THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT.
(Slideshow: The Complete History of Art. A series of slides on the center screen, beginning with Byzantine religious depictions. One after another, slides of every painting ever created. The slide show continues throughout the rest of the play, gradually picking up speed.)
(Lisa enters in a spotlight, dressed as a dancer. She walks to the microphone. Music begins.)

LISA (sings:)
Certain things can never be undone.
Like a bullet fired from a gun.
They mark the turning points in life.
You can never go back.
(snap blackout. ...low, thunderous sound, like a distant explosion: POOM.)
THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS
(POOM - a gigantic silhouette of a crucifix falls across the entire stage.)
(POOM - the silhouette is replaced by a slightly smaller gigantic shadow.)
(POOM - and another shadow.)
(One explosion after another at one second intervals as the crucifix becomes smaller each time. When it is small enough to fit on a slide screen... POOM - it becomes a slide of Jesus on a cross. The slide also shrinks with each explosion until it is a one foot tall image.)
(POOM - the slide goes out and the lights come up on the one-foot-tall crucifix, borne aloft by dancers in mourning. They carry it to center stage and affix it to the stage floor.)
(They dance away from the crucifix. The low explosions continue as part of the rhythm of the underscoring.)
(A vaudeville theme joins the underscoring, and Jack and Phil scamper across in a follow spot, dancing furiously with top hats and canes.)

JACK
(to Phil:) We're dyin' out here.
(Lights up on Rex standing near the large crucifix, just like in Mary's dream.)

REX
ggrrrrrrrrrRrrRrrRrRrRRRRRRRR--
(Mary bursts in.)

MARY
Jesus!!
(She goes to the crucifix and takes Jesus off of it. He is like a baby in her arms.)
(to Rex:) I hate you.

REX
But I tried to help him. I'm his friend. I was with him at Gesthemene.

MARY
And what was he doing at Gesthemene? I told him to stay away from that place.

REX
It was for a good cause.

MARY
A good cause? You think that makes it okay? Do you think I care about the generations of people loving each other and hating each other and killing each other in my son's name? I didn't want him to be a martyr. That's not how I raised him.
(Mephistopheles appears in a cloud of fumes. He has the baby Jesus in his arms.)

MEPHISTOPHELES
(speaking very quickly over the drumbeats:) Let me tell you a story. True story. I'm driving on the highway, freeway, whatever. Woman cuts in front of me. No reason for it, just rude. Cuts right in front of me. So I speed up, catch up to her and I bump her. Just a little. Well, she can't handle it, car veers out of control, she careens off the road, car leaps an embankment, she dies. True story, happened in Chicago. Happens everywhere actually.
(Jack and Phil's follow spot brightens suddenly.)
Phil.Quick, tell a joke.
Jack.Pterodactyl walks into a bar.
Phil.You did that one.
Jack.You said tell a joke.
Phil.But you did that one.
(They continue to dance.)
(Lisa and Jesus finish a duet. Jesus is playing guitar.)

LISA and JESUS
You can never go back.
But if you can get past the past
There's a future up ahead.
...For both the living and the dead.
("Applause" sign flashes.)

JESUS
Thank you. Thank you. This next song's going out to my Mom.
(Jesus strums the first chord of Ave Maria.)
(Mary rushes in and grabs the guitar out of his hands. She smashes it against the floor.)
JesusMom--!
MaryGo to your room!
JesusBut, Mom---
MaryDon't argue with me. Go to your room, and don't come out until the Age of Enlightenment!
 
(Jesus starts to leave, but then he returns and says to her:)
Jesus.No.
 
(POOM.)

(Mary crumples to her knees, sobbing at his feet.)

Mary.Please.
 
(Lights switch, casting Jesus into shadow. Mephistopheles is revealed, dressed as a surgeon, Mary on the ground at his feet.)
Meph.Are you family?
 
(Mary looks up.)
Meph.Jesus has slipped into a coma. He may never come out of it.
 
(A group of nuns seize Jesus and drag him to a corner of the stage where they kick him and beat him with truncheons, just like the Rodney King videotape.)

JEFF
...and I saw this 16th Century oil painting of the Virgin Mary and a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I was amazed that this thing was in the basement. Because I guess it wasn't as beautifully done as some of the other, like, the Mona Lisa and all, so I guess that was it, but it was still astounding. And I thought: My God, what is this thing doing in the basement? People should see this. I mean, if people saw the Virgin Mary and a dinosaur, what would they think?
(Lights up on Mary and Rex near the wooden cross, again. Mary holds the baby Jesus in her arms.)

REX
ggrrrrrrrrrRrrRrrRrRrRRRRRRRR-CHOMP!
(Rex eats the cross.)
(Pause. Everything is very still, except for Jack and Phil, still dancing.)
(The slideshow is a silent blur of romanticist landscapes rushing toward impressionism.)
(After a while, Phil gives up:)
Phil.I think we should start over.
Jack.You and me?
Phil.All of us.
Jack.From the beginning?
Phil.No, not from the beginning. From the top of the scene.
Jack.But we're almost finished.
Phil.But we're not getting anywhere.
Jack.And you think if we start again?
Phil.Do you have a better idea?
Jack.No, do you?
Phil.No! That's why I said it!
Jack.That's why?
Phil.Yes.
Jack.Oh. I thought you were just getting tired.
Phil.Well, I am getting tired.
Jack.Well, then why do you want to start over? We'll probably just have to do it again.
Phil.Because.
Jack.I think we should skip to the end if you're getting tired. There's no point in starting over.
Phil.We can't skip to the end.
Jack.Why not?
Phil.Because we can't.
Jack.I'm sorry, I'm going to my ending pose. You do what you want to do.
 
(Jack goes to his position for the final tableau and freezes in a pose.)
Phil.You can't do this! Nobody knows why you're doing this. Stop it.
 
(Jack continues to pose.)
 Look, they're all looking at you. Nobody knows what you're doing.
 
(pause)
 If you think I'm gonna pose with you, you're wrong...
(Lights up on Rex and Mary, as before.)
(Mephistopheles appears between them drinking a beer.)

MEPHISTOPHELES
Last chance.
(Jesus appears to one side. Jesus voice is heard, but his lips don't move.)

JESUS' VOICE
Y'know, you're a sore loser.

MEPHISTOPHELES
I never lose.
(He takes out a gun.)

JESUS' VOICE
Violence is a sign of weakness.

MEPHISTOPHELES
And the weak shall inherit the earth.

REX
rrrrrrRrR--

MEPHISTOPHELES
You had such potential.

REX
I'm not a monster.

MEPHISTOPHELES
I don't need you.
(Meph grabs the baby Jesus out of Mary's arms and holds it up like a prize turkey.)

MARY
NO!

MEPHISTOPHELES
HA HA HA HA HA!
(Meph points the gun at Rex's chest.)
Bang.
(A gigantic tyrannosaurus skeleton falls from the sky and crashes to the stage behind Rex and Mary.)
(With an audible pop, the slideshow reaches cubism, and the images leap off the screen. Modern art flashes about the stage, splattering abstract images across every surface.)
(Mephistopheles tucks the baby under his arm like a football. Jesus tries to block, but Meph evades his tackle and dashes off into hell.)

REX
I didn't want to live forever. But somehow that's what happened.

JESUS' VOICE
We all make mistakes.
(Lisa sings more. Dancers enter. Jesus decides to join them in their dance.)

LISA (sings:)
Time is scarred with history.
Scars that will never heal.
But what do those scars reveal
About the battles we have fought.
About the lessons we have taught.
Upon this tapestry we've wrought.
(fading out:)
What does a dinosaur think
of his reflection in the sand?
(so quiet that she cannot be heard:)
What does Jesus Christ think
of his reflection in a man?

(Dancers dress Jesus like Rembrandt. He waves goodbye and exits with them.)
What does a dinosaur think?

What does a dinosaur think? ...etc.

REX (to himself:)
Where did we go wrong?

MARY
Maybe we didn't.
(Mary rises from her posture of mourning and dances a solo.)
(A pedestal rises out of the floor with a bowl of Cheerios. Mary takes two big handfuls and flings them into the air. And as they fall back to the ground, the sky is filled with Cheerios, like a snowstorm. Rex is amazed.)
(Mary scoops up the bowl of Cheerios, and offers it to Rex.)
(Rafael's voice over a megaphone: HOLD!)
(music stops. Mary and Rex freeze.)
(screen rises and lights snap up on Rafael in his studio, at the easel.)

RAFAEL
That's perfect.
(Rafael puts away his megaphone and starts painting, and as he paints, a backdrop of painted ribbons streams up from a point at the back of the stage, simultaneously forming a beautiful sunset, and a pastoral landscape behind the image of Mary and Rex. Beautiful music. The lights also change, and the other characters - dancers, Jack and Phil - find their places in the composition. Meph and Jesus flank the image, each cradling a baby Jesus in his arms.)

LEVEAUX
"The Portrait of the Virgin Mary Feeding the Dinosaurs", circa 1520. This little known work by one of the Early Renaissance Masters expresses an ironic reconciliation of science and theology during a period notorious for its religious intolerance, and other ethical recriminations. The P. of the V.M....
(eventually, he trails off.)
Perfect... perfect...


...perfect.

(When the stage picture is complete, the lights fade very very slowly. There is no movement except for Rafael, who continues to paint.)

Previous JeffNet / P.V.M.F.D. NEXT