(JIM enters with a Christmas present hidden behind his back.)

JIM
Honey, I’m home! And, boy, have I got a Christmas surprise for you!

(DELLA enters. She is wearing a peculiar hat.)

DELLA
How wonderful! Because I have one for you, too!

JIM
Can I guess?

DELLA
You’ll never guess.

JIM
Shotgun?

DELLA
No.

JIM
Well, then, I give up.

DELLA
A shotgun?

JIM
I said I give up.

DELLA
Why would I get you a shotgun?

JIM
Because you love me?

DELLA
You know how I feel about guns.

JIM
And it’s Christmas...

DELLA
Well, it is Christmas.

JIM
And you want me to be happy...

DELLA
It’s not a shotgun.

JIM
Oh, well. There’s always next year.

DELLA
Uh huh. And what did you get me?

JIM
You’ll never guess.

DELLA
I don’t want to guess. I want you to tell me. Is that it? (She points at the gift he’s hiding behind his back.)

JIM
It’s something you don’t have...

DELLA
Give it to me.

JIM
But you’ve always wanted...

DELLA
Someone who does what he’s told?

JIM
But you’re always going on and on about.

DELLA
I don’t like where this is going.

JIM
And it fits inside this shoebox. I mean this box. It’s not necessarily a shoebox.

DELLA
Is it shoes?

JIM
I said it’s not a shoebox!

DELLA
I don’t know then. Just tell me.

JIM
Do you want a clue?

DELLA
No.

JIM
Okay, well, you know how you have such long beautiful hair that we’re always talking about how other women would kill to have hair like yours?

DELLA
Or they’d just buy a wig.

JIM
Exactly! From a wigmaker! (Beat, as he becomes suspicious:) Why are you wearing that hat?

DELLA
No reason.

JIM
(unconvinced) Right...

DELLA
So you got me a wig?

JIM
Why would you need a wig?

DELLA
I don’t.

JIM
You have such long beautiful hair.

DELLA
We were talking about wigs. I was guessing.

JIM
We were talking about your hair.

DELLA
You have a hair fetish.

JIM
And sometimes we fight about it, but really I don’t even mind that it takes you two extra hours in the bathroom every time you shampoo and condition, because it’s definitely your best feature. Of your face, I mean. You have other features.

DELLA
I’ll take that as a compliment.

JIM
(still suspicious) No, really, why are you wearing that hat?

DELLA
Because I felt like it.

JIM
Yeah, but we’re indoors.

DELLA
You’re wearing a hat.

JIM
It’s a Christmas hat.

DELLA
People wear hats for other reasons.

JIM
Yeah, but it’s weird.

DELLA
Would you get off the hat?

JIM
Okay, well, you know how you’re always trying to get us to do more things together?

DELLA
We should do more things together.

JIM
And I agree completely.

DELLA
Good! I’m glad to finally hear it.

JIM
But you never want to do anything I want to do.

DELLA
Not this again.

JIM
You don’t. You never do.

DELLA
This better not be about NASCAR or I’m gonna want that shotgun after all.

(He hesitates, not sure how to proceed in that case.)

JIM
All right, but hypothetically, if it was about NASCAR, that would be a perfect example of exactly what I’m talking about.

DELLA
There better not be anything in that box with racing stripes on it.

JIM
What about flames?

DELLA
Give it to me!

(She grabs the package. He tries to keep it away from her.)

JIM
I don’t know who painted those flames on there!

DELLA
Let me have it!

(She wrests the package away from him.)

JIM
They probably came with it.

(She opens the package. She takes out a pair of tap shoes with flames painted on the sides.)

DELLA
Tap shoes?

JIM
Ta da!

DELLA
You got me tap shoes?

JIM
Really good ones, too. With flames.

DELLA
Why the hell would I want tap shoes?

JIM
Because you love dance! You’re always talking about how much you love "the dance". And always trying to get me to go with you.

DELLA
I love ballet! I want you to take me to the ballet.

JIM
Yeah, but, this way I don’t have to go with you. This is something you can do by yourself.

DELLA
Okay, now I get it.

JIM
You can learn tap dancing, and I can go to NASCAR.

DELLA
Oh, you can forget about going to NASCAR. Ever!

JIM
What? Why?

DELLA
These aren’t even my size!

JIM
Well, how do I know what your size is? Do I look like a podiatrist?

DELLA
These are men’s tap shoes!

JIM
So just cuz I guessed wrong on your size--

DELLA
And gender.

JIM
--you’re gonna take away my NASCAR tickets?

DELLA
What NASCAR tickets?

JIM
The ones you got me for Christmas!

DELLA
I didn’t get you any NASCAR tickets!

JIM
I overheard you ordering the tickets on the phone!

DELLA
(Beat.) I thought you were at work.

JIM
I was hiding in the closet.

DELLA
All weekend?

JIM
I wanted it to be a surprise! That I knew!

DELLA
Well, I hate to break this to you... (She hands him a gift envelope.)

JIM
(nodding) I know you do, you hate it, and I’m very grateful.

DELLA
But I got you season tickets to the ballet.

JIM
What?

DELLA
So we could do something together!

JIM
What?!

DELLA
You heard me.

JIM
How could you do this to me?

DELLA
Because it’s Christmas!

JIM
Oh my God! If you wanted something we can both do together, you shoulda got me that shotgun. So you could go to the opera, and I can blow my brains out.

DELLA
It’s not opera, it’s ballet! There’s a difference.

JIM
Yeah, one’s louder.

DELLA
Oh yeah? Which one?

JIM
I don’t have to answer that.

DELLA
Ha!

JIM
So this is what you traded your hair for?

DELLA
Traded my hair?

JIM
You didn’t think I’d notice that you cut off all your hair and sold it to that wigmaker so you could buy presents for Christmas?

DELLA
Why on earth would I do that?

JIM
Well, I thought it was so you could get me something really, really nice for Christmas.

DELLA
I have a savings account. I don’t need to sell my hair.

JIM
Then why are you wearing that hat?

DELLA
Would you shut up about the hat! I didn’t have time to wash it today because I was in a hurry to go finish my Christmas shopping. So I wore a hat.

JIM
So you still have all your hair?

DELLA
Yes! Of course!

JIM
I think I’m going to be sick.

DELLA
Oh, shut up. I’m the one who's gonna have to take up tap dancing. Just to teach you a lesson.

JIM
I thought you sacrificed your hair that you love so much so you could get me NASCAR tickets that I love so much.

DELLA
Over my dead body!

JIM
So I decided to sell my kidneys that I love so much so I could give you something that you would love so much that I wouldn’t have to do it with you.

DELLA
You sold your kidneys? For a pair of tap shoes?

JIM
They’re really good tap shoes!

DELLA
You sold both your kidneys?!

JIM
I wasn’t gonna get you one shoe.

DELLA
Are you insane?!

JIM
And now I have to go to the opera!

DELLA
Ballet.

JIM
Oh, who care. I’ve got no kidneys. I gotta lie down. (He lays on the floor.)

DELLA
You did all this for a pair of tap shoes that I don’t even want?

JIM
And free lessons for a year. I’m not stupid.

DELLA
I’m pretty sure you are.

JIM
You’re taking those lessons!

DELLA
Why would you do this to yourself?

JIM
Because I love you! And I wanted to do something special for a change that we would remember forever instead of just stupid perfume and neckties again. This is the worst Christmas ever.

(She stares at him with disbelief as he lays on the floor moaning and hyperventilating.)

DELLA
(Sighs.) You don’t have to go to the ballet.

JIM
No, no, I’ll go.

DELLA
You don’t have to.

JIM
I want to, okay? When is it?

DELLA
They’re season tickets, we can go any time.

JIM
Fine. How about 3 weeks from now?

DELLA
Sure, whenever you want.

JIM
Three weeks, then. That’ll be perfect.

DELLA
(Beat.) Thank you.

JIM
Merry Christmas, honey.

DELLA
Merry Christmas.

(Beat. He lays there and wheezes. She turns and goes into the next room. She returns with a package that is obviously a shotgun swaddled in wrapping paper.)

JIM
What’s that?

DELLA
I wanted it to be a surprise.

JIM
Aw, honey. (He tries to get up. He can’t. He just lays there.) I knew you wouldn’t forget me.

DELLA
I knew you’d go with me to the ballet.

JIM
Of course I will. Absolutely. 3 weeks from now.

DELLA
Right, three weeks. (Beat.) Wait. Why three weeks?

JIM
Because they said I probably wouldn’t live that long.

(She glares at him. She cracks open the package and loads shotgun shells into the chamber.)

DELLA
No, you probably won’t.

(The End.)