by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
(Enter old PHIL, limping slightly.)
PETE Hey, Phil.
PHIL Hey, Pete.
PETE Big day today.
PHIL Yeah, its a big day. Its Groundhog Day. Its always a big day for us.
PETE I dunno, though. Looks bigger than normal this year. I think they got all of Punxsutawney out there today. Some of em I dont even recognize. Lotta guys with cameras. What do you think? Out of towners?
PHIL Those are the news crews.
PETE Ya think?
PHIL Theyre here every year.
PETE I wondered why they had so many cameras. So youre gonna be on TV.
PHIL For Petes Sake, Pete, of course Im gonna be on TV. They cover this event every year.
PETE If you say so, Phil. I guess youd know. Im just the understudy. Stay in the hole, thats what I do. Youre out there under the lights. Makin the call. Youd know. Thats what I always say. Ya wanna know whats what, just ask Phil.
PHIL I gotta get ready.
PETE Sure, no problem. Ill just stay outta your way. How you feelin, by the way?
PHIL Im good, Pete. Thanks for asking.
PETE Cuz you look a little tired.
PHIL I just woke up.
PETE Muscles a little stiff.
PHIL Im fine.
PETE Youre fine, now? Youre down from good to fine in, like, a minute. You want me to call someone?
PETE Phil, youre crashin, hog. We gotta get you to a vet or something. This sounds serious.
PHIL Pete, you are not going on.
PETE What ?
PHIL You are not going on for me. Not this year.
PETE You think-- Im surprised at you, Phil. I am shocked. Try to show a little concern for a guy, and this is the thanks. Accusations and suspicions is what I get.
PHIL Im not accusing you.
PETE No, fine, thats okay. You go on. Dont let me stop you. Go ahead and go out there with your arthritis acting up.
PHIL I dont have arthritis.
PETE Sure, you dont.
PHIL I dont!
PETE Lie to yourself if you want, I see you limpin in here every year.
PHIL Thats not a limp. Its an affectation. I do it for the kids.
PETE Your pirate impressions not foolin anyone in this burrow. You got a game leg, hog.
PHIL My leg is fine.
PETE Yeah, its fine until you go out there in front of everybody and pull a hammy dodging shadows. Im here for you, Phil. But those people out there? They dont care. You could win the Kentucky Derby for em, but you blow it in the Preakness and theyll put you down like a sick animal. Dont kid yourself. You are one slip-up away from being a wall mount at the Punxsutawney Lodge.
PHIL Thats ridiculous. They wouldnt do that.
PETE Oh, no? What do you think happened to Phil Senior?
PHIL My dad?
PETE I hear they dragged him away screaming after he was too fat to get out of the hole one year.
PHIL They took him to a health spa. To lose the weight.
PETE Yeah, but he never came back, did he?
PHIL Well, I--
PETE He embarrassed them, and they had him stuffed.
PHIL Thats not true.
PETE You never thought to ask, did you? You saw your chance at the spotlight, and you didnt even care what happened to your dad.
PHIL Hes down at the lodge?
PETE You walk by there and see for yourself. If you look in the window, you can see him stickin out over the fire place.
PHIL My God!
PETE And you keep limpin around on tender paws like that and theyre gonna start thinking you might look more majestic when youre not moving around so much.
PHIL I think Im gonna be sick.
PETE Nah, youre not gonna back out on me now. You can do this.
PHIL I cant. Pete, I cant. What if I blow it? I got a family! Whos gonna take care of little Phil the Third?
PETE Suck it up, hog. You want him to see his daddy like this? On national TV?
PHIL Oh no. The cameras! They add ten pounds. What if they think Im too fat?
PETE That was your dads issue. You gotta worry about your feet. Stop limping.
PHIL No, no, I cant do it.
PETE Yes, you can.
PHIL You gotta go on.
PETE I cant, Phil, Im not you.
PHIL You are now. Youre going on, Pete. I gotta go home. I gotta see my wife. I gotta get out of here.
PETE Phil, wait!
PHIL Break a leg, Pete.
(PHIL scurries off.)
PETE Well, Punxsutawney Pete The show must go on
(PETE strides out of the burrow into the light.)