The Portrait of the Virgin Mary Feeding the Dinosaurs by Jeff Goode (copyright © 1994)

THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT.

(RING)

(RING)
(RING)
(cl-click)
(Jack's voice: Jack Dinosaur, Renaissance Art Dealer.)
(Rafael's voice: Hello, it's Rafael.)
(Jack's voice: Rafael? Where have you been?)
(Rafael's voice: I know I should have called.)
(Jack's voice: We had a meeting last week.)
(Rafael's voice: I'm sorry.)
(Jack's voice: Where were you?)
(Rafael's voice: I've been painting.)

(lights have come up on Rafael in his studio area, surrounded by paintings, talking on the phone...
and Jack in his office area - desk, phone, highback chair - facing upstage, smoking a cigar)

JACK Painting?? I sent you the Virgin Mary two weeks ago, and you're still painting her??

RAFAEL I had a breakthrough.

JACK You had a deadline.

RAFAEL I'm sorry, I guess I got caught up in my work.

(pause)
(Jack's highback chair turns to face the audience. He is Mephistopheles.)

MEPHISTOPHELES Was she good?

RAFAEL Jack, you were absolutely right about Virgin Mary. She was better than any nude model I've ever worked with.

MEPHISTOPHELES And the painting is finished?

RAFAEL Yes. And seven others.

MEPHISTOPHELES You finished eight paintings!!!??

RAFAEL I think this is a real turning point for me.

MEPHISTOPHELES (aside:) Eight naked pictures of the Virgin Mary! Thank you, Jesus! ...What am I saying??

RAFAEL Would you like to see them?

MEPHISTOPHELES I'll be right over.

(Mephistopheles steps across into Rafael's area, taking him by surprise.)

Where are they?

(Rafael points at the easel.)

(Mephistopheles lifts a cover, looks at the painting.)

What is this!!!

RAFAEL That was the first one. But then after she had gone home, I had an inspiration, so I painted her from my imagination.

MEPHISTOPHELES You imagined her with clothes?

RAFAEL Look at her hands.

MEPHISTOPHELES Look at her clothes! She's wearing clothes. She's wearing clothes in all of them.

RAFAEL Yes, she didn't want to pose nude.

MEPHISTOPHELES Who told her she had a choice?

RAFAEL I didn't need her to be nude.

MEPHISTOPHELES I need her to be nude. I can't sell this. Nobody will buy this, Rafael. This isn't art. Naked nubile bodies is art. This isn't even PG-13.

RAFAEL But look at it, Jack! I think this is it. This is my masterpiece. Why does it have to be naked?

MEPHISTOPHELES Raffi, listen to me. You can have all the breakthroughs and masterpieces you want. But if you don't do it before the deadline. And if you don't get it to the gallery. And if I don't find a patron. And if the patron doesn't like it enough to shell out the cash for it. Then it's nothing. It's not a masterpiece, it's nothing.

(pause)

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?

RAFAEL No.

MEPHISTOPHELES There you go. Same thing with art.

RAFAEL Or maybe it does.

MEPHISTOPHELES Raff...!

RAFAEL (holds up the painting:) Jack, painting isn't about exploiting this woman, it's about expressing her. I poured my heart and soul into these paintings. They can't be nothing. You haven't even tried to sell them. Maybe they will. And so what if they don't? So what?

MEPHISTOPHELES Listen, Raff, Raffi. I'm not asking you to compromise yourself. I would never do that. But I don't want you to sell yourself short. Listen to you. You put your heart and soul into this?

RAFAEL Yes.

MEPHISTOPHELES Well, I'd say, that's about a 30% effort. Now, if you put your heart, your soul, and a few other body parts into it... Then you'd have something. Now we're talking masterpiece.
I mean, c'mon, you haven't even seen the woman naked. Am I right? If you think she's inspirational in this outfit, wait till you see her the way God made her: with a fig leaf and an apron.

RAFAEL But she doesn't--

MEPHISTOPHELES I know what you're gonna say. But trust me. You are a man. She is a woman. And they only say "no"... Until they say "yes".
A little wine, a little music, and before you know it...
You'll have a masterpiece... In a see-through nightie.

And then we'll both be happy. And fulfilled.

(Jack enters in his office area. He doesn't understand why it's a mess. He puzzles over the lit cigar in the ashtray)

RAFAEL I'll think about it.

MEPHISTOPHELES You think about it.

(He picks up a canvas with a painting of Rex)

And what is this?

RAFAEL I had a dream--

MEPHISTOPHELES (quickly:) Don't dream.

(Meph's beeper goes off.)

MEPHISTOPHELES Jesus Christ, I'm late.

(He rushes out of the scene.)
(Rafael is left holding the painting of the Tyrannosaurus.)
(Jack takes a puff on the cigar and begins coughing and choking.)
(a gigantic slide of Rafael's Rex painting.)

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