Sic Semper Vampiris
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
MYRON. Someones coming.
SYLVIA. Act natural.
(Enter JERRY, another Vampire.)
JERRY. Sic Semper Vampiris!
MYRON. We thought you were one of those kids.
JERRY. What kids?
SYLVIA. Bunch of high school kids. We saw em cuttin across the cemetery earlier, on their way to McDonalds.
JERRY. And you let em get away?
MYRON. Sylvia wouldnt let me.
SYLVIA. Theyre not worth the trouble, Myron. You know how high the incidence of herpes among teenagers has gotten. You catch one of em, you probably just have to toss him back.
MYRON. Yeah, and its way past my coffintime, anyway. I gotta hit the dirt.
SYLVIA. We have to wait for Lydia.
JERRY. Shes not here yet?
SYLVIA. Does she look here?
JERRY. I cant believe this. Shes late again?
MYRON. Probably the traffic.
SYLVIA. Shes always late, Jerry. You knew that when you bit her. Dont act so surprised.
JERRY. One of these days shes gonna get us all sunburned. You know that.
SYLVIA. People never change. Thats rule number one of living forever. Better get used to it.
JERRY. Hey, whats that? Look over there.
MYRON. Its those kids coming back.
SYLVIA. Theyre spilling French fries all over the graveyard.
MYRON. Is nothing sacred?
JERRY. Thats it, Im goin after em.
SYLVIA. Leave em alone, Jerry. We dont have time for this.
JERRY. Im just gonna scare the bejeezus out of em. Only take a minute.
SYLVIA. Jerry (but Jerrys already gone)
MYRON. Jerry, be careful
JERRY. (offstage) I want to suck your bluuh---! Ugh! Yuck!
H.S. KID. (offstage) Faggot!
JERRY. Yeah, you better run! Little assholes.
H.S. KID. (offstage) Fuck off
MYRON. You got milkshake on your cape.
JERRY. Did you see that?
SYLVIA. I told you not to go.
JERRY. He wasnt even scared of me.
MYRON. What do you expect, Jerry? Look at you.
JERRY. What? I look like a vampire.
MYRON. You look like a Goth chick on prom night.
JERRY. Were wearing the same thing.
MYRON. Yeah, but Sylvia says I look good in it.
SYLVIA. You do, sweetie, youre adorable.
JERRY. Okay, Ive had it, weve got to do something about these uniforms.
SYLVIA. Whats wrong with the uniforms?
JERRY. Theyre not helping.
SYLVIA. I didnt hear you complaining when I designed them.
JERRY. That was 500 years ago.
SYLVIA. Yeah, well, back in the 1500s, this outfit was pretty f-ing terrifying, if you remember.
JERRY. Great, why dont I grab a time machine and go terrorize some medieval goatherds.
MYRON. Whered you get a time machine?
JERRY. I dont have a time machine!!
MYRON. Cuz that would be cool.
JERRY. Lets face it, being a vampire used to mean something. Now we dont scare the shit out o shit.
MYRON. You know whats scary, these days? Gas prices.
JERRY. Youre right about that.
MYRON. I am? Cool.
LYDIA. Sic Semper Vampiris!
SYLVIA. Lydia? About time.
JERRY. Have trouble finding the place?
LYDIA. Can you believe this traffic?
JERRY. Dont even start with that. You flew here, and you know it.
SYLVIA. Any luck tonight?
LYDIA. I dont want to talk about it.
SYLVIA. That bad?
LYDIA. I had a nice juicy one lined up. Guy said he was a virgin.
JERRY. Ha! In this day and age?
MYRON. And you believed him?
LYDIA. Youre starting to sound like Sylvia.
SYLVIA. Did you take him down to the free clinic, like I told you?
LYDIA. Yeah. Turns out hes got hepatitis C. Asshole.
JERRY. All right, thats it, we gotta rethink this whole bloodsucking thing.
SYLVIA. What are you talking about?
JERRY. Its just not working out.
MYRON. But... were vampires. Its what we do.
JERRY. No, frightening people is what we do. Were inhuman monsters, in case you forgot. We dont suck blood for our health you know. We do it to because its fucking creepy.
LYDIA. Then I dont think its working, Milkshake.
JERRY. Well, of course not, the way the world is today. They got thermonuclear weapons out there to worry about now. And terrorists with home made pipe bombs. And sarin gas.
MYRON. And hurricanoes.
LYDIA. And hepatitis C.
JERRY. You think anyone cares if they get a bad hickey?
MYRON. They used to scream when you bit em. Now they just ask me when Im gonna be finished.
JERRY. Theres serial rapists and mafia hit men workin the streets. You think theyre gonna be afraid of one of us? We dont even kill people! Whats the worst thing that can happen, you get bit by a vampire?
MYRON. Turn into a vampire?
JERRY. Thats right! You turn into a vampire. Eternal life. Specifically, eternal life, looking like this. In our prime. How scary is that?
SYLVIA. Theres really no downside, now you mention it.
MYRON. Well, the sunlight thing.
JERRY. God forbid I should go to a night club anymore. I cant get across the dance floor without every little ho bag in the place begging me to make her immortal.
LYDIA. Hey! You begged me.
JERRY. Im not talking about you.
LYDIA. Can I help it I look cute in this outfit?
MYRON. Me, too!
JERRY. Theres jackasses out there playing extreme sports just for the pain of it. And teenage girls getting tattoos. You think they care about a little blood loss?
SYLVIA. So what do you want to do, stop sucking blood?
JERRY. Thats right! We gotta think outside the box. Stop sucking blood and start sucking something people really care about.
LYDIA. Like money.
MYRON. Nah, nuh uh, no way!
LYDIA. Why not?
MYRON. Think about it, Lydia. Where do people keep money?
LYDIA. In their pocket?
MYRON. And if they see me bending down to sink my teeth into some guys wallet, people might get the wrong idea.
JERRY. Hes right about that. Ill suck a purse, maybe, but youll catch me shopping at Mirrors R Us before I suck anything out of a guys pants.
LYDIA. Ill suck his pants.
SYLVIA. Yeah, we get it. Youre a whore.
JERRY. Moneys no good. But I think Myrons got the right idea.
MYRON. I do? About what?
JERRY. Gas prices. Energy shortages. Thats whats fucking scary. We oughta switch to oil. Or enriched uranium.
LYDIA. Ugh! Yuck!
MYRON. Gas gives me gas.
JERRY. Hey, blood was an acquired taste, too, but we got used to it, didnt we? At least crude is sweet, I hear.
SYLVIA. So you want us to suck cars?
LYDIA. I like it.
SYLVIA. You just like sucking.
MYRON. Isnt that gonna be a little weird? Vampire suckin a Volvo?
JERRY. Hey, it was a little weird back in the 12th century when we had to switch from water to blood. But thats the economy. Things change. Weve gotta go with the flow. How do you think we survived this long?
MYRON. Because were immortal?
JERRY. Yeah, were immortal and we change with the times. It used to be water was the most precious substance on earth. But when that stopped being the case, we moved on to something more vital, and it re-scarified us for a whole new generation. Isnt that right, Lydia?
SYLVIA. You remember the look on their face, the first time you bit someone on the neck instead of stealing his camel?
MYRON. (laughing) Hell yeah. That guy screamed and screamed, he was so surprised.
JERRY. And yer gonna hear plenty of screaming when people go to start their car in the morning and find out their Beemers been sucked dry by a vampire. Mwa ha ha ha!
MYRON. I dont know if I can sink my teeth into a Beemer, Jerry.
LYDIA. You dont use your teeth, Myron, you get a siphon.
MYRON. Oh, you mean literally suck their cars.
JERRY. What did you think I was talking about?
MYRON. I dunno.
JERRY. Nobodys scared of us now, but waitll we start affecting their gas mileage. Thatll strike fear in anyones heart. Sic Semper Petroleum!
LYDIA. I like it. We hit em where they live. In their cars.
JERRY. 21st Century vampires. Were immortal. Invulnerable.
MYRON. Strength of ten men.
JERRY. And we make your gas prices skyrocket. Name one terrorist can do that.
SYLVIA. Besides all of them?
JERRY. Okay, get smart. But tell me which youd rather be - a bloodsucker or a gas guzzler?
LYDIA. Good point.
MYRON. Gas guzzlers kick ass.
SYLVIA. Im too old to be picking up guys in bars, anyway. The jobd be a lot easier if I could just grab something in the parking lot at Wal-mart.
JERRY. Then were agreed?
ALL FOUR. Sic Semper Vampiris!
SYLVIA. Well, Im glad thats settled.
MYRON. So when do we start?
LYDIA. Tomorrow, man, Im exhausted. I gotta take a dirt nap.
JERRY. Lydia All right, but next time I want to talk about these costumes. I mean it!
MYRON. You know what else we gotta do? Stop exploding in the sunlight. That part really sucks.
SYLVIA. Baby steps, Myron.
(END OF PLAY.)