by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2006
I thought this year Id win for sure.
The Halloween costume contest.
But the judges.
I didnt even come in third place.
Thanks to what happened last night
There are at least 3 people
Who came to believe that they had better costumes.
Which was not the case.
Look at me.
I am accurate to the smallest detail.
But the judges didnt see it.
All they could say to me:
"What are you supposed to be? A fumigator?"
The word is exterminator.
And, no, thats not what Im supposed to be.
I am a serial killer.
Shes supposed to think Im a fumigator.
Dont you get it?
Dont you read the papers?
The Valley Killer.
That we know of.
No sign of forced entry.
He gets into their apartment as a maintenance worker, they think.
Cable guy. Or gas/electric.
Or an exterminator.
They invite him in.
Like a vampire.
He wont come uninvited.
But an exterminator seems harmless enough, right?
Hes only there to kill things. Stupid whores.
I talked to the judges after.
The one who was dressed like a cat vampire
Said I would have had a better chance if I looked more like a real serial killer.
How do you look more than exactly like a serial killer?
I even wore the same boots.
Look, theres still something brown caked on them.
The bride-of-Frankenstein judge thought I should have a trophy.
I agree completely.
But I guess thats not what she meant.
"Serial killers have trophies from their victims," she told me.
Yes, but not on them.
What does she expect me to do?
Carry a dismembered hand around on a chain around my neck?
Both judges agreed that if I did that, it would be "super creepy".
A serial killer isnt trying to be creepy on purpose! Sluts!
But look who Im talking to.
A vampire with whiskers and fur mittens.
And a Frankenstein bitch with coiffed hair and glitter day-glo eye shadow.
They suggested Id do better if I picked a more famous serial killer next time.
More famous than the Valley Killer?
Seven that we know of?
I mean, seriously, who died and made them judge?
But thats the thing.
These contests are never fair.
Its not the best costume that wins.
Its whatever impresses the judges.
And I think next year Ive got a real winner.
(Takes out a big chain necklace with a pair of dismembered hands dangling from it: One of them is wearing fur gloves, and the other one is day-glo glitter green...)© 2006 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR