Turf Pirates by Jeff Goode

Turf Pirates is a stage combat scenario for two pirate crews and no boat which was originally performed at the Renaissance Festival of Kansas City.

TURF PIRATES

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 1995

TURF PIRATES BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR. (A dusty road. Cap'n Buck enters.)

Cap'n Buck
Ah, the pirate's life for me! Looting and pillaging.
Taking what you want. And wanting what you can't have.
Living off the ocean's bounty.

(The first mate, Mister Creed, enters carrying a load of pirate luggage. He also leads in a prisoner, Peg, bound and gagged, with a bag over his head.)

Peg
mmph!

Mister Creed
Shut up!

Peg
mmph?

Mister Creed
You're being shanghaied, that's what.

Peg
mmph?

Mister Creed
Shanghaied. It means we kidnapped you and we aren't letting you go until we've boarded our ship and put out to sea. And then you'll have to either pitch in with the rest of the crew, or we throw you to the sharks. Arr!

Cap'n Buck
We've found it's an effective means of recruiting.

Mister Creed
Not so good for morale, though. Half the crew jumps ship every time we hit port.

Cap'n Buck
I think you'll like the pirate's life, though. Wine and women.
Well, not so many women, really. But wine.
Well, not wine. More like rum actually. Well, actually, more like grog.

Mister Creed
That's the pirate's life: Grog, and no women.

(Cap'n Buck takes out a telescope and scans the horizon)

Cap'n Buck
Great Neptune's beard! Mister Creed...

Mister Creed
What is it, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
Where's the ship???

Mister Creed
The ship?

(Mister Creed takes out his telescope, and also scans the horizon.)
That's strange.
(Then he starts looking around nearby, still using the telescope.)
I could have sworn this was where we left it.
It was right next to this bush.
(looking out again:)
I don't even see the ocean.

Cap'n Buck
This is your fault. I told you to remember where we docked.

Mister Creed
(taking out a map:)
Where's my map? Seven paces to the left, three paces to the right...

Cap'n Buck
You know I hate it when you pace.
(Mister Creed stops pacing.)
How am I going to explain this to the crew?

Mister Creed
(spying something with his telescope:)
Erk! Captain!

Cap'n Buck
What is it, Mister Creed?

Mister Creed
We're being watched!

Cap'n Buck
(also looking:)
Poseidon's pancreas, so we are!

Mister Creed
What do you make of it, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
(figuring it out:)
These must be the brigands who hijacked our ship.

(He approaches the audience.)
(commandingly:)
What have you done with our ship?
(less commandingly:)
And with the ocean?
(No response.)

A cagey crew.

Mister Creed
What do we do now, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
What would any pirate do in this situation!

Mister Creed
Take prisoners!

Cap'n Buck
Take prisoners!

(to the audience:)
Alright, we're taking you all prisoner.
Nobody leaves until I get some answers.

Mister Creed
Brilliant stratagem, Cap'n. You've turned the tables on these marauders. Arr!

Cap'n Buck
Thank you, Mister Creed.

Mister Creed
Shall I clap 'em in irons, sir?

Cap'n Buck
Clap 'em in irons, Mister Creed!

Mister Creed
The irons are on the ship.

Cap'n Buck
(glares at Creed:)
Never mind then.

(turning to the audience:)
So, it looks like the peg is on the other leg now.
Either you tell me where you've stowed my ship, or everyone of you is going straight to the brig.
(remembers he doesn't have a brig:)
Eventually. After I... find my brig.

Mister Creed
(aside to Cap'n Buck:)
Have they cracked yet, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
They're a tough lot. But I have not yet begun to intimidate.
(to audience:)
Now, hand over my ship, before I get nasty!

Mister Creed
Cap'n, you're already nasty.

Cap'n Buck
So I am. Well, hand over my ship before... before I get...
Hand over my ship, or else.

Mister Creed
Or else, what, sir?
(Cap'n Buck glares at him.)

Cap'n Buck
(to the audience:)
Or else, I will personally flog the lot of you. Arr!

Mister Creed
Arr!
(to the audience:)
One at a time, of course.

Cap'n Buck
One at a time?

Mister Creed
Yes.

Cap'n Buck
Why one at a time?

Mister Creed
Well, if you don't mind my saying, I think if you tried to flog them all at once, these people would kick your... aft, Cap'n.

Cap'n Buck
You really know how to take the wind out of a man's sails, don't you Mister Creed?

Mister Creed
(with great pride:)
Yes, I do, sir!
(Cap'n Buck glares at Creed.)
Oh, you mean that figuratively, don't you, Cap'n?
I mean, no, sir. I mean, yes, sir, I do, but no, sir I don't... I won't... If the wind... If your sails fill up with wind, I will just let you billow sir. From now on.

Cap'n Buck
See that you do.
(goes back to the audience:)
All right, you asked for it.

(Ferociously, Cap'n Buck draws a sword.)

Mister Creed
(screams:)
Agh! Look out, he's got a cutlass!

Cap'n Buck
(brandishing his blade:)
Arr!
Wait a minute. This isn't my cutlass.

Mister Creed
It's not? It looks like your cutlass.

Cap'n Buck
This is my old cutlass, I want the new one. The fancy one.

Mister Creed
The cutlass supreme? I think you left it on the ship.

Cap'n Buck
On the ship? Are you positive?

Mister Creed
No, I'm negative, thank God.
(They both realized they've digressed.)

Mister Creed
Ahem.

Cap'n Buck
But that's a story for another time.
(back to the audience:)
Now I'm through messing around with you... you... land lubbers.

Mister Creed
Good one, Cap'n.

Cap'n Buck
Don't interrupt me.

Mister Creed
Sorry, Captain.

Cap'n Buck
(to audience:)
I wasn't going to do this, but you leave me no choice.

Cap'n Buck
(to Creed:)
Stand back, I'm going to swashbuckle.

(He does.)
Now if you don't tell me where I can find my ship, you're all gonna get a taste of my cutlass.

Mister Creed
Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
What now?

Mister Creed
Just what does a cutlass taste like?

Cap'n Buck
I'm glad you asked. It tastes like this.

(Cap'n Buck attacks.)
And this.
And they'll get a taste of this.
(attacks Creed some more.)
And a taste of this.
And a whole mouthful of this.
(punches Mister Creed in the mouth.)
And for dessert:
(runs him through)
(to audience:)
Arr! I'm so bloodthirsty my own crew isn't safe.
(gestures to indicate Creed, who is standing there with a foolish grin and a sword sticking out of him.)
(Suddenly realizing that he was supposed to feign death, Creed drops dead.)
(Cap'n Buck crosses to the body, glares down at him.)

Mister Creed
I didn't know you were going to kill me.

Cap'n Buck
Well, it doesn't do any good to die now.

(Creed gets up, dusts himself off.)

Cap'n Buck
All right, I was saving this as a last resort, but...

Mister Creed
What are you gonna do, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
The penultimate pirate persuasion.

Mister Creed
You mean...?

Cap'n Buck
That's right, the most fearsome form of torture in a buccaneer's boudoir--- I mean, repertoire.

Mister Creed
Swinging from a yardarm?

Cap'n Buck
Worse than swinging from a yardarm.

Mister Creed
Keelhauling?

Cap'n Buck
Worse than keelhauling.

Mister Creed
Food from the galley?

Cap'n Buck
Better than food from the galley.

Mister Creed
Oh no! You don't mean...?

Cap'n Buck
Oh yes.

Cap'n Buck & Mister Creed
WALKING THE PLANK!!

(maniacal laugh:)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Cap'n Buck
Wait, what am I thinking, we don't have a plank.

Mister Creed
I got one!

(Creed goes to get it.)
I always carry a spare... just in case
(Creed comes back with his plank.)

Cap'n Buck & Mister Creed

(maniacal laugh:)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(They set the plank on the ground.)

Cap'n Buck
(to the audience:)
Since you won't cooperate, somebody's going walk the plank.

(picks a child out of the audience:)
Come up here, lad.
(stands him at one end of the plank:)
Stand right here.
Don't worry, you have no reason to be frightened.
(viciously:)
But your mother does!
(picking the child's mother out of the audience:)
Are you the lad's mother?
Come up here.
(She does.)
You've never been this close to a pirate, have you, lass?
(places her near the plank so she can witness her child's execution.)
Stand there.
Look at the little cherub. It's too bad, really.
(to the child:)
Would you care for a blindfold?
Cigarette?
(to the mother:)
I'll give you one last chance. Tell me where my ship is, or your boy walks the plank.
(No response.)
All right, lad. Walk! Ha ha ha ha ha!
(The child walks the plank. It is a singularly unimpressive spectacle.)
(Cap'n Buck and Mister Creed look at the mother. She seems unshaken by the ordeal.)

Mister Creed
That's strange, the plank always works.

Cap'n Buck
(taking him aside, panicked:)
Mister Creed!

Mister Creed
Yes, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
I think we have a crisis on our hands.
These people have hearts of flint.
We need a plan. Call up the rest of the crew.

Mister Creed
(runs around screaming:)
All hands on deck! All hands on deck!

(Nobody comes.)
It looks like we're all that's left.

Cap'n Buck
The entire crew has abandoned ship???

Mister Creed
No, the entire crew is on the ship.

Cap'n Buck
Argh. So, it's just you and me?

Mister Creed
Well, and the new recruit.

(They look at the new recruit, still bound and gagged.)

Cap'n Buck
All right, untie him.

Mister Creed
We can't do that, Cap'n! You know we never untie them until we're at least seven leagues out to sea.

Cap'n Buck
Why not?

Mister Creed
They always try to run away.

Cap'n Buck
Oh, that's right.
But I'm afraid we're going to need all the help we can get.

Mister Creed
Hmm.
I have an idea, Cap'n.

(He brings the prisoner forward.)
Arr, ya scurvy bilge rat, do ye know where ye are?
(Peg shakes head "No".)
Yer on board the pirate ship Jolly Roger...
(Cap'n Buck starts making ocean noises.)
...which put out to sea two hours ago.

Peg
mmph!

Mister Creed
Now, we could just leave you tied up and throw ya in the brig until we get to Bombay or some other plague-ridden Polynesian port...

(pause for effect)
Or we could strike a bargain.

Peg
mmph!

Mister Creed
Well, if we untie you and take off your blindfold, will you promise to join our crew and be a pirate for the rest of your life?

(Peg nods "Yes".)

Mister Creed
Even if later it turns out that for some reason you're not on a ship at all, and it was all just a trick?

(Peg nods "Yes".)

Mister Creed
You promise?

(Peg nods "Yes")
(They take off the hood.)
All right, it was a trick, welcome aboard.

Peg
Arr, ya tricked me!

Cap'n Buck
(suddenly noticing something very peculiar:)
Hold it, there, Mister Creed.

Mister Creed
What is it, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
Do you notice anything strange about this pirate?

(They look at Peg. She is a woman with a big fake moustache.)

Mister Creed
No.

Cap'n Buck
(relieved:)
Okay. Welcome aboard, mate! What's your name?

Peg
Peggy.

(They give her a sharp look.)

Cap'n Buck
Did you say, Peggy?

Peg
I mean, Pegleg.

Cap'n Buck
(horrified:)
You're a woman!

Peg
(affecting a deep voice:)
No, I'm not.

Cap'n Buck
Yes, you are.

Peg
No, I'm not.

Cap'n Buck
You said your name was Peggy.

Peg
No, it's Peg-leg, slip-of-the-tongue.

Mister Creed
Where's your peg leg, then?

Peg
I lost it in a fishing accident.

Cap'n Buck
(considers, but then:)
You're a woman and you know it!

Peg
No, really.

Mister Creed
If you're not a woman,

(gives Cap'n a wink.)
then say something manly.
(Cap'n Buck and Mister Creed watch Peg intently.)
(She punches Mister Creed.)

Mister Creed
(from the ground:)
She's a man, all right.
Sorry about the confusion. No offense.

Peg
None taken.

Cap'n Buck
You sure you're a man?

Peg
Yup.

Cap'n Buck
(suddenly:)
You must think we're pretty stupid.

(aside to the audience:)
And not a word out of you.

Peg
Well...

Cap'n Buck
Well, we're not that stupid.

Mister Creed
(bewildered:)
What's wrong, Captain?

Cap'n Buck
This man is a woman!

Mister Creed
(appalled:)
No! Peggy, is it true?

(For a moment she doesn't say anything, but then she breaks down.)

Peg
Please don't kill me.

Cap'n Buck
We're not going to kill you. Go on, get out of here.

Peg
I can go?

Cap'n Buck
Yes, go, get out of here before I change my mind.

Peg
(starts to go, but then:)
No wait. Take me with you.

Mister Creed
Take you with us?

Peg
Pleeease!

Mister Creed
Did you miss the part where we kidnapped you and forced you to come with us against your will in the first place?

Peg
I may as well confess it now: I let you kidnap me. Please, take me with you. You see, I'm an orphan from a poor family. My mother died before I was born. My father left me. My step-mother abused me. My brothers and sisters ran away from home. And I never had a pony.

Cap'n Buck & Mister Creed
(sympathetic:)
Ah.

Peg
This was my only hope. All my life I've had a dream of leaving my cares behind, and running away to sea to become a pirate!

Cap'n Buck
(put on the spot by her request:)
Oh... gee... I wish we could help you, lass, but... even if we let you come with us, you could never be a pirate.

Peg
Why not?

Cap'n Buck
Because women can't be pirates.

Peg
I can be anything a man can be!

(Pause, then both men burst out laughing at the idea, but then they quickly put on serious visages.)

Cap'n Buck
I'm sure you can, but it's just not the pirate way.
A woman pirate sets a bad example.

Peg
Have you ever seen a woman pirate?

Cap'n Buck
(thinks, then:)
Well... No.

Mister Creed
(interrupting:)
What about Scurvy Pete?

Cap'n Buck
Those were big earrings...

Mister Creed
And what about pirate Steve? Now there's a man was more swash than buckle.

(They enjoy a bawdy chuckle together. But then they notice that Peg is glaring at them.)

Cap'n Buck
All right, you want me to just come out and say it? The truth is. Well, women are... ...y'know. And pirates. Well, pirates have to be, how shall I put this, ...not like women.

Peg
You male chauvinist brigands! I can hoist sail and drop anchor with any man on this ship. And I'll pepper the bloke who says I can't.

(She steals the captain's sword, and threatens them.)

Mister Creed
(chuckles patronizingly:)
Now put that away before you hurt someone.

(She slashes at him, he jumps out of the way.)
(He tries to grab the sword away from her, but she kicks him.)
(So he grabs his own sword and they FIGHT.)
(Peg wins.)

Mister Creed
(from the ground:)
I hope you've learned your lesson.

Cap'n Buck
Alright, enough of this squabbling. You're a good man, Peg. But you're a woman.
But I'll let you join the crew anyway.

Peg
(squeals:)
Ooh thank you, Captain, thank you!

(She gives him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.)
I'm gonna be a pirate, la lala lalala!

Mister Creed
(aside to Cap'n Buck:)
You're not going soft on me, are ye, Cap'n?

Cap'n Buck
(viciously:)
No, I'm not going soft!!

(wiping away a tear:)
But I know what it's like not to have a pony.
(pirate-like again:)
Alright, you have to take the secret pirate pledge.

Peg
I didn't know there was a secret pirate pledge.

Mister Creed
Then the secret is safe.

Cap'n Buck
Repeat after me:
(Cap'n Buck and Peg raise their right hands.)
I, Pegleg Peggy...

Peg
I, Pegleg Peggy...

Cap'n Buck
Promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

Peg
Promise to tell the truth--

Cap'n Buck
Wait a minute. That's not right, is it?

Mister Creed
No, I don't think so.

Cap'n Buck
(to Mister Creed:)
Do you know how it goes?

Mister Creed
I think it's something like:
(Creed and Peg raise their right hands.)
I...

Peg
I...

Mister Creed
Pegleg Peggy...

Peg
Pegleg Peggy...

Mister Creed
Promise to be a pirate...

Peg
Promise to be a pirate...

Mister Creed
(to Cap'n Buck:)
Something like that, I think.

Cap'n Buck
(suddenly moving on to other business:)
Assemble the crew! I have an important announcement to make.

(Creed looks at Peg, looks at the Cap'n.)

Mister Creed
We're assembled.

Cap'n Buck
Crew, I have good news and bad news.

Mister Creed
What's the good news, Captain?

Cap'n Buck
(can't think of any:)
Well, I guess there's just bad news.
We lost our ship, we can't find it, we're marooned in a small landlocked village.

Peg
What! You lost your ship?

Cap'n Buck
I didn't lose it, he lost it.

Mister Creed
I left it right here.

Cap'n Buck
Well then why isn't it here?

Peg
What kind of pirates are you?

Cap'n Buck
Hungry ones, let's have lunch.

(Cap'n Buck takes out some sandwiches.)

Peg
I can't believe you kidnapped me and took me away to be a pirate, and you don't even have a ship.

Mister Creed
I can't believe you wanted to come with us.

Cap'n Buck
Would you like a sandwich?

Mister Creed
Pirates off the port bow!

Cap'n Buck
(leaping up:)
What!

Peg
A pirate ship?

Mister Creed
No, just the pirates. Three of them. Caribbean by the looks of 'em.

Cap'n Buck
Batten down the hatches! Man the main jib! Hoist the mizzen mast! Hard about the starboard port!

Mister Creed
We can't do any of that, Cap'n.

Cap'n Buck
Oh, I know. Force of habit.
All right, here's the plan. We'll follow these pirates and hijack their ship!

(They all exit.)
(Enter Captain Patch, with his crew: Peter Pirate and Pirate Bob.)
(Captain Patch takes out a telescope and scans the horizon.)

Pirate Bob
We're lost, aren't we Captain?

Captain Patch
Not at all.

Pirate Bob
We're not?

Captain Patch
No.

Pirate Bob
Then why have we been wandering around for hours?

Captain Patch
Because we're lost.

Pirate Bob
You just said we aren't lost.

Captain Patch
I did? I was mistaken.

Pirate Bob
So we are lost?

Captain Patch
No.
I mean, yes. ...What was the question?

Peter Pirate
(spotting Cap'n Buck's sandwich:)
Look, captain, a sandwich.

Captain Patch
(bellows:)
Why this is mutiny!

Peter Pirate
I don't think so, Captain.

Captain Patch
It's not?

Peter Pirate
Mutiny is when the crew of a ship overthrows its captain.

Captain Patch
Oh. Then what's this?

Peter Pirate
This is mutton.

Captain Patch
Oh. Any sign of the ship?

Peter Pirate
No, and its the strangest thing. I don't see any ocean either.

Captain Patch
No ocean? That's impossible.

(Looks around with telescope.)
What do you call this?

Peter Pirate
That's a bush.

Captain Patch
Oh. Quite right. Well, we've lost our ship, there's only one thing to do.

Pirate Bob
What's that?

Captain Patch
Go into another line of work.

Peter Pirate
We don't know any other line of work.

Captain Patch
I should have stayed in school.
All right, then, I will not be defeated, we'll just have to start over from scratch.

Pirate Bob
From scratch?

Captain Patch
Yes. Here's a plank. We shall build our ship around it.

Peter Pirate
Brilliant plan, Captain

Captain Patch
Thank you, Peter.
Pirate Bob, would you like to steer us out of port?

Pirate Bob
We're not in a port, Captain.

Captain Patch
Great Neptune's navel! That was incredible.
You have a real gift for navigation, Bob. I'm going to let you steer us out of port all the time.

Pirate Bob
Thank you, sir.

Peter Pirate
What shall we do now, Captain?

Captain Patch
Swab the decks. I want this ship shipshape before we ship out.

Peter Pirate
But, Captain, the decks are nothing but dirt.

Captain Patch
I know, and it's a disgrace. Get to work. I'll be in my cabin. Where is my cabin?

Peter Pirate
(aside to Pirate Bob:)
The captain's a bit daft.

Captain Patch
I heard that. If I'm daft, how come you're mopping dirt?

(Cap'n Buck appears on the horizon with his bloodthirsty crew, armed to the teeth.)

Cap'n Buck
Avast ye swabs!

Pirate Bob
Captain, we're being boarded!
Captain Patch
What did he call us?

Peter Pirate
Swabs, I think.

Captain Patch
What's a swab?

Peter Pirate
What's a vast?

Cap'n Buck
Prepare to be boarded.

Captain Patch
We don't have a ship.

Cap'n Buck
(the last straw:)
Well, why not, confound it??

Captain Patch
Never really needed one before now.

Cap'n Buck
But aren't you pirates?

Captain Patch
Quite right. Sorry. Forget what I said.

Cap'n Buck
So you do have a ship?

Captain Patch
Yes, and no.

Cap'n Buck
Well, listen, we've had a very trying day. Could we just board you anyway and if you lose you can owe us a ship?

Captain Patch
(considering the offer:)
That seems fair.

Pirate Bob
(interrupting:)
Shove off, you blackguard.

Cap'n Buck
Shove off?

Captain Patch
Pirate Bob, that's not polite. You shouldn't say "shove off" to a pirate, they take it very personally.

Pirate Bob
But, Captain, he means to take over our ship.

Cap'n Buck
Our ship??? Tell the blackguard to shove off, he can't have our ship.

Pirate Bob
Shove off, you blackguard!

Cap'n Buck
I'll see you eat those words, you barnacle's butt!

Pirate Bob
You and whose navy?

(Cap'n Buck attacks Pirate Bob. They FIGHT.)
(The other pirates cheer appropriately.)
(Cap'n Buck pulls a muscle.)

Cap'n Buck
Ow ow, I think I pulled something.

Mister Creed
Cap'n, I told you to stretch out before a sea battle.

Peg
(to the other pirates:)
This'll only take a minute.

(Cap'n Buck and his crew do some pirate warm-ups)
(At one point, Bob yanks Cap'n Buck's beard, but when the Cap'n returns the favor, Bob's beard comes off, revealing him for a woman.)
(Cap'n Buck stops fighting.)

Cap'n Buck
Excuse me, a moment.
(calling to Captain Patch:)
Ahoy there! I want a word with your captain.

Captain Patch
Yes?

Cap'n Buck
(taking him aside:)
What's it like having a woman on your crew?

Captain Patch
Why do you ask?

Cap'n Buck
Well, I shanghaied a woman today.
(Peg waves)
And I wonder if I haven't made a mistake.

Captain Patch
You want my advice, I say get rid of her. Women are nothing but trouble.

Cap'n Buck
That's what I was afraid of.

Captain Patch
I wouldn't have a female on my ship for all the doubloons in Dublin.

Cap'n Buck
But one of your crew is a woman.

Captain Patch
She is?
(He takes a look. Then when Bob isn't looking he whispers to Peter:)
Psst, Peter. Can you come here a moment?
(Peter comes over.)
Have you been a woman all these years and you never told me?

Peter Pirate
No sir!

Cap'n Buck
Not him. The other one.

Captain Patch
Bob?
(laughing:)
Har har har har har har! I think you've slipped a jib, mate.
(to Peter:)
He says Bob is a woman.

Peter Pirate
Har har har har har!

Captain Patch
(to Bob:)
Bob, come here!
(Bob comes over. Captain Patch and Peter are laughing almost uncontrollably.)

(to Cap'n Buck:)
Tell him what you said. Har har har!

Cap'n Buck
(ducking out:)
Never mind.

Pirate Bob
What? What's so funny?
(While Captain Patch and Peter Pirate guffaw, Cap'n Buck hurries back to his own crew.)

(Meanwhile, Captain Patch huddles with his crew:)

Captain Patch
All right, crew, we're about to come under attack, so remember the first rule of Piracy:

Pirate Bob
Which is?

Captain Patch
Don't give up the ship.

Pirate Bob
We don't have a ship.

Captain Patch
Oh, then remember the second rule of Piracy:

Pirate Bob
Which is?

Captain Patch
Every man for himself.
That's probably not a good rule in this situation either.

Peter Pirate
Ooh, do the third rule!

Captain Patch
Okay, the third rule of Piracy is:

Peter Pirate
I love the third rule.

Captain Patch
Red skies at night, sailors delight.

All Three
Red skies at morning, sailors take warning.

(They're ready for battle.)

Cap'n Buck
Ahoy there, Captain, are you prepared to surrender your ship?

Captain Patch
(defiantly:)
Yes!
...No, I mean!

Cap'n Buck
Yes or no?

Captain Patch
What was the question?

Cap'n Buck
(to his crew:)
Now!

(The pirates attack. Buck and Peg rush at Patch, Peter and Bob. Creed rushes to a pretty wench in the audience.)

Mister Creed
Listen, I notice you've been makin' eyes at me, but I don't know if I'll be comin' back from this battle alive. And even if I do, I'll be puttin' out to sea shortly, so I was wondering if I might sneak a kiss--

Cap'n Buck
Mister Creed!!

Mister Creed
Never mind.

(He hurries back to the fight.)
(FIGHT.)
(At some point, Bob and Peg are fighting.)

Pirate Bob
You fight like a girl.

Peg
Why thank you, so do you.

(They fight in various combinations.)
(EVENTUALLY...)
(Patch forces Cap'n Buck out onto the plank. They duel back and forth for awhile, but then Cap'n Buck loses his balance and falls in. Patch stands on the plank above him, laughing at his plight. Cap'n Buck leaps up and grabs him by the leg, and pulls him in also. They both flounder around in the dirt.)
(Creed rushes to the end of the plank and shouts:)

Mister Creed
Don't worry, Cap'n, I'll fish you out.

(But Peter attacks him, they fight on the plank briefly, then they both fall in screaming:)

Peter Pirate
Man overboard!

(The four men FIGHT in the "water")
(Eventually, Peg and Bob notice that everyone else has fallen overboard. They fetch a pole and start fishing the other pirates out. They rescue Captain Patch, Mister Creed and Peter, who are all exhausted.)
(Cap'n Buck is the last one left in the water.)

Cap'n Buck
Help! Help! I'm going under.

(He blows bubbles in the dirt.)

Peg
He's too far out, I can't reach him.

Captain Patch
Hold on there, mate, I'll save you!

(Captain Patch dives in again, swims over to Cap'n Buck, and pulls him to safety. The others help Cap'n Buck out of the water, and while they are resuscitating him, they don't notice that Captain Patch, too exhausted from his struggles to climb out, has slumped back into the water and drowned.)

Cap'n Buck
I'm alright now. It's okay, I'm fine.
Where's your Captain, I want to thank him.

(They see Captain Patch.)

All the Pirates
OH NO!

(They rush to the edge, but it is too late.)

Cap'n Buck
He drowned trying to save my life.

Pirate Bob
Tragic.

Peter Pirate
Stupid.

Peg
And yet, somehow appropriate.

Mister Creed
Shall I fish him out, Cap'n?

Peter Pirate
No, this is the way he would have wanted it.

Pirate Bob
He always talked of being buried at sea.

Cap'n Buck
Come, let us quarrel no more. We must band together now.
We've learned a bitter lesson today.

(All the pirates mutter: "Aye".)

Cap'n Buck
Peter Pirate, Pirate Bob, you are welcome as members of my crew.
I owe your Captain that much.

Mister Creed
What about the ship?

Cap'n Buck
Ah, Mister Creed, the sea is a harsh mistress. But so is the land.
Why do we need a ship when we can get in all this trouble with a stretch of dirt road and a plank.
No, let us go where no pirate has gone before...
Nebraska.

(They all start off together.)

Mister Creed
No, I think it's this way.

(They change course and go off again, humming a pirate catch.)
(...leaving Captain Patch's body floating in the dust, a grim reminder of the horrors of war.)

The End