25 Random Things about Groundhog Day
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2009
I am named after a famous groundhog. Not Phil. The other one.
If it was up to me, I would stay in my warm tunnel and wait for winter to end by itself. I don’t think the climate needs my help.
My favorite movie is "Groundhog Day". I’ve seen it over and over so many times that I know exactly what happens. Or maybe I just saw it once.
If you dress a pair of groundhogs in cargo pants, it is much more difficult to tell them apart.
It’s considered impolite to breastfeed a groundhog at the dinner table. But you can still post the pictures on Facebook.
Groundhogs do not like to be tickled or slapped. But, of course, it’s not really up to them.
If I see my shadow, I am not the one who’s going to be running away and hiding in my burrow for six weeks. My shadow knows what it did.
Groundhogs are best served with a light pesto. Or a heavy topspin. Depending on what we’re talking about.
The French word for groundhog cannot be conjugated as a verb. But the English word is how you make wieners.
There has never been a man on the moon on the 2nd of February. Apollo 1, which was scheduled to leave earth on January 27th, 1967, exploded on the launch pad. Coincidence?
Groundhogs are indigenous to the ground.
It is never a good idea to tease a groundhog. And hairspray is bad for the environment. Styling mousse is the way to go.
You can take the girl out of the groundhog, but you can’t take the groundhog out of the girl. Without killing the girl.
Certain things do not taste like chicken. And I think the less said about that the better.
A burrowing mammal, the groundhog will fit into almost any small space, if you fold him right.
Nobody knows how to spell Punxsutawney, and it sounds kind of dirty when you do. ...And my parents have to read this.
I once went on a blind date with a woman who had a groundhog that was shaved completely bald, except for a thin strip down the middle. Which I discovered the first time she let me finger it.
If you cover it in spray adhesive, a groundhog is surprisingly docile and easy to handle, but harder to put away.
A herd of groundhogs is called a bustle. And not a herd. So I apologize.
In the furry community, groundhog "suiters" are the ones you don’t want to meet in a dark alley. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Then the alley is where you want to be.
The female of the species is called a "groundsow". But she prefers "milady".
There’s no business like show business, unless you’re in the business of milking groundhogs for their venom. In which case, there are similarities.
When they are young, groundhogs have tiny vestigial wings, which are only visible under a microscope or, paradoxically, from space.
According to experts, February second is considered the coldest day of the year, after you’ve been standing outside for an hour, waiting for a rodent to come up and tell you it’s cloudy.
If I were a groundhog, I would probably work for a domestic airline as a fighter pilot, since I would have 20/20 vision. And because it would be fun to see the expression on your face.
© 2009 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR