"3 Words" is a dialogue exercise developed for classwork.
The words for 3/18/08 were:
sexism / tornado / school shooter
3 Words: Transexual Tornadoes
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2008
DOLORES. Did you hear about that shooting at the girls school in Connecticut? They say it might be a new record.
CHLORYS. Record of what?
DOLORES. How many killed.
BORIS. That was last week. They still havent counted em yet?
DOLORES. Its depending on how many end up dying from their injuries. If its 2 more, its a record. Or, no, 2 more is a tie, and 3 is the record.
FOREST. See, this is why you dont use low-caliber ammunition.
BORIS. Why, how many little bitches did he shoot?
DOLORES. Okay, now that is just sexist.
BORIS. Hey, trust me, if youre a teenage girl, living at home, and your first year out of high school, all you want to do is go hang out with other girls, and talk shit about boys, and learn stuff, I guarantee you every one of them is bitches may they rest in peace or lesbians.
DOLORES. Im not even gonna argue that. Im just saying its sexist you think the shooter was a he.
BORIS. You said it was a he.
DOLORES. No, I didnt, you assumed.
BORIS. I did?
BORIS. Are you sure you didnt say?
BORIS. Well, how many did she shoot? See, that doesnt even sound right. "She shoots she shells by the she shore."
DOLORES. It wasnt a she. It was a guy.
BORIS. All right, well, my point exactly. Why are you being a dick about itIm sorry, why are you being a cunt and/or a dick about it?
DOLORES. Because I never said it was a guy. You jumped to the conclusion.
FOREST. This is why we cant get equality in this country. The only way to be non-sexist is to turn everybody into a hermaphrodite. "He/she did this" and "he/she did that".
CHLORYS. And how come its always "he/she"? Why cant it be "she/he" once in awhile?
BORIS. Because you cant even pronounce it. "She/he sh-hells she/he sh-hells by the she/he sho-hore."
CHLORYS. Hey, ya notice the only word in that sentence that doesnt have "she" in it is "bi"?
BORIS. I think youre right. It is a conspiracy to turn us all into transsexuals.
DOLORES. No, because then it would be "TRANS the sea shore"
CHLORYS. Isnt bisexual and transsexual the same thing? Theyre all just people afraid to admit theyre really homosexuals.
FOREST. So they make up something worse than homosexual to be?
DOLORES. That is the most sexist thing I ever heard.
FOREST. How is that sexist?
DOLORES. For one thing, because youre assuming theres something worse than homosexuals. And its bisexuals.
FOREST. But that doesnt make it sexist. Its neither one.
CHLORYS. So hating homosexuals is the opposite of sexism?
FOREST. I didnt say I hate them. And its bisexuals.
DOLORES. Hating bisexuals is the opposite of sexism?
BORIS. Yes! Or transsexuals. And I dont hate them! Or transvestites.
CHLORYS. Thats all the same thing.
DOLORES. Its not the same thing at all! And its not the opposite. Its two different things.
BORIS. How is two things not opposites?
DOLORES. Everything doesnt have to be opposites.
BORIS. That doesnt make any sense. Theres opposites, and theres not opposite. And theres nothing in between. You cant be the opposite of something and be the same thing as it.
CHLORYS. What about Tom and Jerry?
BORIS. What do you mean?
CHLORYS. Theyre opposites. But theyre both Tom & Jerry.
DOLORES. Thats stupid. Its still two things. Tom. And Jerry.
FOREST. All right, tornadoes, then.
DOLORES. Are the opposite of what?
CHLORYS. Australian tornadoes!
FOREST. Thats not what Im talking about
CHLORYS. Cuz they turn the opposite direction.
DOLORES. Why would they do that?
CHLORYS. Their toilets turn the other direction down there. It stands to reason.
DOLORES. Yeah, but thats water.
BORIS. And poop.
CHLORYS. Yeah, but its all the same thing. Its all science.
FOREST. Do they even have tornadoes down there? Its all desert.
DOLORES. So does quicksand turn the other direction in Australia, too?
BORIS. Other direction from what?
DOLORES. American quicksand.
BORIS. Do we even have quicksand?
FOREST. Yeah, isnt that just South America that has it?
DOLORES. Its still America.
BORIS. So South American toilets turn the opposite direction of Australia toilets, too?
CHLORYS. No, actually, they turn the opposite of England.
DOLORES. So, wait, English-speaking countries turn one direction, and all the others turn the wrong way?
CHLORYS. Its not wrong, just because its not English.
BORIS. Australians are English, too.
DOLORES. Okay, see, this is my point exactly. American, Australian and English. Thats 3 different things. So they cant all be opposites. America is not the opposite of Australia is not the opposite of England. Once you add a third thing, theres no more opposites.
FOREST. No, but they can all 3 be the same thing. Which is the opposite of opposite. They all speak English, so America is the same as Australia is the same as England. Its like what I was saying about tornadoes.
CHLORYS. They dont speak English?
FOREST. If youd let me finish! Tornadoes kill people. Am I right?
DOLORES. But its not the same as a school shooter.
BORIS. Yeah, but its not the opposite of a school shooter, either.
FOREST. Thats what Im saying.
DOLORES. Yeah, but you said they both kill people. So they are the same.
FOREST. Thats not the same kind of same.
BORIS. So you think the girls in Connecticut were killed by a tornado?
FOREST. How do we know they werent?
BORIS. Because it was a school shooter that did it. Not a tornado.
FOREST. Yeah, but we dont know that. Youre assuming again. We wont know exactly what killed or didnt kill all those girls until they finally catch the guy.
DOLORES. Or girl.
CHLORYS. Or tornado.
BORIS. So whats the record?
CHLORYS. For a school shooter?
DOLORES. No, for a tornado.
CHLORYS. Oh. Well, thats a relief.