Paris Time II is a gratuitously topical scene originally written for Eva Brontosaurus.

Paris Time II: Girls Night In
by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2007

(LINDSAY’S APARTMENT. LINDSAY welcomes in BRITNEY and PARIS. LINDSAY looks older. BRITNEY looks a mess. PARIS looks exactly the same.)

PARIS: Lindsay! Hi!

LINDSAY: Paris! Britney! Come in! It’s so good to see you!

PARIS: Lindsay, you look amazing.

LINDSAY: Thanks! So do you!

PARIS: I know, I found this great surgeon. (to Britney) You should give her a call.

LINDSAY: (to Britney) You really should, Brit.

BRITNEY: It’s been so long since you had us over.

PARIS: Yeah, what’s it been, like, eight months?

LINDSAY: It’s been fifteen years, Paris.

BRITNEY: We thought you were mad at us.

LINDSAY: You know I can never stay mad at you guys.

PARIS: You haven’t invited us to your place in 15 years?

LINDSAY: It would have been sooner, but we had to wait for you to get parole.

BRITNEY: What’s that smell?

PARIS: Oh, that’s my new fragrance. It’s called Bukkake.

BRITNEY: Ooh! Sounds French.

PARIS: It is. It’s Asian. It’s kind of revolutionary. You don’t wear it, you gargle it, so it never stains your dress.

BRITNEY: That’s great.

LINDSAY: What’s wrong, Britney? You look so glum?

BRITNEY: I’m not glum, I’m just not wearing makeup.


PARIS: (sotto voce to Lindsay) She lost custody of her kids again.


BRITNEY: You got anything sharp? Like a razor? Or some scissors?

LINDSAY: There’s Jack Daniels in the medicine cabinet.

BRITNEY: That’ll do.

LINDSAY: (sotto voce to Paris) Why didn’t you tell me?

BRITNEY: I love your place.

LINDSAY: Oh, thank you.

PARIS: Yeah, it’s adorable.

BRITNEY: What’s your rent like?

LINDSAY: Eight hundred a month, can you believe it?

BRITNEY: I should get a place like this for the boys.

PARIS: You pay eight hundred thousand dollars for a two-bedroom efficiency?

BRITNEY: No, eight hundred regular dollars, Paris.

PARIS: What are those?

BRITNEY: Like what regular people use to pay for things they want.

PARIS: Oh, eight hundred G-string dollars. I guess that’s not bad. I should get one of these for my dog.

LINDSAY: And it’s not a two-bedroom. This is the garage.

BRITNEY: Why’s there a bed in it?

LINDSAY: I have to sleep out here, cuz we’re shooting in the bedroom.

BRITNEY: Oh. But there’s a bed in there, too.

LINDSAY: Well, yes, but we have to keep the sheets clean.

PARIS: It’s so great to see you guys. Not literally, cuz you’re tough to look at, Brit.

LINDSAY: Seriously, Brit.

PARIS: When’s the last time we all three got together like this?

BRITNEY: Probably that time we were all in detox together.

LINDSAY: Oh my God! Worst day of my life.

BRITNEY: Same here. Worst day ever.

LINDSAY: 24 hours of pure hell.

PARIS: I had fun.

LINDSAY: That’s cuz you were on painkillers the whole time.

PARIS: Nobody told me to stop.

LINDSAY: Yeah, they did. They kept saying it over and over. "Stop, Paris, stop! What you’re doing? Put those pills down! Stop it! You’re out of control, Paris."

PARIS: Oh, please. I hear that every time I go to a club. You guys didn’t take them seriously, did you? I thought it was a rave. Way better than prison.

LINDSAY: Why were we even in detox that time? Do you remember?

PARIS: I thought they said "botox".

LINDSAY: I mean seriously, I’m blanking. The last thing I remember, I was shooting a scene for The Parent Trap, and then I woke up at Promises with two Golden Globes and an Oscar.

BRITNEY: I thought Jane Fonda was gonna kill you.

LINDSAY: She has to find me first. Oh, that’s why I was there. It was the last place anybody would look.

BRITNEY: I’ll tell you why I was there. Activist judges!

PARIS: Here we go again.

BRITNEY: I got stopped for speeding without a license, with crack cocaine, without a seatbelt, one time–

PARIS: You have to wear a seat belt? I want some crack.

BRITNEY: And the judge tried to make out like it was three strikes. First, I was barely speeding. Second, I had just lost my license that day. Third, reckless driving? Why? Because my view was obstructed?

LINDSAY: Yeah, didn’t they find a stroller on the hood of your car?

PARIS: And wasn’t Jaden in it?

BRITNEY: Yes, but that’s reckless parenting. I was driving in a straight line.

PARIS: So, fourth, child endangerment.

BRITNEY: And child endangerment again because of some bullshit about Preston’s car seat being improper.

LINDSAY: It was in the trunk.

BRITNEY: So that’s what? Four and a half? Three strikes shouldn’t even apply.

LINDSAY: Well, Jaden’s lucky that cop stopped you before you went through the carwash.

BRITNEY: Lucky! They had to go back to unsupervised visits with KFed after that! You think any child wants to be taken away from his Mommy who loves him, and be given to a complete stranger?

LINDSAY: He’s their father.

BRITNEY: There’s no proof of that!

PARIS: What about you, Lindsay? You’re making another movie?

LINDSAY: It’s going to be amazing.

BRITNEY: Wait, aren’t there restraining orders to keep you at least 500 feet away from any major film studio?

PARIS: Because of the time you got drunk and chased your publicist all over the studio parking lot–

LINDSAY: She started it.

BRITNEY: Yeah, but she was on foot. You were in an SUV.

LINDSAY: No, I was in heels. So I had to get in my SUV just to keep up with her.

PARIS: That’s understandable.

LINDSAY: She’s lucky I didn’t run her over.

BRITNEY: Oh, total luck. I saw the news video. You shoulda had her.

PARIS: But then you did run over those three old ladies who were there for the Golden Girls reunion.

LINDSAY: And it turned out one of them was dating Ashton Kutcher, so he got them to throw the book at me. Asshole. Three hours community service. 45 minutes in county prison. Just the lobby. I didn’t do hard time like you, Paris.

PARIS: Better not. My lawyers’d be all over you. Trademark infringment.

BRITNEY: All the studios were saying you’d never work in this town again.

LINDSAY: Yeah, well that’s why I’m shooting in my apartment. Indie films are where it’s at nowadays anyways.

BRITNEY: That’s true. Ever since Slumdancedance Fringe Fringe Fringe became the new Slumdance Fringe Fringe.

LINDSAY: This is going to be my big comeback.

PARIS: Oh my God, so now you’re a producer? I so want to sleep with you right now.

BRITNEY: Wait, if you’re a producer, how come I haven’t slept with you already?

LINDSAY: You did, Britney. Remember, we shot that girl/girl scene on Tuesday? You kept calling me "Paris".

PARIS: That’s hot.

BRITNEY: Really? Was I any good?

LINDSAY: Why do you think we had to clean the sheets?

PARIS: So it’s a porn film.

BRITNEY: Oh, Lindsay, congratulations!

PARIS: I knew you’d come back to us.

BRITNEY: I’m so proud of you.

LINDSAY: I knew you girls would understand.

BRITNEY: Welcome home.

PARIS: We missed you, girl.

BRITNEY: So what’s the film?

LINDSAY: It’s about a washed-up teen actress who pimps herself out on craigslist and becomes the world’s most powerful cyber whore.

BRITNEY: That sounds great.

LINDSAY: It’s called "The Lindsay Lohan Story".

PARIS: Oh, that’s perfect.

BRITNEY: You’re gonna be awesome.

LINDSAY: I missed you so much.