Eat your Cheerios, Jesus
by Jeff Goode
THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT.
(lights up on Mary and Jesus at the breakfast table. Jesus playing with his
Eat your Cheerios, Jesus.
Did you clean your room?
I'm going to be worshipped someday too, you know. A warped sect of Romans is going to pray
to me for favors from God.
And you know what I'm going to say?
"You want me to pull strings for you? I couldn't even get him to eat his Cheerios. I couldn't get
him to clean his room. Don't talk to me about intercession."
"Jesus", I said "Don't talk back to the Romans, you'll get yourself killed---" JESUS
(completely taken aback:) What!!
What does he do?
"They'll crucify you," I said. Does it do any good? No, it doesn't do any good.
"Jesus," I said, "stay away from that Judas boy, he's no good---"
What does he do?
"He's no good", I said. Does he listen? No!
(Jesus, stunned, just stares at her)
What are you looking at?
Mother, how do you know these things? Is this a prophecy?
Son, history puts words in your mouth.
Look, who said, "I cannot tell a lie"?JESUS
WRONG! George Washington's biographer said, "I cannot tell a lie." George
Washington never said it. He never chopped down a cherry tree. He lied to his father
all the time. But history likes a good story, and now the cherry tree is just as
real as his wooden teeth.
(Jesus digests this idea)
You wanna hear a prophecy?
What if I told you that 2000 years from now an overweight woman who looks nothing like me, in
a dress I wouldn't be caught dead in, will sit in front of thirty1 morons, claiming to
be me, ranting and spouting language that would make me spin in my grave, that would make me
blush to hear it - IF I understood English, which I don't.
And what if I said she'll do this:
(she does something uncharacteristic)
(does something else)
And what if I said she'd do this:
(does a handspring)
And what if I told you her name was...
(she grabs a program out of the audience and reads the name of the actor
You'd say it was preposterous!
(points at audience:) They'll say it was prophecy!
"That Virgin Mary," they'll say, "what a woman! I used to think she was milk toast, but now
I have new insight! Now I understand her a little better! Now, after seeing this travesty, I think I
like her! She had spunk. And what a visionary! Her prophecies were so accurate! Down to the
letter! Did you know she predicted the crucifixion?"JESUS
(flabbergasted:) I - I don't know what to say.
Then shut up and eat your Cheerios.
1size of the audience
READING ROOM /
Rights & Royalties]