2 times in 10 minutes at the 7-11 on 5th
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
(A small convenience store. The CLERK is counting out the money in the cash register. LOTTO LADY bursts into the store.)
Lotto: All right, I wanna play my numbers.
Clerk: You gotta wait.
Lotto: 13 — 22 — 23 — 46 — 66 — powerball 7
Clerk: You gotta wait till I finish counting my drawers. You know that.
Lotto: I’m not gonna miss my numbers ’cause you count too slow.
Clerk: I count fine. You’re gonna miss your numbers because you keep interrupting me.
Lotto: I play my same numbers every single day in this store. You can’t stop me.
Clerk: No one’s trying to stop you.
Lotto: I’ll go somewhere else.
Clerk: Then go somewhere else. You know I have to count out my drawers right now. We do this every day. (counting) 25, 26, 27, 28…
Lotto: It’s a conspiracy is what this is. You seen the news? $370 million dollar jackpot.
Clerk: Yeah, I seen the news. How is that a conspiracy?
Lotto: Because you don’t want to see me rich. You hate to see a girl get her own.
Clerk: That’s stupid.
Lotto: I could be playing my numbers right now if you wasn’t slow-countin’ me.
Clerk: Why would I want you not to win?
Lotto: Oh, you know why. I don’t have to tell you. You know why.
Clerk: Do you know what happens when somebody wins a big jackpot like that?
Lotto: No, but I aim to find out, as soon as you quit messin’ with me.
Clerk: The owner of the store that sold the winning ticket gets a percentage of the jackpot.
Lotto: How much percentage?
Clerk: I dunno, but if you won that $370 million, I’d be rich, too.
Lotto: You’re welcome.
Clerk: So I don’t wanna hear about how I don’t want you to win. The only conspiracy here is you keeping me from counting out my drawers so I can sell you your damn lottery ticket on time. (counting) 29, 30, 31, 32…
Lotto: (irritably) I’ll come back.
(SOCCER MOM walks in, as LOTTO LADY is walking out.)
Mom: Excuse me, hello. I wonder if you could help me?
Clerk: Not now, lady. You gotta wait in line.
(She looks around. There’s no line.)
Mom: What line?
Clerk: Look, I don’t have time for this while I’m trying to do math in my head. I gotta cash out these drawers now, for security reasons, so you’re gonna have to wait just like everybody else.
Mom: This won’t take a minute. I don’t want to buy anything.
Clerk: Well, if you’re not here to buy something, then you really gotta wait. Okay?
Mom: I don’t think you understand. I’m lost, I just need directions. I took a wrong exit off the freeway and I’m afraid I don’t know this area at all.
Clerk: And I’m afraid you don’t understand if I don’t change out the register like I’m supposed to before my wife comes in to work her shift in about 10 minutes, she’s gonna murder me in ways I don’t think you fully appreciate.
Mom: This is kind of an emergency. I’m supposed to pick up my daughter after soccer practice at six, but I took a wrong turn going to her new school, and this is not the right part of town at all.
Clerk: Well, if this is an emergency–
Mom: Oh, it is. It really is.
Clerk: Then you can dial 9-1-1 and get some real help. But if all you want is directions, you’re going to have to wait. (counting) 33, 34, 35, 36…
Mom: (feebly) Okay, I’ll wait.
(LOTTO LADY bursts in, cuts in front of SOCCER MOM.)
Lotto: All right, I wanna play my numbers. 13, 22, 23–
Mom: Excuse me–
Lotto: 46, 66, powerball 7.
Mom: I was told to wait in line.
Lotto: And I got about 2 minutes to get my numbers before I’m too late to win my $370 million, so you better not be thinkin’ about telling me how I gotta wait on you.
Mom: Sir–
Lotto: Don’t talk over me. He ain’t gonna help you. He gets a percentage if I win. That’s the law.
(CLERK comes back from putting the excess money in the safe.)
Clerk: All right, money’s in the safe. Twenty’s in the drawer. Can I help who’s next?
Mom: Look, I just need directions. I just want to go home.
Lotto: You gonna cut in front of me now? Did you see what she did? Do you see that?? It’s a conspiracy.
Mom: I just want to get out of here. I’m lost. I’m on the wrong side of town.
Lotto: Oh! I did not just hear you cut up in front of me and call my whole side of town "wrong".
Mom: I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.
Lotto: What’s wrong with it, huh?
Mom: Nothing, I’m sure it’s lovely.
Lotto: It ain’t lovely. It’s crap. But we don’t gotta stand for people like you comin’ in here, tearin’ it all down. Neighborhood’s got feelings, y’know.
Mom: I’m sorry, this is very upsetting. I am lost, and I am late. I just lost my job. And I’m freaking out.
Lotto: (to Clerk) You better stop her freakin’ out. I’ll take my business elsewhere. Don’t think I won’t.
Clerk: Free country. (handing her a lottery ticket) Here you go… 13, 22, 23, 46, 66, powerball 7.
Lotto: Hey, that’s my numbers!
Clerk: Yeah, I know. That’s your ticket. And next you’re gonna ask me to turn up the TV so you can watch the results at the end of the 5 o’clock news.
Lotto: Stay outta my head.
Clerk: That’ll be a dollar.
Lotto: (to Mom) Hey, lemme have a dollar.
Mom: Me?
Lotto: Oh, now you’re too good to help a friend in need?
Mom: You’re not my friend.
Lotto: You wanna be my enemy?
Mom: This is unbelievable.
Lotto: Now she don’t believe me.
Clerk: One of you better give me a dollar or its going in the trash.
Lotto: Lady!
Mom: (irritably handing over a dollar) Oh, here!
Clerk: There you go.
Mom: I can’t believe this. Is it my turn?
Lotto: Come on, turn up that TV! I gotta listen for my numbers on the news.
Mom: Don’t you have a home?
Lotto: You did not just talk about my home.
Clerk: Okay, it’s turned up. Next in line.
Mom: Yes, hello. I am having a very bad day–
(A ROBBER bursts into the store with a gun.)
Robber: All right, this is a stickup! Everybody be cool, nobody gets hurt.
Mom: Oh my God.
Clerk: Not again.
Mom: What do you mean, "again"?!
Lotto: Would y’all keep it down? Tryin’ to hear my news.
Robber: (to Clerk) You! Open up the register.
Clerk: You got the worst timing, buddy. There’s no money in the register.
Robber: That’s bullshit.
Clerk: I just changed out the drawers. It’s all in the safe.
Robber: Don’t make me shoot you!
Mom: (her hands in the air) It’s true. We saw him do it. Please, don’t shoot anybody.
Robber: There’s no money in the cash register?
Clerk: I’ve got twenty bucks in here. No, wait, twenty-one.
Robber: Aw crap. That’s not even worth stealing.
Lotto: Then don’t steal it. I’m tryin’ to hear my news.
Robber: All right, then open up the safe.
Clerk: I can’t.
Robber: You’re the owner, aren’t you?
Clerk: My wife’s the only one knows the combination. For security reasons.
Robber: What, she don’t trust you?
Clerk: You gonna break my balls now?
Robber: Nah, I’m just sayin’.
Clerk: So what’ll it be? You want the twenty bucks? Or how ’bout I give you some candy bars instead? Or a can of soda?
Lotto: I’ll have a soda. (goes to get a soda)
Clerk: Well…?
Robber: Hold on, don’t rush me, let me think.
Mom: (hands still up) Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
(A SECOND ROBBER bursts into the store.)
2nd: All right everybody, this is stick up. Nobody move. I’m serious!
Clerk: You gotta be kidding.
2nd: I’m not kidding!!
Lotto: You’re too late. We’re already being robbed.
2nd: What? When?
1st: Right now. I’m robbing the place already. You’re too late.
2nd: Aw, you’re kidding! You already emptied the cash register?
1st: Well… No.
Clerk: That’s what we’re trying to decide.
2nd: If there’s money in there, hand it over.
1st: No, it’s mine! I was here first.
2nd: Then why’s it still in there?
1st: Because it’s only twenty bucks.
Clerk: Twenty-one.
2nd: So? Twenty bucks is twenty bucks, give it to me.
1st: Use your head. There’s cameras all over these places. I don’t know about you, but I’m not gonna have my face all over the news for armed robbery if all I’m gonna get out of it is twenty dollars.
2nd: Aw crap, you’re right. That’s not even worth stealing.
(TV: "And tonight’s winning lottery numbers are…")
2nd: Hey, wait, I got an idea. What if you go ahead and rob the store, and then I rob you after? Then technically that’s not a crime, ’cause the money doesn’t belong to you anyway.
1st: So I get nothing? Why would I go along with that?
2nd: Because I’ve got a gun.
1st: We both got guns, moron.
2nd: Yeah, but you were here first.
1st: Hey, be my guest. You rob the store and then I’ll rob you.
2nd: Hell, no!
1st: See? Now you know how it feels.
Mom: Oh my God. This can’t be happening.
2nd: This sucks.
1st: All right, let me think.
(TV: "13 — 22 — 23 — 46 — 66 — And the powerball number is…")
Lotto: Oh my God…
(TV: "7")
Mom: Oh my God!
Clerk: You’re fucking kidding me.
1st: What?
Lotto: (hysterical) No, you’re kidding me! You’re kidding me!
Mom: Oh my God. That’s incredible. I mean, what are the odds?
2nd: Of what?
Clerk: (covering) Uh–of two people robbing the same store at the same time. This is one hell of a coincidence.
1st: You just figured that out?
Lotto: Three hundred seventy–
Clerk: Yeah, the odds must be…
Lotto: Three hundred seventy million!!
Mom: …to one.
Clerk: Yeah.
Mom: Something like that.
Lotto: (hyperventilating) Oh. My. God.
2nd: Why is she doing that? She’s making me nervous.
Clerk: Well, fellas, I tell you what: Here’s the twenty-one dollars. Why don’t you guys just take it outside and split it.
1st: Who gets the extra dollar?
Clerk: Why don’t you two figure that out?
2nd: No, no, no, he’s right. I’m not going down for twenty bucks.
Lotto: I can’t feel my legs.
Mom: I think she’s having a heart attack.
1st: Well, make her stop. You’re a nurse.
Mom: I’m not a nurse.
1st: You’re not??
Mom: Why would you say that?
2nd: Look at how you’re dressed.
Mom: What’s wrong with the way I’m dressed??
Clerk: Um, she’s not from around here.
2nd: Oh. Never mind.
Mom: What? What?!
Clerk: Okay, guys, here! (pulling out his wallet) I think I got a couple bucks in my wallet. It’s yours. And help yourself to a six-pack or a bag of chips on the way out. Whatever you like.
1st: Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of us?
Clerk: Why? Well, um…
Mom: (whispers) The robbery.
Clerk: I mean, obviously, because you are robbing my store. Of course. And that’s very bad for business. So if you could please take this money now, and I can get back to running my business. And maybe later tonight you can stop back and rob me again when I have more money! Or, actually, my wife will be in later, and she knows the combination to the safe. Yes! That sounds like a great idea.
1st: Hey, that’s it! We don’t have to just rob the cash register.
2nd: You want to steal the safe?
1st: No, the customers.
2nd: You want to steal the customers??
1st: No! We rob the customers! One of them’s gotta have some cash.
Clerk: No. Um… Don’t do that.
Lotto: They can’t have my money.
1st: See? I knew one of them was loaded. (to Mom) I kinda thought it would be you, though.
2nd: (to Lotto) All right, hand it over.
Lotto: They can’t have my money!
Clerk: Shut up. Look, leave her alone. She’s crazy. She doesn’t have any money. She just says things like that. (to Mom) Ain’t that right, lady?
Mom: That’s right. She’s completely broke. In fact, she had to borrow a dollar from me to buy a lott–
(CLERK and SOCCER MOM exchange frightened glances.)
Mom: –of feminine products.
2nd: Ugh!
Mom: Tampons, and feminine deodorant. Pregnancy test. Enema.
2nd: Never mind! I don’t wanna know!
Clerk: Look, just take the money. But leave the customers out of it. Especially the crazy ones.
1st: If she borrowed money for tampons, where are they?
Clerk: Where?
2nd: Don’t make her show you!
1st: No, I wanna see ’em. Something’s going on here. Everybody, turn out your pockets. Crazy first.
(SOCCER MOM finally snaps.)
Mom: All right, fine!! Yes, I have money. Here, take it! Take it all! You want more? I’ll write you a check. Look, there’s credit cards. Here’s my car keys. Just go!!
1st: Now we’re talkin’…
2nd: How come he gets the car? How am I supposed to get home?
Mom: (handing him house keys) Fine, here, you get the house. And you can give him a ride. Please, just leave us alone.
1st: This is the craziest robbery I’ve ever been in.
Mom: You think this is crazy? I’m just trying to pick up my daughter from soccer practice! I took one wrong turn, and I’m lost on the bad part of town. And I know you people don’t want to think it’s the bad part. But I don’t get robbed twice in 10 minutes where I come from! I’m not even supposed to be here, but I have to pick up my daughter at her new school. She doesn’t need a new school, but my husband and I just split up and now he wants to establish custody, so he’s got her in this place. But that’s not the worst part. I’m late to get her, because I lost my job, because the company’s going in another direction, and that direction is apparently away from the one where they pay me to do my shitty ass job. And they don’t have the decency to at least wait until after my custody hearings are over, so now my husband is going to get the kids, because I can’t support them and their tuition at the private school he picked out just to fuck with me. My daughter is waiting for me somewhere all by herself, but I don’t know where, and it’s getting late, and I’m not even on the right side of town, and if anything happens to her while you two are bickering about twenty dollars, his lawyers will make sure I never see her again, and it’s all because this asshole wouldn’t give me directions back to the freeway when I asked nicely, so now I’m here being robbed, not once, but twice in 10 minutes, which is actually, believe it or not, better than my real life right now, so maybe I should just stay here!!
(Everyone is stunned. SOCCER MOM angrily snatches the gun out of the FIRST ROBBER’s hand.)
1st: Hey!
Mom: Now, take my money and get out of here, or so help me I will do something I regret.
1st: She got my gun!
2nd: That’s ’cause you’re an idiot.
(FIRST ROBBER snatches the gun out of the SECOND ROBBER’s hand.)
2nd: Hey!
1st: Now who’s an idiot?
2nd: Give me that!
(FIRST ROBBER points gun at SECOND ROBBER to keep him at bay.)
1st: Now, look, Lady, I’m sorry about your kid. But you really don’t want to shoot nobody.
Mom: Don’t tempt me.
1st: Nobody’s tempting anybody. But, no offense, you don’t seem like the type.
Lotto: No, no, she is, she’s the type. She’s been crazy since she first walked in here.
Mom: Shut up!
Lotto: You see?
Mom: Okay… Maybe I’m not a killer…
1st: That’s what I like to hear.
Mom: But I did try to commit suicide in college.
2nd: What the–?
Mom: And I think I’ve still got what it takes to endanger my own life.
(SOCCER MOM puts the gun to her head.)
Clerk: Holy shit.
2nd: That’s messed up.
1st: Are you nuts? Why would you do that?
Lotto: I told you about her! I tried to warn you.
Mom: I am not having a good day.
1st: Put down that gun.
2nd: Don’t try to stop her! Go ahead, lady, do it. That solves one of our problems.
Clerk: Maybe for you. But if she shoots herself, that guy’s got big trouble.
1st: Why’s that?
Clerk: Are you kidding? If they find her dead in my store from the bullets in your gun. Ain’t no jury in the world gonna believe she stole it from you in the middle of a robbery and decided to shoot herself. She pulls that trigger, you’re going down for murder. Over a lousy twenty bucks.
Lotto: Twenty-one bucks! Ha!
2nd: Don’t listen to him. Let her shoot herself. I’ll be your witness.
1st: Who’s gonna believe you?!
2nd: Then give me the gun and I’ll do it.
1st: You shut up! And lady, just put the gun down. You don’t want to shoot yourself.
Mom: Are you sure? I told you about my day.
1st: I mean, it lady, give me the gun.
Mom: No! No!! You give me the gun. Or so help me, I will blow my brains all over this store.
1st: All right, calm down.
Mom: Give me the gun! Right now!
1st: Okay, here you go.
2nd: What are you doing?
(FIRST ROBBER hands her the gun, she puts them both to her head, and BOTH ROBBERS put their hands up.)
Mom: Now I want you both to close your eyes and count to ten. And when you open your eyes, I want you to leave. And don’t come back.
Clerk: (whispers) They don’t need to count to ten.
Mom: I want them to count to ten!!!
1st: All right, no problem!
2nd: Do we still get to keep the car?
Mom: Count!!!
1st & 2nd: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
(They both slowly open their eyes. And then bolt out of the store. CLERK and LOTTO LADY exchange stunned glances, and then…)
Clerk & Lotto: Yes! We won the lottery! Oh my God! We won! We won!
(They scream and hug each other.)
Lotto: Lady, I gotta give it up. You saved our asses.
Clerk: That was amazing. How can we ever thank you?
(With a crazed look in her eye, SOCCER MOM turns both guns on the two of them.)
Mom: I…want…two…million…dollars.
Lotto: What!? Man, I knew this was not my day.
Clerk: You’re going to rob us now???
Mom: No, you’re going to give me the money. As a reward. One million from you. And one million from you.
Clerk: One million each?! She’s got 370 million. I only get a percentage! That’s like half my money!
Mom: And I just about shot myself in the head because you wouldn’t give me directions back to the freeway. So you’re going to give me one million each. (to Clerk) And you’re going to give me directions. (to Lotto) And you’re going to give me back my dollar. Or I can call those two back in here, and give them their guns, and tell them where they can find $370 million in this place. Y’got that?
Lotto: Yeah! Yeah! No, don’t do that. We’re cool.
Clerk: You got a deal! Yes!
Mom: All right…
(She slowly lowers the weapons. All three exchange stunned glances, and then…)
Lotto & Clerk & Mom: Yeah! We won the lottery! Oh my God! We won! We won! We won!
(They scream and hug each other as the lights fade to black.)