Paris Time is a gratuitously topical prison scene originally written for Eva Brontosaurus's crime-themed fund-raiser Brontosaurus Behind Bars on June 4, 2007.

Paris Time
by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2007

(SCENE: Lynwood Regional Detention Center for the Criminally Famous. Two scary-looking prison dykes, MADGE and LOLANDA glare across a cell at each other.)

LOLANDA: What are you lookin’ at?

MADGE: Who wants to know?

LOLANDA: Don’t make me come over there and shiv you.

MADGE: Cheese it! Someone’s coming!

(They separate. Enter PARIS HILTON.)

MADGE: Well, well, well, looks like we got some new meat on the cell block.

PARIS: That’s hot.

LOLANDA: Welcome to the Lynwood Regional Detention Center for the Criminally Famous.

PARIS: I have to speak to the warden. I have a medical condition that makes me sensitive to certain kinds of chafing… and this toilet paper has buttons.

LOLANDA: That’s your uniform. You’re supposed to be wearing it.

PARIS: Oh, no, I could never wear this.

MADGE: Why not?

PARIS: It has a Kmart label. Anything less than Prada is strictly for wiping.

LOLANDA: Get used to it, blondie, this ain’t no boutique. It’s either those or go naked.

PARIS: Well, I’m used to naked.

LOLANDA: Suit yourself.

MADGE: So what are you in for?

PARIS: 22 and a half days.

LOLANDA: No, she means: Who did you kill-- Wait, 22 days??

PARIS: 22 and a half.

MADGE: That’s it?

LOLANDA: My God, 22 days! What are you, some kind of heiress?

PARIS: How did you know?

LOLANDA: Because nobody gets 22 days for murder any more. Not unless some judge got a payoff under the table, or a blowjob under the bench.

MADGE: Or both.

PARIS: (raising her hand) Guilty. But I didn’t kill anyone.

LOLANDA: You didn’t?

PARIS: No, it was a parking violation. Or driving. One or the other. I don’t remember.

MADGE: Then why did you give the judge a blowjob, if you weren’t trying to get a reduced sentence?

PARIS: Haven’t you ever wondered what they have under those robes?

MADGE: Not enough to put it in my mouth!

PARIS: Well, I guess I’m just naturally inquisitive. Besides, I did get a reduced sentence. I was originally in for 45 days, but they gave me time off for good behavior. And I haven’t even behaved yet!

LOLANDA: 45 days! Jesus Christ! For a parking violation?

PARIS: It might have been driving. I’m really too drunk to remember.

MADGE: You mean you were drunk at the time, or you’re drunk right now?

PARIS: Oh God! That’s too many questions! If I knew I was going to be tested on this, I would have taken the traffic school instead. Can I please just sit down for a minute. And can somebody bring me a Mai Tai?

LOLANDA: I hate to break it to you, princess, but this ain’t the Copa Cabana.

PARIS: Oh, I know. I requested the Copa, but that appeal was turned down, too.

MADGE: So you never done hard time before?

PARIS: Are you kidding? Try pretending to be Nicole Richie’s friend for a whole season. After 3 years of The Simple Life, I’m kinda looking forward to a cavity search.

LOLANDA: Now I know why you look familiar, you’re some kind of actress, aren’t you?

PARIS: I’m an actress, I’m a brand, I’m a lot of stuff.

LOLANDA: You’re a brand?

MADGE: Just who the heck are you?

PARIS: You don’t know? That’s adorable. I’m Paris.

LOLANDA: Like the city?

PARIS: Yes. You see, my mother wanted me to be named after the place where I was conceived–

MADGE: You’re named after Paris, Texas?

PARIS: No, the other one.

LOLANDA: Paris, Illinois?

MADGE: There’s a Paris in Illinois?

LOLANDA: Sure, they’ve got ‘em everywhere. Idaho, Kentucky, Missouri, Ohio. There’s two in Wisconsin.

MADGE: Your mother was a slut.

PARIS: Excuse me?! My mother is still very much alive.

MADGE: Sorry.

PARIS: And you didn’t let me finish. My mother wanted to name me after the place where I was conceived, but she was too wasted to remember it, so my father named me after the place that had the best seafood buffet instead.

LOLANDA: Paris, Illinois?

PARIS: No, the Paris Hilton. In Paris, Europe. He loved getting the crabs there.

MADGE: Wait a minute! Paris Hilton? I know you. You’re that cheap little whore that my ex-husbands masturbate to on the internet.

PARIS: I am not cheap!

MADGE: (To LOLANDA:) She’ll screw anything that moves.

PARIS: That’s not true! They have to hold still, or the action goes out of frame.

LOLANDA: Oh, I know who you’re talking about now. (To PARIS:) Y’know, you don’t look anything like your pictures.

PARIS: Oh, that’s because I’m wearing panties.

LOLANDA: No, seriously, I didn’t even recognize you. You’re like a different person in person.

PARIS: Well, the camera loves me.

LOLANDA: I guess so, because up close you look like a big ol’ drag queen, so that camera must want to fuck the shit out of you.

PARIS: What has that camera been telling you?!

MADGE: (Hands her some photos:) Picture’s worth a thousand words.

PARIS: Oh, my God, where did you get these?

MADGE: Came with the Viagra ads.

PARIS: (Flipping through the photos:) Oh! Oh. Oh my… Ooh. Mm. Uh huh. Yes. Oo! Oh. Oh God. I feel so degraded. This is just like the time those hackers broke into my website and stole all my personal information and live streaming sex videos, that I had hidden there. And plastered them all over the internet, after I specifically assumed they would not.

LOLANDA: You hid your sex tapes on a website?

PARIS: It’s called "hiding in plain sight". It’s the last place certain people would think to look.

LOLANDA: It’s the first place anyone would look.

PARIS: I don’t care if anyone sees it. I’m worried about my Mom and Dad. They would have thrown me out of the mansion if they knew about my porn career.

MADGE: Your parents got a problem with porn?

PARIS: No, but my Mom is a germaphobe, and if she saw those sex tapes, she would never be able to eat off any flat surface in the house.

LOLANDA: Well, you’re in the big house now, so that life is over.

MADGE: For the next 45 days.

LOLANDA: Yeah, for 45 days.

MADGE: After that you can go back.

LOLANDA: But, for now, that life is over.

PARIS: But I still get time off for good behavior, right?

MADGE: Oh, I don’t think you’re going to have time for any good behavior.

LOLANDA: Nasty behavior maybe.

MADGE: But not good.

PARIS: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

LOLANDA: Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean.

PARIS: No, I’m pretty slow.

MADGE: (To LOLANDA:) Yeah, haven’t you heard? She’s doing time for driving without a license, after being caught driving without a license, after being caught driving without a license, after being caught driving without a license. We may have to spell things out for her.

LOLANDA: Well, it’s like this, sweetie… (lasciviously) Have you ever made love to a woman?


MADGE: Have you ever made love to two women.


LOLANDA: How about two women and a broom handle?

PARIS: Yes. But not on video. That one was a live stage show.

MADGE: Midget?


LOLANDA: Garden hose?

PARIS: Uh huh.

MADGE: Underage boy?

PARIS: Sure.

LOLANDA: Household pets?

PARIS: Just the chihuahua.

LOLANDA: Ugh! You made love to a filthy animal?

PARIS: He has a name! It’s Tinkerbell Two, and he is not filthy. I have him dry-cleaned once a week.

MADGE: Tinkerbell Two? What happened to the first one?

PARIS: I gave him to my Mom.

LOLANDA: As a present?


MADGE: Did she need a Chihuahua?

PARIS: No, she needed a purse. And after you dry-clean them a couple times, they stop moving around and being all cute, so I had him made into a handbag. Which is totally cute.

LOLANDA: Ugh! That’s disgusting!

PARIS: Oh, no, Mom loves it. She calls him Tinkerpurse. If you feed him chocolate, he makes change.

MADGE: I don’t even know what that means.

LOLANDA: All right, obviously you’re going to be a tough nut to crack.

PARIS: I am not a nut! And I am not tough to crack. But if you lay one finger on my crack, I’m calling the guard. Guard!

MADGE: Oh, didn’t they tell you, sugar meat? I am the guard.

PARIS: Then I want to see the warden!

LOLANDA: And I’m the warden.

PARIS: Oh no… I thought you were my cell mates! Oh, I feel so betrayed. This is just like the time I found out Britney Spears was using me to establish her street cred. She never even thanked me for making her skanky.

MADGE: Some people got no manners. (belches)

PARIS: This is turning into my worst nightmare!

LOLANDA: And it’s gonna get a whole lot worse, ‘cause if you don’t get real cooperative real quick, we’re sending you to the hole.

PARIS: The hole?! No, not the hole!

MADGE: Yes, the hole!! Ha ha ha!

PARIS: Anything but that!

LOLANDA: Take her to the hole! Ha ha ha ha!

PARIS: Oh my God! Nobody told me Nicole was here, too!