(lights up)

(Eric and Stephanie smiling at the audience. Pause.)

(Eric turns to Stephanie.)

Hello, my name is Sparky. But you can call me Mr. Sparky.

OR

Honey, there's something I think you should know. I'm a priest.

OR

Have you seen my terrier?

OR

Have you seen my movie?

OR

Have you seen me naked?

OR

Would you like to see me naked?

OR

I'm naked. Can you tell?

OR

(He suddenly drops dead)

OR

I was choking on a biscuit when she walked into my life. It could have been the oxygen deprivation, but to me she seemed like a vision, an angel, a breath of fresh air. (He chokes.)

OR

Where have you been? Lift off is in 10 seconds!

OR

Don't move or I'll shoot. Oops. No. I mean... May I have this dance?

OR

Can I be completely candid with you, Candace?

OR

Guess where I hid the ice.

OR

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm cumming in my jeans right now.
And I'm not wearing jeans.

OR

Monkey?

OR

Are there any animals in my mouth?

OR

(He kneels.) Marry me and make me the happiest man on earth or I'll kill myself. But first I'll kill you.

OR

Do you have the explosives?

OR

You're the best audience I've ever had.

OR

Aaaaaaand, Action! (long pause) Cut! No, that's all wrong.

OR

You look edible. But I don't want to assume.

OR

Did you hear something? Or is that my superhuman hearing?

OR

There are castles to build and mountains to climb. Climb them with me. Or build them with me. Either one, I don't care, just as long as you let me be your handsome prince. Or your mountain climber. (pause) Or your handsome mountain climbing prince.

OR

Would you like fries with that?

OR

The hell with God. I say we eat those fucking apples.

OR

If you touch me again, I'm going to scream.

OR

I'm looking for mutants. And I think you know what I mean.

OR

Nobody cares!
Nobody cares what you think!
Nobody cares what you think about me!
Nobody cares what you think about me, so shut up!!

OR

I have an ointment for that.

OR

Are you on medication? Not that I think you should be on medication, but you seem like the type to-- well, I mean, in your ad, you seemed like-- I mean... Maybe I should take the flowers and come in again.

OR

I don't want to talk about your menstrual cycle.

OR

How do you maintain your corporeal form?

OR

Wanna see me teleport?

OR

Hey, guess what I have inside my body.

OR

You have to leave, my boyfriend is on his way.

OR

I don't want to alarm you, but there's something crawling on my back. It's big and hairy with venom dripping from its fangs. And I think it's love. I think it's called love.

OR

Mrs. Carmichael, your son is dead. Or he's very tired. No, he's dead. He's dead. I can admit it now. He's dead.

OR

Mama was an ass-monkey junkie, but look how her baby can dance.

OR

Spiders? Yum!

OR

Jasmine, how did you find me? And where's the donkey?

OR

I've never said this to anyone before, but I love Eu... thenasia.

OR

Did you bring the files? (beat) Did you bring the files? (beat) Did you bring your hearing aid?

OR

Can I ask you something very personal... and kinda dirty?

OR

You lack the characteristics one generally looks for in a mate. But I'm willing to make this work for the good of the gene pool.

OR

Red. No, green! No, red!

OR

Do you hear pirates?

OR

(He has an orgasm:) Oh! Oh! Uh huh! Oh God! Uh! ... Your turn.

OR

Let's just call a spade a spade, shall we, Mrs. Spade?

OR

How do you like my genitals? That's what they're called, right?

OR

One does not expectorate upon one's elders.

OR

Mmm. Spicy!

OR

Corrupt??? You wouldn't know corruption if it bribed you right in the ass!

OR

Styrofoam? That's impossible!

OR

I swallowed my bitch.

OR

Once upon a time. A long long time ago. Are you with me so far?

OR

Captain! We're under attack! We've lost contact with the base, and the weapons systems are down! Wait, where's the Captain?

OR

Have you looked in the refrigerator? Look in the refrigerator. I'm serious, look in the refrigerator.

OR

Seeing you now after all these years, I just want to kiss you so hard your face blisters up and you have to walk around with a bandage. But that wouldn't be love, would it? That would be something cruel and hurtful. But that's what love is, isn't it? A cruel, hurtful thing that two people do to each other. With kissing in between. That's why you're here now, isn't it?