that, but I told him forget it, I'm busy, I've got a syndicated talk show. I don't have time for that. Now can we go to a commercial?

(sound of a garage door closing as lights go down...)

(...and back up.)

Phil	We're back with my very special guest...
	(He looks at his guest's chair. Mary is sitting there.)
Phil	Agh! It's the Virgin Mary! Oh, thank God, you're here!
Mary	Actually, Joseph dropped me off.
Phil	Thanks for coming on the show tonight.
Mary	Thank you, Phil. I watch your show all the time.
Phil	Warm welcome for my guest.
	("Applause" sign flashes.) (Sound of applause.)
Phil.	So what's it like having sex with an omnipotent being?
Mary.	Oh, I don't think I can tell you that.
Phil.	C'mon, give us the dirt.
Mary	Really, I don't think I should.
Phil.	How 'bout it, audience?
Mary	Don't be rude, Phil.
Phil.	C'mon, bottom line: sex with God. (Mary just glares at Phil.) So, you're in town to help publicize your son's new tour?
Mary.	That's right, Phil.
Phil.	You must be very proud of him.
Mary.	I'm proud of both my sons, Phil. Jesus' brother James is a senior partner in his father's business.
Phil.	In the God business?
Mary.	No, carpentry. His father is Joseph. They have a contracting firm in Jerusalem.
Phil.	Right, and that brings up an interesting topic. You had children by two different fathers, at a time when that was not considered the proper thing to do.
Mary.	Yes.
Phil.	What was that like?
Mary.	It was no picnic. Jewish society in Galilee is very repressive. Most people think morality is something you force other people to do.
Phil.	A lot of holier than thou attitudes?
Mary.	I can't tell you how many times known adulterers and pedophiles would stop by on their way to temple to spraypaint obscenities on our front door! Thank God, Joseph is a carpenter.
Phil.	But it looks like you get the last laugh, though.
Mary.	I'm not laughing. It wasn't funny then, it isn't funny now.
Phil.	But things have kind of come full circle for you since then, haven't they?
Mary.	Oh, yes, those same people kiss my feet now. But none of them apologize for the spray paint.
Phil.	And now your son is the Messiah. In your wildest dreams did you ever think that something like this would happen?
Mary.	Yes, actually, the angel Gabriel came to me in a dream and told me everything.
Phil.	Yes, but, I mean... Every young Hebrew girl must hope that she will grow up to be the Mother of the Messiah. Isn't that true?
Mary.	No, I wanted to have a restaurant.
Phil.	A restaurant?
Mary.	Joseph and I were going to buy a little storefront, we were going to fix it up and open a cafe. Here's a picture. We were going to put in a patio here and then there's a loft upstairs where we could have lived with the boys. And this here opens out so we could operate a soup kitchen on the side.
Phil.	What happened?
Mary.	(shrugs:) I'm the Mother of the Messiah. You can't have everything.
Phil.	Do you ever disagree with your son, on religious issues?
Mary.	All the time.
Phil.	For example?
Mary.	Well, he likes to use parables when he teaches, he's a very good story-teller. But with a parable you tell it, then you have to explain it. And I keep telling him, he's not always gonna be there to make sure they understand. I mean, like if he retires, or, heaven forbid, if something should happen to him. Nobody lives forever, you know.
Phil.	...Uh huh.
Mary.	So, anyway, I keep telling him to use more slogans. Things that will fit on a bumper sticker.
Phil.	What do you think of his new partner?
Mary.	New partner?
Phil.	Yes, the, uh... Thai rhinoceros Rex.
Mary.	What?
Phil.	At recent speaking engagements, Jesus has been seen with a gigantic lizard monster thing. Do we have the news footage?
Mary.	What!
Phil.	So you don't know about this?
Mary.	Is it... big, uh, uh, 20 feet tall, two little claw hands, scaly, big head, teeth like, like scimitars?
Phil.	So you do know about it?
Mary.	It's the thing from my dream. The monster from my dream! No!
	(she runs off)
Phil.	Whoa. Uh, we'll be back with more from the Virgin Mary and this horrible creature from her dream, after this message.

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