Sic Semper Vampiris

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2007

(Two Vampires, SYLVIA and MYRON are waiting outside a tomb in a cemetery. They hear someone coming.)

MYRON. Someone’s coming.

SYLVIA. Act natural.

(They flourish their capes in a vampiric and altogether unnatural fashion.)

(Enter JERRY, another Vampire.)

JERRY. Sic Semper Vampiris!

SYLVIA. Jerry!

MYRON. We thought you were one of those kids.

JERRY. What kids?

SYLVIA. Bunch of high school kids. We saw ‘em cuttin’ across the cemetery earlier, on their way to McDonalds.

JERRY. And you let ‘em get away?

MYRON. Sylvia wouldn’t let me.

SYLVIA. They’re not worth the trouble, Myron. You know how high the incidence of herpes among teenagers has gotten. You catch one of ‘em, you probably just have to toss him back.

MYRON. Yeah, and it’s way past my coffintime, anyway. I gotta hit the dirt.

SYLVIA. We have to wait for Lydia.

JERRY. She’s not here yet?

SYLVIA. Does she look here?

JERRY. I can’t believe this. She’s late again?

MYRON. Probably the traffic.

SYLVIA. She’s always late, Jerry. You knew that when you bit her. Don’t act so surprised.

JERRY. One of these days she’s gonna get us all sunburned. You know that.

SYLVIA. People never change. That’s rule number one of living forever. Better get used to it.

(JERRY hears someone coming.)

JERRY. Hey, what’s that? Look over there.

MYRON. It’s those kids coming back.

SYLVIA. They’re spilling French fries all over the graveyard.

MYRON. Is nothing sacred?

JERRY. That’s it, I’m goin’ after ‘em.

SYLVIA. Leave ‘em alone, Jerry. We don’t have time for this.

JERRY. I’m just gonna scare the bejeezus out of ‘em. Only take a minute.

SYLVIA. Jerry– (but Jerry’s already gone)

MYRON. Jerry, be careful–

JERRY. (offstage) I want to suck your bluuh---! Ugh! Yuck!

H.S. KID. (offstage) Faggot!

(JERRY comes back in, covered in milkshake. He yells after the departing kids.)

JERRY. Yeah, you better run! Little assholes.

H.S. KID. (offstage) Fuck off…

MYRON. You got milkshake on your cape.

JERRY. Did you see that?

SYLVIA. I told you not to go.

JERRY. He wasn’t even scared of me.

MYRON. What do you expect, Jerry? Look at you.

JERRY. What? I look like a vampire.

MYRON. You look like a Goth chick on prom night.

JERRY. We’re wearing the same thing.

MYRON. Yeah, but Sylvia says I look good in it.

SYLVIA. You do, sweetie, you’re adorable.

JERRY. Okay, I’ve had it, we’ve got to do something about these uniforms.

SYLVIA. What’s wrong with the uniforms?

JERRY. They’re not helping.

SYLVIA. I didn’t hear you complaining when I designed them.

JERRY. That was 500 years ago.

SYLVIA. Yeah, well, back in the 1500s, this outfit was pretty f-ing terrifying, if you remember.

JERRY. Great, why don’t I grab a time machine and go terrorize some medieval goatherds.

MYRON. Where’d you get a time machine?

JERRY. I don’t have a time machine!!

MYRON. Cuz that would be cool.

JERRY. Let’s face it, being a vampire used to mean something. Now we don’t scare the shit out o’ shit.

MYRON. You know what’s scary, these days? Gas prices.

JERRY. You’re right about that.

MYRON. I am? Cool.

(Enter LYDIA, also a Vampire.)

LYDIA. Sic Semper Vampiris!

SYLVIA. Lydia? About time.

JERRY. Have trouble finding the place?

LYDIA. Can you believe this traffic?

JERRY. Don’t even start with that. You flew here, and you know it.

SYLVIA. Any luck tonight?

LYDIA. I don’t want to talk about it.

SYLVIA. That bad?

LYDIA. I had a nice juicy one lined up. Guy said he was a virgin.

JERRY. Ha! In this day and age?

MYRON. And you believed him?

LYDIA. You’re starting to sound like Sylvia.

SYLVIA. Did you take him down to the free clinic, like I told you?

LYDIA. Yeah. Turns out he’s got hepatitis C. Asshole.

JERRY. All right, that’s it, we gotta rethink this whole bloodsucking thing.

SYLVIA. What are you talking about?

JERRY. It’s just not working out.

MYRON. But... we’re vampires. It’s what we do.

JERRY. No, frightening people is what we do. We’re inhuman monsters, in case you forgot. We don’t suck blood for our health you know. We do it to because it’s fucking creepy.

LYDIA. Then I don’t think it’s working, Milkshake.

JERRY. Well, of course not, the way the world is today. They got thermonuclear weapons out there to worry about now. And terrorists with home made pipe bombs. And sarin gas.

MYRON. And hurricanoes.

LYDIA. And hepatitis C.

JERRY. You think anyone cares if they get a bad hickey?

MYRON. They used to scream when you bit ‘em. Now they just ask me when I’m gonna be finished.

JERRY. There’s serial rapists and mafia hit men workin’ the streets. You think they’re gonna be afraid of one of us? We don’t even kill people! What’s the worst thing that can happen, you get bit by a vampire?

MYRON. Turn into a vampire?

JERRY. That’s right! You turn into a vampire. Eternal life. Specifically, eternal life, looking like this. In our prime. How scary is that?

SYLVIA. There’s really no downside, now you mention it.

MYRON. Well, the sunlight thing.

JERRY. God forbid I should go to a night club anymore. I can’t get across the dance floor without every little ho bag in the place begging me to make her immortal.

LYDIA. Hey! You begged me.

JERRY. I’m not talking about you.

LYDIA. Can I help it I look cute in this outfit?

MYRON. Me, too!

JERRY. There’s jackasses out there playing extreme sports just for the pain of it. And teenage girls getting tattoos. You think they care about a little blood loss?

SYLVIA. So what do you want to do, stop sucking blood?

JERRY. That’s right! We gotta think outside the box. Stop sucking blood and start sucking something people really care about.

LYDIA. Like money.

MYRON. Nah, nuh uh, no way!

LYDIA. Why not?

MYRON. Think about it, Lydia. Where do people keep money?

LYDIA. In their pocket?

MYRON. And if they see me bending down to sink my teeth into some guy’s wallet, people might get the wrong idea.

JERRY. He’s right about that. I’ll suck a purse, maybe, but you’ll catch me shopping at Mirrors ‘R’ Us before I suck anything out of a guy’s pants.

LYDIA. I’ll suck his pants.

SYLVIA. Yeah, we get it. You’re a whore.

JERRY. Money’s no good. But I think Myron’s got the right idea.

MYRON. I do? About what?

JERRY. Gas prices. Energy shortages. That’s what’s fucking scary. We oughta switch to oil. Or enriched uranium.

LYDIA. Ugh! Yuck!

MYRON. Gas gives me gas.

JERRY. Hey, blood was an acquired taste, too, but we got used to it, didn’t we? At least crude is sweet, I hear.

SYLVIA. So you want us to suck cars?

LYDIA. I like it.

SYLVIA. You just like sucking.

MYRON. Isn’t that gonna be a little weird? Vampire suckin’ a Volvo?

JERRY. Hey, it was a little weird back in the 12th century when we had to switch from water to blood. But that’s the economy. Things change. We’ve gotta go with the flow. How do you think we survived this long?

MYRON. Because we’re immortal?

JERRY. Yeah, we’re immortal and we change with the times. It used to be water was the most precious substance on earth. But when that stopped being the case, we moved on to something more vital, and it re-scarified us for a whole new generation. Isn’t that right, Lydia?

SYLVIA. You remember the look on their face, the first time you bit someone on the neck instead of stealing his camel?

MYRON. (laughing) Hell yeah. That guy screamed and screamed, he was so surprised.

JERRY. And yer gonna hear plenty of screaming when people go to start their car in the morning and find out their Beemer’s been sucked dry by a vampire. Mwa ha ha ha!

MYRON. I don’t know if I can sink my teeth into a Beemer, Jerry.

LYDIA. You don’t use your teeth, Myron, you get a siphon.

MYRON. Oh, you mean literally suck their cars.

JERRY. What did you think I was talking about?

MYRON. I dunno.

JERRY. Nobody’s scared of us now, but wait’ll we start affecting their gas mileage. That’ll strike fear in anyone’s heart. Sic Semper Petroleum!

LYDIA. I like it. We hit ‘em where they live. In their cars.

JERRY. 21st Century vampires. We’re immortal. Invulnerable.

MYRON. Strength of ten men.

JERRY. And we make your gas prices skyrocket. Name one terrorist can do that.

SYLVIA. Besides all of them?

JERRY. Okay, get smart. But tell me which you’d rather be - a bloodsucker or a gas guzzler?

LYDIA. Good point.

MYRON. Gas guzzlers kick ass.

SYLVIA. I’m too old to be picking up guys in bars, anyway. The job’d be a lot easier if I could just grab something in the parking lot at Wal-mart.

JERRY. Then we’re agreed?

MYRON. Yeah.

LYDIA. Okay.

(They put their hands in.)

ALL FOUR. Sic Semper Vampiris!

SYLVIA. Well, I’m glad that’s settled.

MYRON. So when do we start?

LYDIA. Tomorrow, man, I’m exhausted. I gotta take a dirt nap.

(LYDIA exits into the tomb.)

JERRY. Lydia– All right, but next time I want to talk about these costumes. I mean it!

(JERRY exits into the tomb.)

MYRON. You know what else we gotta do? Stop exploding in the sunlight. That part really sucks.

SYLVIA. Baby steps, Myron.

(SYLVIA and MYRON exit into the tomb.)