by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2008

(LIGHTS UP ON: SOMEONE and FRIEND.)

SOMEONE. Have you ever had sex with someone without their knowing it?

FRIEND. Yep.

SOMEONE. You have?

FRIEND. Yep.

SOMEONE. When?

FRIEND. Doing it right now.

SOMEONE. What?!

FRIEND. You heard me.

SOMEONE. You’re having sex right now?

FRIEND. Yep.

SOMEONE. With someone without their knowing.

FRIEND. Has no idea.

SOMEONE. Who?

FRIEND. Can’t say.

SOMEONE. Why not?

FRIEND. Because if I told you, it wouldn’t be without your knowing.

SOMEONE. What??

FRIEND. Oops. Never mind.

SOMEONE. You think it’s me?

FRIEND. Nope.

SOMEONE. You think you’re having sex with me--

FRIEND. Nope.

SOMEONE. Right now--

FRIEND. Nope.

SOMEONE. Without my knowing it.

FRIEND. I deny the allegation!

SOMEONE. But that’s impossible.

FRIEND. I know! It’s ridiculous.

SOMEONE. We’re obviously not having sex.

FRIEND. Not even close.

SOMEONE. You’re just standing there.

FRIEND. Exactly. How could I possibly be doing something that we both know is completely out of the question?

SOMEONE. Right.

FRIEND. You’re not even my type.

SOMEONE. What’s that supposed to mean?

FRIEND. I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

SOMEONE. What does that have to do with anything?

FRIEND. There’s no chemistry. We could never be a couple.

SOMEONE. This isn’t about being a couple.

FRIEND. So you’re okay with this if it's a one time thing?

SOMEONE. Look, you can’t have sex with me without my knowing.

FRIEND. No means no. I got it.

SOMEONE. No, because it’s impossible.

FRIEND. Never gonna happen.

SOMEONE. It’s impossible to do.

FRIEND. Oh, you mean it’s physically impossible.

SOMEONE. Right!

FRIEND. Riiiiiight.

SOMEONE. So that’s settled.

FRIEND. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…

(Pause.)

(FRIEND leers at SOMEONE.)

(Pause.)

(SOMEONE has a female orgasm.)

SOMEONE. What the hell?

FRIEND. You’re welcome.

(BLACKOUT)