What Will Happen Next???

by Jeff Goode and YOU

copyright © 1996
[week 6]

ERIC
I swallowed my bitch.

STEPH
We're so proud of you. ...Mr. Throat.

ERIC
(puts her fingers in his mouth and says:) Oh no. It's happening again.

STEPH
Listen, I'm going to count to 3. And you better have me completely swallowed, head to foot, because when I get to 3, any part of me that's sticking out of your mouth is gonna kick the shit out of you.

ERIC
I'm not afraid of you. (screams:) AAH! ...Sorry, your foot moved.

JEFF
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT???
Will he say...

(Stephanie's lines:)
#1

That wasn't my foot, now get in the car.

#2

HA! You think you can fool me with that old ploy? (Her foot begins moving uncontrollably.) Oh my God, oh my God!

#3

His name is Fido.

#4

Yes, well enough about me. Let's talk about your digestive tract.

#5

(She purrs.)

#6

Well, I didn't move it.

#7

(looks at her foot, and screams:) AAH! Now I'm infected.

#8

Just a cramp, don't be alarmed.

#9

You must be suffering terribly, but you've got to stay calm. We're here to help. Take off your pants.

#10

The perfect killing machine. I just wish you weren't such a pussy.

#11

As I was saying, we're very proud of you, Mr. Throat. Proud of you and your... accomplishments. ...No, that's not the word I'm looking for.

#12

HA HA HA! You're so cute.

#13

(aside:) MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GALAXY.
(to Eric:) We've located The Throat. He's struck again.

#14

You'd better be afraid, because if you don't do exactly as I say, that's the foot that's going to dance on your grave.

#15

Very funny, Throat. You know that's my peg leg.

#16

It's time we were introduced. I'm Ginger. Your granddaughter. From the future.

#17

Coward! What have you done with the real Throat?

#18

You're as gentle as a lamb. But you swallow women like goldfish. Remarkable.

#19

I am immune to your sarcasm, Gullet-Boy.

#20

You are afraid of me. Yet you'll swallow me whole the minute my back is turned. The ideal man.

#21

The next time my foot moves, you won't be so lucky.

#22

(threatening:) I've got lips, too. And a tongue. And tonsils. But that's about as intimate as you want to get.

#23

I don't hate you, Throaty. But I hate your gastric acids.

#24

No offense, but I want to keep this on a strictly professional level. Now, where's your penis?

#25

Me inside of you, is not part of the deal. ...You wanna hear the deal?

#26

We don't have time for games. I've got to get you to some bitches before your next relapse.

#27

One. Two. Three. (She looks herself up and down to make sure she's not being swallowed.) Very good.

#28

Kiss it. (beat) Now!!

#29

AAH! That wasn't my foot. ...They're here!

#30

(Enter INGER. She looks around and says:) Um... Hi. ...Either of you seen a woman? About so tall. ...Kind of bitchy.

#31

(beat) I love you. Whoops. I just blurted that out, didn't I?

#32

Ahem, yes, well. (to the audience:) Now in the category for most gruesome murder of a husband or pimp... The nominees are...

#33

Your bitch was carrying a shipment of diamonds. We have to get you to a surgeon before they enter your intestines.

#34

Was that too masculine? It's all right, you can tell me the truth.

#35

We don't have much time. Find your tongue and meet me at the Throat Cave in 10 minutes. (She exits.)

#36

(From offstage:) My God! Your saliva allows me to teleport!

#37

You're becoming more feminine. We've got to get you to a hospital before the transformation is complete.

#38

Ah, yes. I remember your weakness. Podaphobia.

#39

You're damn right you're sorry, you... you... I'm sorry, what were we talking about, handsome?

#or 40

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that. It's just... well, I've been swallowed by a man before.
It was my freshman year of college.
He was dressed like a giant grizzly bear.
And I was covered in honey.
It must have been the Halloween party at my sorority.
It was a warm night, and all the sisters had decided to go as edible sauces.
Heather was Hollandaise.
Chelsea was Cheezwhiz
Selena was salsa.
We told her that it played into all the worst Latin stereotypes. That maybe a mole or a verde or a pico would be more tasteful. But she just kept saying, she was a spicy Cuban mama, and she wanted to be dipped, not poured over an enchilada.

My best friend Karen was covered in chocolate syrup. She was the performance artist of the group. Looking back, I think the whole thing was her idea. I know she was the one who rented all the video equipment.

Around midnight we decided to go for a walk. Not Karen. Me and Bear. That was his name.

And standing there in the moonlight, he turned to me with that look in his eyes that boys get when you're standing in front of them naked except for a thin coating of sticky golden sweetness.

(points at Eric's eyes:) Kind of like that.


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