The Ass, the Cock, and the Lion


The Ass, the Cock, and the Great Big Pussy

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2008

(DONKEY staggers in drunk.)

DONKEY. O what a night! I have hee hawed and capered the full moon away. And now there is nothing left of my nocturnal frolicks, but a belly full of strange rumblings and a head that aches like a bud about to burst. HEE HAW ouch! HEE HAW ouch! Thank the silent stars for my nice quiet bed of gentle straw. And I shall be happy to sleep from now till late afternoon. Good night, quiet Morning!

(DONKEY settles down to sleep. Enter ROOSTER.)

ROOSTER. O what a morning! The sun is about to burst up over the horizon and into the sky, and all it is waiting for is a cry from I, the rooster, to nudge it from its slumber with my clarion call. COCKADIDDLE DEE! COCKADIDDLE DEE! Wake, sun, and stir from your sleep. Wake, sleepers, and stir from your beds. (to the DONKEY) COCKADIDDLE DEE, lazy ass. ’Tis morning! Aren’t you glad you haven’t missed it?

DONKEY. Listen, cock! I am no ass, but a donkey, as you can plainly see. And a sleepy one, at that.

ROOSTER. And I, no cock, but a rooster. And it is 5 o’clock. Time to be out of your torpor and on about the day’s business.

DONKEY. I beg your pardon, O rooster. I mistook you for a cock for your rude intrusion into an ass’s business. But I, no ass, have no business, but to sleep!

ROOSTER. Sleep is for the wicked, O sinful ass.

DONKEY. Indeed, it is. Good night, good cock.

ROOSTER. Up, ass, I say!

DONKEY. Up yourself, cock.

ROOSTER. Up, up, you ass, and at the ready. You must be awake and on your guard. For morning is the time for lions to pounce.

DONKEY. And lyin’s what I intend to do. Now stand aside and let me pounce on my bed.

ROOSTER. I mean, of course, lions. Great cats — jungle pussies — those kings of we beasts who prowl the barnyards each morning in search of tasty cocks to eat and juicy asses to devour. Oh, look! Here’s one now!

(Enter LION.)

LION. O what a night! I must eat something soon, to calm this incessant throbbing, that I feel.

DONKEY. Egad! A great pussy! You were not mistaken! Hide, everyone! Hide for your lives, or we shall all surely die.

LION. O please do not be frightened, sweet ass, and gentle cock. For I come only to satisfy my desire for your flesh. But perhaps that came out wrong. Oh, well. Now which of you shall I devour first? The appetizing cock? Or this great juicy piece of ass?

DONKEY. I beg you not to devour us, gentle pussy. Or at least, not me. I have so much to live for. But this cock should satisfy you quite nicely.

LION. Too late for that. My maw already waters at the sight of such an ass as thee. I have made up my mind. Now back slowly into my mouth that I may enjoy you in the least painful way. For I don’t mean for you to suffer. Only to have you for my supper.

ROOSTER. Halt, voracious pussy! This ass is under my protection, and I will not allow you to consume it.

DONKEY. Are you mad, cock?! You’ll get us both swallowed! Although, I supposed that’s better than just me.

ROOSTER. I say again, this ass is my charge! Back, pussy, or face a cock’s rage!

LION. Ho ho ho! And what’s a wee cock to do about it? Your ass is mine now, and I mean to enjoy it in the only way one can enjoy an ass: A la carte! And there’s nothing a little cock can do.


LION & DONKEY. (deafened) Ow!


LION & DONKEY. (deafened) Ow!

ROOSTER. If you want this ass, you must go through me.

LION. Keep it down! Keep it down, cock! I was up very late. And the sound of your voice sets my nerves all a-grate.


LION. All right! All right! You are too much cock for me!

(LION flees.)

DONKEY. The great pussy has fled! I cannot believe my drooping ears. If a mere cock frights one off, what do I have to fear? Why, I’ll chase down that pussy and finish the job. Though I have to admit, now, my head really throbs. HEE HAW ow! HEE HAW ow! Come here, you great coward! And face the wrath of a weary ass! HEE HAW ow! HEE HAW ow!

(DONKEY rushes off after the LION.)

ROOSTER. No, no, don’t go! What you do, you don’t know! You can’t face a pussy without a cock’s crow!

DONKEY. (offstage) HEE HAW–

LION. (offstage) ROAR!

DONKEY. (offstage) HEE–

LION. (offstage) ROAR!

DONKEY. (offstage) Oh! Ow! My leg! My thigh! My ham! You are going to eat me, and all that I am!

LION. (offstage) RARGH! YUM!

ROOSTER. I will miss you, sweet ass. But the moral is clear: Though a cock is a thing strikes a pussy with fear. It doesn’t make your ass a lion tamer.