Paris Time II: Girls Night In
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
© 2008 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
(LINDSAYS APARTMENT. LINDSAY welcomes in BRITNEY and PARIS. LINDSAY looks older. BRITNEY looks a mess. PARIS looks exactly the same.)
PARIS: Lindsay! Hi!
LINDSAY: Paris! Britney! Come in! Its so good to see you!
PARIS: Lindsay, you look amazing.
LINDSAY: Thanks! So do you!
PARIS: I know, I found this great surgeon. (to Britney) You should give her a call.
LINDSAY: (to Britney) You really should, Brit.
BRITNEY: Its been so long since you had us over.
PARIS: Yeah, whats it been, like, eight months?
LINDSAY: Its been fifteen years, Paris.
BRITNEY: We thought you were mad at us.
LINDSAY: You know I can never stay mad at you guys.
PARIS: You havent invited us to your place in 15 years?
LINDSAY: It would have been sooner, but we had to wait for you to get parole.
BRITNEY: Whats that smell?
PARIS: Oh, thats my new fragrance. Its called Bukkake.
BRITNEY: Ooh! Sounds French.
PARIS: It is. Its Asian. Its kind of revolutionary. You dont wear it, you gargle it, so it never stains your dress.
BRITNEY: Thats great.
LINDSAY: Whats wrong, Britney? You look so glum?
BRITNEY: Im not glum, Im just not wearing makeup.
PARIS: (sotto voce to Lindsay) She lost custody of her kids again.
BRITNEY: You got anything sharp? Like a razor? Or some scissors?
LINDSAY: Theres Jack Daniels in the medicine cabinet.
BRITNEY: Thatll do.
LINDSAY: (sotto voce to Paris) Why didnt you tell me?
BRITNEY: I love your place.
LINDSAY: Oh, thank you.
PARIS: Yeah, its adorable.
BRITNEY: Whats your rent like?
LINDSAY: Eight hundred a month, can you believe it?
BRITNEY: I should get a place like this for the boys.
PARIS: You pay eight hundred thousand dollars for a two-bedroom efficiency?
BRITNEY: No, eight hundred regular dollars, Paris.
PARIS: What are those?
BRITNEY: Like what regular people use to pay for things they want.
PARIS: Oh, eight hundred G-string dollars. I guess thats not bad. I should get one of these for my dog.
LINDSAY: And its not a two-bedroom. This is the garage.
BRITNEY: Whys there a bed in it?
LINDSAY: I have to sleep out here, cuz were shooting in the bedroom.
BRITNEY: Oh. But theres a bed in there, too.
LINDSAY: Well, yes, but we have to keep the sheets clean.
PARIS: Its so great to see you guys. Not literally, cuz youre tough to look at, Brit.
LINDSAY: Seriously, Brit.
PARIS: Whens the last time we all three got together like this?
BRITNEY: Probably that time we were all in detox together.
LINDSAY: Oh my God! Worst day of my life.
BRITNEY: Same here. Worst day ever.
LINDSAY: 24 hours of pure hell.
PARIS: I had fun.
LINDSAY: Thats cuz you were on painkillers the whole time.
PARIS: Nobody told me to stop.
LINDSAY: Yeah, they did. They kept saying it over and over. "Stop, Paris, stop! What youre doing? Put those pills down! Stop it! Youre out of control, Paris."
PARIS: Oh, please. I hear that every time I go to a club. You guys didnt take them seriously, did you? I thought it was a rave. Way better than prison.
LINDSAY: Why were we even in detox that time? Do you remember?
PARIS: I thought they said "botox".
LINDSAY: I mean seriously, Im blanking. The last thing I remember, I was shooting a scene for The Parent Trap, and then I woke up at Promises with two Golden Globes and an Oscar.
BRITNEY: I thought Jane Fonda was gonna kill you.
LINDSAY: She has to find me first. Oh, thats why I was there. It was the last place anybody would look.
BRITNEY: Ill tell you why I was there. Activist judges!
PARIS: Here we go again.
BRITNEY: I got stopped for speeding without a license, with crack cocaine, without a seatbelt, one time
PARIS: You have to wear a seat belt? I want some crack.
BRITNEY: And the judge tried to make out like it was three strikes. First, I was barely speeding. Second, I had just lost my license that day. Third, reckless driving? Why? Because my view was obstructed?
LINDSAY: Yeah, didnt they find a stroller on the hood of your car?
PARIS: And wasnt Jaden in it?
BRITNEY: Yes, but thats reckless parenting. I was driving in a straight line.
PARIS: So, fourth, child endangerment.
BRITNEY: And child endangerment again because of some bullshit about Prestons car seat being improper.
LINDSAY: It was in the trunk.
BRITNEY: So thats what? Four and a half? Three strikes shouldnt even apply.
LINDSAY: Well, Jadens lucky that cop stopped you before you went through the carwash.
BRITNEY: Lucky! They had to go back to unsupervised visits with KFed after that! You think any child wants to be taken away from his Mommy who loves him, and be given to a complete stranger?
LINDSAY: Hes their father.
BRITNEY: Theres no proof of that!
PARIS: What about you, Lindsay? Youre making another movie?
LINDSAY: Its going to be amazing.
BRITNEY: Wait, arent there restraining orders to keep you at least 500 feet away from any major film studio?
PARIS: Because of the time you got drunk and chased your publicist all over the studio parking lot
LINDSAY: She started it.
BRITNEY: Yeah, but she was on foot. You were in an SUV.
LINDSAY: No, I was in heels. So I had to get in my SUV just to keep up with her.
PARIS: Thats understandable.
LINDSAY: Shes lucky I didnt run her over.
BRITNEY: Oh, total luck. I saw the news video. You shoulda had her.
PARIS: But then you did run over those three old ladies who were there for the Golden Girls reunion.
LINDSAY: And it turned out one of them was dating Ashton Kutcher, so he got them to throw the book at me. Asshole. Three hours community service. 45 minutes in county prison. Just the lobby. I didnt do hard time like you, Paris.
PARIS: Better not. My lawyersd be all over you. Trademark infringment.
BRITNEY: All the studios were saying youd never work in this town again.
LINDSAY: Yeah, well thats why Im shooting in my apartment. Indie films are where its at nowadays anyways.
BRITNEY: Thats true. Ever since Slumdancedance Fringe Fringe Fringe became the new Slumdance Fringe Fringe.
LINDSAY: This is going to be my big comeback.
PARIS: Oh my God, so now youre a producer? I so want to sleep with you right now.
BRITNEY: Wait, if youre a producer, how come I havent slept with you already?
LINDSAY: You did, Britney. Remember, we shot that girl/girl scene on Tuesday? You kept calling me "Paris".
PARIS: Thats hot.
BRITNEY: Really? Was I any good?
LINDSAY: Why do you think we had to clean the sheets?
PARIS: So its a porn film.
BRITNEY: Oh, Lindsay, congratulations!
PARIS: I knew youd come back to us.
BRITNEY: Im so proud of you.
LINDSAY: I knew you girls would understand.
BRITNEY: Welcome home.
PARIS: We missed you, girl.
BRITNEY: So whats the film?
LINDSAY: Its about a washed-up teen actress who pimps herself out on craigslist and becomes the worlds most powerful cyber whore.
BRITNEY: That sounds great.
LINDSAY: Its called "The Lindsay Lohan Story".
PARIS: Oh, thats perfect.
BRITNEY: Youre gonna be awesome.
LINDSAY: I missed you so much.