by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
© 2007 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
(SCENE: Lynwood Regional Detention Center for the Criminally Famous. Two scary-looking prison dykes, MADGE and LOLANDA glare across a cell at each other.)
LOLANDA: What are you lookin at?
MADGE: Who wants to know?
LOLANDA: Dont make me come over there and shiv you.
MADGE: Cheese it! Someones coming!
(They separate. Enter PARIS HILTON.)
MADGE: Well, well, well, looks like we got some new meat on the cell block.
PARIS: Thats hot.
LOLANDA: Welcome to the Lynwood Regional Detention Center for the Criminally Famous.
PARIS: I have to speak to the warden. I have a medical condition that makes me sensitive to certain kinds of chafing and this toilet paper has buttons.
LOLANDA: Thats your uniform. Youre supposed to be wearing it.
PARIS: Oh, no, I could never wear this.
MADGE: Why not?
PARIS: It has a Kmart label. Anything less than Prada is strictly for wiping.
LOLANDA: Get used to it, blondie, this aint no boutique. Its either those or go naked.
PARIS: Well, Im used to naked.
LOLANDA: Suit yourself.
MADGE: So what are you in for?
PARIS: 22 and a half days.
LOLANDA: No, she means: Who did you kill-- Wait, 22 days??
PARIS: 22 and a half.
MADGE: Thats it?
LOLANDA: My God, 22 days! What are you, some kind of heiress?
PARIS: How did you know?
LOLANDA: Because nobody gets 22 days for murder any more. Not unless some judge got a payoff under the table, or a blowjob under the bench.
MADGE: Or both.
PARIS: (raising her hand) Guilty. But I didnt kill anyone.
LOLANDA: You didnt?
PARIS: No, it was a parking violation. Or driving. One or the other. I dont remember.
MADGE: Then why did you give the judge a blowjob, if you werent trying to get a reduced sentence?
PARIS: Havent you ever wondered what they have under those robes?
MADGE: Not enough to put it in my mouth!
PARIS: Well, I guess Im just naturally inquisitive. Besides, I did get a reduced sentence. I was originally in for 45 days, but they gave me time off for good behavior. And I havent even behaved yet!
LOLANDA: 45 days! Jesus Christ! For a parking violation?
PARIS: It might have been driving. Im really too drunk to remember.
MADGE: You mean you were drunk at the time, or youre drunk right now?
PARIS: Oh God! Thats too many questions! If I knew I was going to be tested on this, I would have taken the traffic school instead. Can I please just sit down for a minute. And can somebody bring me a Mai Tai?
LOLANDA: I hate to break it to you, princess, but this aint the Copa Cabana.
PARIS: Oh, I know. I requested the Copa, but that appeal was turned down, too.
MADGE: So you never done hard time before?
PARIS: Are you kidding? Try pretending to be Nicole Richies friend for a whole season. After 3 years of The Simple Life, Im kinda looking forward to a cavity search.
LOLANDA: Now I know why you look familiar, youre some kind of actress, arent you?
PARIS: Im an actress, Im a brand, Im a lot of stuff.
LOLANDA: Youre a brand?
MADGE: Just who the heck are you?
PARIS: You dont know? Thats adorable. Im Paris.
LOLANDA: Like the city?
PARIS: Yes. You see, my mother wanted me to be named after the place where I was conceived
MADGE: Youre named after Paris, Texas?
PARIS: No, the other one.
LOLANDA: Paris, Illinois?
MADGE: Theres a Paris in Illinois?
LOLANDA: Sure, theyve got em everywhere. Idaho, Kentucky, Missouri, Ohio. Theres two in Wisconsin.
MADGE: Your mother was a slut.
PARIS: Excuse me?! My mother is still very much alive.
PARIS: And you didnt let me finish. My mother wanted to name me after the place where I was conceived, but she was too wasted to remember it, so my father named me after the place that had the best seafood buffet instead.
LOLANDA: Paris, Illinois?
PARIS: No, the Paris Hilton. In Paris, Europe. He loved getting the crabs there.
MADGE: Wait a minute! Paris Hilton? I know you. Youre that cheap little whore that my ex-husbands masturbate to on the internet.
PARIS: I am not cheap!
MADGE: (To LOLANDA:) Shell screw anything that moves.
PARIS: Thats not true! They have to hold still, or the action goes out of frame.
LOLANDA: Oh, I know who youre talking about now. (To PARIS:) Yknow, you dont look anything like your pictures.
PARIS: Oh, thats because Im wearing panties.
LOLANDA: No, seriously, I didnt even recognize you. Youre like a different person in person.
PARIS: Well, the camera loves me.
LOLANDA: I guess so, because up close you look like a big ol drag queen, so that camera must want to fuck the shit out of you.
PARIS: What has that camera been telling you?!
MADGE: (Hands her some photos:) Pictures worth a thousand words.
PARIS: Oh, my God, where did you get these?
MADGE: Came with the Viagra ads.
PARIS: (Flipping through the photos:) Oh! Oh. Oh my Ooh. Mm. Uh huh. Yes. Oo! Oh. Oh God. I feel so degraded. This is just like the time those hackers broke into my website and stole all my personal information and live streaming sex videos, that I had hidden there. And plastered them all over the internet, after I specifically assumed they would not.
LOLANDA: You hid your sex tapes on a website?
PARIS: Its called "hiding in plain sight". Its the last place certain people would think to look.
LOLANDA: Its the first place anyone would look.
PARIS: I dont care if anyone sees it. Im worried about my Mom and Dad. They would have thrown me out of the mansion if they knew about my porn career.
MADGE: Your parents got a problem with porn?
PARIS: No, but my Mom is a germaphobe, and if she saw those sex tapes, she would never be able to eat off any flat surface in the house.
LOLANDA: Well, youre in the big house now, so that life is over.
MADGE: For the next 45 days.
LOLANDA: Yeah, for 45 days.
MADGE: After that you can go back.
LOLANDA: But, for now, that life is over.
PARIS: But I still get time off for good behavior, right?
MADGE: Oh, I dont think youre going to have time for any good behavior.
LOLANDA: Nasty behavior maybe.
MADGE: But not good.
PARIS: I dont know what youre talking about.
LOLANDA: Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean.
PARIS: No, Im pretty slow.
MADGE: (To LOLANDA:) Yeah, havent you heard? Shes doing time for driving without a license, after being caught driving without a license, after being caught driving without a license, after being caught driving without a license. We may have to spell things out for her.
LOLANDA: Well, its like this, sweetie (lasciviously) Have you ever made love to a woman?
MADGE: Have you ever made love to two women.
LOLANDA: How about two women and a broom handle?
PARIS: Yes. But not on video. That one was a live stage show.
LOLANDA: Garden hose?
PARIS: Uh huh.
MADGE: Underage boy?
LOLANDA: Household pets?
PARIS: Just the chihuahua.
LOLANDA: Ugh! You made love to a filthy animal?
PARIS: He has a name! Its Tinkerbell Two, and he is not filthy. I have him dry-cleaned once a week.
MADGE: Tinkerbell Two? What happened to the first one?
PARIS: I gave him to my Mom.
LOLANDA: As a present?
MADGE: Did she need a Chihuahua?
PARIS: No, she needed a purse. And after you dry-clean them a couple times, they stop moving around and being all cute, so I had him made into a handbag. Which is totally cute.
LOLANDA: Ugh! Thats disgusting!
PARIS: Oh, no, Mom loves it. She calls him Tinkerpurse. If you feed him chocolate, he makes change.
MADGE: I dont even know what that means.
LOLANDA: All right, obviously youre going to be a tough nut to crack.
PARIS: I am not a nut! And I am not tough to crack. But if you lay one finger on my crack, Im calling the guard. Guard!
MADGE: Oh, didnt they tell you, sugar meat? I am the guard.
PARIS: Then I want to see the warden!
LOLANDA: And Im the warden.
PARIS: Oh no I thought you were my cell mates! Oh, I feel so betrayed. This is just like the time I found out Britney Spears was using me to establish her street cred. She never even thanked me for making her skanky.
MADGE: Some people got no manners. (belches)
PARIS: This is turning into my worst nightmare!
LOLANDA: And its gonna get a whole lot worse, cause if you dont get real cooperative real quick, were sending you to the hole.
PARIS: The hole?! No, not the hole!
MADGE: Yes, the hole!! Ha ha ha!
PARIS: Anything but that!
LOLANDA: Take her to the hole! Ha ha ha ha!
PARIS: Oh my God! Nobody told me Nicole was here, too!