Brain Food
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2009
(The dining room. Enter LISA, a high school student and her brother BILLY.)
LISA
Mom, Dad, we’re home.
BILLY
What’s for dinner?
MOM
(off) Braaains!
BILLY
Awesome!
LISA
Not again. (shouting into the kitchen) Mom?
MOM
(off) Braaains!
LISA
Yeah, I heard you. I’m going over to Tina’s house, okay? Mom?
(Silence.)
LISA
Tina said her mom said I could come over there for dinner.
MOM
(off) Braaains?
LISA
I don’t know what they’re having. Maybe nachos.
(Silence.)
LISA
Dad?
(Enter DAD from the living room.)
DAD
You kids are late. Where have you been?
BILLY
Don’t look at me. "Slow-ride" was driving.
LISA
Dad, I’m going over to Tina’s, okay?
DAD
Did you ask your mother?
LISA
Do I have to? You know what she’s going to say.
MOM
(off) Braaains!
DAD
Your mom spent the afternoon slaving over a hot stove to make you kids a nice warm home-cooked meal, and you’re not gonna run off to Tina’s for chips and salsa.
LISA
Oh, yuck. It’s gonna be warm?
BILLY
I like it warm. (creepy) It’s like they’re still alive.
LISA
But we just had brains for dinner last night.
DAD
Well, you’re in luck, because guess what we’re having again tonight?
(MOM enters with a steaming casserole dish.)
MOM
Braaains!
(MOM is a ZOMBIE.)
DAD
And if somebody cleaned her plate better, maybe we wouldn’t have so many leftovers.
(MOM offers DAD some casserole.)
MOM
Braaains.
DAD
Thank you, honey.
LISA
Dad, pleeeease, can I go to Tina’s house?
DAD
Ask your mom.
LISA
Mom–?
MOM
Braaains.
LISA
No, thanks, I don’t want any.
MOM
Braaains?
LISA
Yeah, brains. I don’t want any brains. I’m sick of brains, brains, brains, all the time. Why can’t we eat out once in awhile like normal people?
BILLY
Fast food is bad for you.
MOM
(pats him on the head) Braaains.
BILLY
It eats up your insides. Didn’t you see that movie?
LISA
"Supersize Me"?
BILLY
No, the other one.
LISA
"Inconsequential Truth"?
BILLY
No, the horror movie. "Killburger".
LISA
Musta missed that one.
BILLY
Best movie of the year. Swear to God. It’s about a giant quarterpounder the size of a truck that goes on a killing spree. And for the quarterpounder, they used an elephant on a giant bun, dripping with cheese and human gore.
LISA
Don’t you mean a quarter million pounder? If it’s that big it wouldn’t be a quarter pounder any more.
BILLY
It was originally a quarter pounder, Smart-bomb. Before the accident. But it still has the DNA of just a regular quarterpounder. Which is how they defeat it.
LISA
When did this come out?
BILLY
It’s only on YouTube.
LISA
You don’t count that as a movie.
BILLY
I do.
MOM
Braaains?
LISA
No, thanks, Mom, I don’t want any brains.
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
All right, but just a little.
(MOM spoons some casserole onto LISA’s plate.)
LISA
Okay, that’s plenty.
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
I said, whoa, that’s enough!
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
Mom, I’m not gonna eat all of that.
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
I am not eating this.
MOM
Braaains!!
LISA
Dad?
DAD
Listen to your mother.
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
This is so unfair.
(MOM goes into the kitchen.)
BILLY
This is delish!
LISA
You are so gross.
BILLY
Hey, Mom, is there anything for dessert?
(MOM enters with a jello-mold and a can of whip cream.)
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
All right, that’s it! Mom, Dad, there’s something I have to tell you. I wasn’t going to say anything till I went away to college, but I can’t keep this inside me any longer.
MOM
Braaains?
LISA
I’m thinking about becoming a vegetarian.
BILLY
Uh oh.
DAD
Wow, look at the time. Come on, Billy. Looks like somebody just earned herself a good talking-to.
BILLY
How come I always have to leave the room when Lisa gets yelled at. I could be a witness for the prosecution!
DAD
Out!
BILLY
I’m gonna get my camera!
(DAD shoves BILLY into the next room and follows him out.)
(MOM looks at LISA and shakes her head in disappointment. LISA stares at her plate. MOM pulls up a chair and places a comforting arm around LISA’s shoulders. She sighs. She tries to find the words.)
MOM
Braaaaaai–
LISA
No, Mom! I’ve heard this story about a million times before. How you were abused as a child by a trusted neighbor, and it fucked you up in the head.
MOM
Braaains.
LISA
And you almost had to drop out of high school because you started drinking and getting in trouble even though you were on the honor roll.
MOM
Braaains…
LISA
And then you went off to college and started experimenting with serious drugs and hardcore hallucinogens.
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
And how one fateful weekend you got so wasted with your loser boyfriend that you wandered onto a nearby military base where they were testing a nerve agent that turns enemy soldiers into unstoppable, flesh-eating zombies. Which, if you ask me, has got to be the worst idea for a secret weapon ever.
MOM
Braaains!!
LISA
But somehow after all that you got it together and made up with Dad and got married and started a family. And now you don’t ever want to have to go back to that life.
MOM
Braaains…
LISA
And I know this is all just your way of saying you love us and you don’t want me and Billy to make the same mistakes you did.
MOM
(nods) Braaains.
LISA
But I don’t see how eating human brains for dinner is going to help with that.
(MOM thinks about it. She shrugs.)
MOM
…Braaains.
LISA
Yeah, okay. I guess I understand. Thanks, Mom. I’m glad we had this talk.
(MOM sprinkles some parmesan cheese on LISA’s brains.)
LISA
But I swear to God, as soon as I get to college I’m going on a total no-brains diet.
MOM
Braaains.
(DAD and BILLY reenter. BILLY has a video camera.)
DAD
Everything squared away in here?
BILLY
How come no one’s bleeding? This family sucks!
(MOM exits into the kitchen. They all sit back down to eat. LISA picks at her food.)
LISA
Ugh. Disgusting.
BILLY
Shoulda ate it while it was still warm.
LISA
Shut up.
(MOM enters with a chicken salad sandwich on a plate and sits down with the others to eat. Everyone stops and stares at her.)
BILLY
Uh… Mom?
DAD
Honey?
(MOM looks up, chewing her sandwich innocently.)
MOM
Brains?
LISA
Mom, what’s that?
DAD
Honey, what’s that in your mouth?
MOM
(evasively) Braaains?
DAD
That doesn’t look like brains.
MOM
Braaains!
LISA
That is not brains!
MOM
Braaains!!
DAD
Oh for God’s sake, honey.
LISA
If she can have chicken salad, why can’t I have chicken salad?!
DAD
All right, kids, go to your rooms. Your mother and I have to talk.
BILLY
Why do I have to go to my room?
LISA
She’s the one cheating on her diet!
DAD
Go to the living room!
BILLY
Sucks, I tell you!
(BILLY and LISA exit into the living room.)
DAD
Honey? What’s the matter? What’s wrong?
(MOM sobs.)
DAD
Is something upsetting you?
(MOM nods and sobs.)
DAD
It’s okay. You can tell me. What is it?
MOM
…Braaaaaains!!!
(MOM sobs.)
DAD
Oh.
(Lights slowly fade.)
DAD
Oh, I didn’t see that coming.
(End of Play.)© 2009 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR