"3 Words" is a dialogue exercise developed for classwork.
The words for 3/18/08 were:
sexism / tornado / school shooter

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2008

DOLORES. Did you hear about that shooting at the girls school in Connecticut? They say it might be a new record.

CHLORYS. Record of what?

DOLORES. How many killed.

BORIS. That was last week. They still haven’t counted ’em yet?

DOLORES. It’s depending on how many end up dying from their injuries. If it’s 2 more, it’s a record. Or, no, 2 more is a tie, and 3 is the record.

FOREST. See, this is why you don’t use low-caliber ammunition.

BORIS. Why, how many little bitches did he shoot?

DOLORES. Okay, now that is just sexist.

BORIS. Hey, trust me, if you’re a teenage girl, living at home, and your first year out of high school, all you want to do is go hang out with other girls, and talk shit about boys, and learn stuff, I guarantee you every one of them is bitches — may they rest in peace — or lesbians.

DOLORES. I’m not even gonna argue that. I’m just saying it’s sexist you think the shooter was a he.

BORIS. You said it was a he.

DOLORES. No, I didn’t, you assumed.

BORIS. I did?

DOLORES. Yep.

BORIS. Are you sure you didn’t say?

DOLORES. Positive.

BORIS. Well, how many did she shoot? See, that doesn’t even sound right. "She shoots she shells by the she shore."

DOLORES. It wasn’t a she. It was a guy.

BORIS. All right, well, my point exactly. Why are you being a dick about it–I’m sorry, why are you being a cunt and/or a dick about it?

DOLORES. Because I never said it was a guy. You jumped to the conclusion.

FOREST. This is why we can’t get equality in this country. The only way to be non-sexist is to turn everybody into a hermaphrodite. "He/she did this" and "he/she did that".

CHLORYS. And how come its always "he/she"? Why can’t it be "she/he" once in awhile?

BORIS. Because you can’t even pronounce it. "She/he sh-hells she/he sh-hells by the she/he sho-hore."

CHLORYS. Hey, ya notice the only word in that sentence that doesn’t have "she" in it is "bi"?

BORIS. I think you’re right. It is a conspiracy to turn us all into transsexuals.

DOLORES. No, because then it would be "TRANS the sea shore"

CHLORYS. Isn’t bisexual and transsexual the same thing? They’re all just people afraid to admit they’re really homosexuals.

FOREST. So they make up something worse than homosexual to be?

DOLORES. That is the most sexist thing I ever heard.

FOREST. How is that sexist?

DOLORES. For one thing, because you’re assuming there’s something worse than homosexuals. And it’s bisexuals.

FOREST. But that doesn’t make it sexist. It’s neither one.

CHLORYS. So hating homosexuals is the opposite of sexism?

FOREST. I didn’t say I hate them. And it’s bisexuals.

DOLORES. Hating bisexuals is the opposite of sexism?

BORIS. Yes! Or transsexuals. And I don’t hate them! Or transvestites.

CHLORYS. That’s all the same thing.

DOLORES. It’s not the same thing at all! And it’s not the opposite. It’s two different things.

BORIS. How is two things not opposites?

DOLORES. Everything doesn’t have to be opposites.

BORIS. That doesn’t make any sense. There’s opposites, and there’s not opposite. And there’s nothing in between. You can’t be the opposite of something and be the same thing as it.

CHLORYS. What about Tom and Jerry?

BORIS. What do you mean?

CHLORYS. They’re opposites. But they’re both Tom & Jerry.

DOLORES. That’s stupid. It’s still two things. Tom. And Jerry.

FOREST. All right, tornadoes, then.

DOLORES. Are the opposite of what?

CHLORYS. Australian tornadoes!

DOLORES. What?

FOREST. That’s not what I’m talking about–

CHLORYS. Cuz they turn the opposite direction.

DOLORES. Why would they do that?

CHLORYS. Their toilets turn the other direction down there. It stands to reason.

DOLORES. Yeah, but that’s water.

BORIS. And poop.

CHLORYS. Yeah, but it’s all the same thing. It’s all science.

FOREST. Do they even have tornadoes down there? It’s all desert.

DOLORES. So does quicksand turn the other direction in Australia, too?

BORIS. Other direction from what?

DOLORES. American quicksand.

BORIS. Do we even have quicksand?

FOREST. Yeah, isn’t that just South America that has it?

DOLORES. It’s still America.

BORIS. So South American toilets turn the opposite direction of Australia toilets, too?

CHLORYS. No, actually, they turn the opposite of England.

DOLORES. So, wait, English-speaking countries turn one direction, and all the others turn the wrong way?

CHLORYS. It’s not wrong, just because it’s not English.

BORIS. Australians are English, too.

DOLORES. Okay, see, this is my point exactly. American, Australian and English. That’s 3 different things. So they can’t all be opposites. America is not the opposite of Australia is not the opposite of England. Once you add a third thing, there’s no more opposites.

FOREST. No, but they can all 3 be the same thing. Which is the opposite of opposite. They all speak English, so America is the same as Australia is the same as England. It’s like what I was saying about tornadoes.

CHLORYS. They don’t speak English?

FOREST. If you’d let me finish! Tornadoes kill people. Am I right?

CHLORYS. Totally.

DOLORES. But it’s not the same as a school shooter.

BORIS. Yeah, but it’s not the opposite of a school shooter, either.

FOREST. That’s what I’m saying.

DOLORES. Yeah, but you said they both kill people. So they are the same.

FOREST. That’s not the same kind of same.

BORIS. So you think the girls in Connecticut were killed by a tornado?

FOREST. How do we know they weren’t?

BORIS. Because it was a school shooter that did it. Not a tornado.

FOREST. Yeah, but we don’t know that. You’re assuming again. We won’t know exactly what killed or didn’t kill all those girls until they finally catch the guy.

DOLORES. …Or girl.

CHLORYS. …Or tornado.

BORIS. So what’s the record?

DOLORES. 700.

CHLORYS. For a school shooter?

DOLORES. No, for a tornado.

CHLORYS. Oh. Well, that’s a relief.