This is the one-act version of a new fight scene for Your Swash Is Unbuckled II, based on characters from the 2008 combat play Bridget of Bristol: The Bawdy Brigandess.


Bridget of Bristol: The Bawdy Brigandess

in

THE PRINCE IN THE POPPIES

a 20-minute roll-in-the-poppies for peasant girl and prince

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2009
YOUR SWASH IS UNBUCKLED BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR.
(A pastoral roadside. Enter a CHARMING PRINCE.)

PRINCE
Ah! What a fine morning for a sovereign prince to doff his crown and don the guise of a mere commoner to travel unnoticed among his unsuspecting subjects. Just like I've read in all the fairy books!

Why, if my courtiers could see me now, they should barely recognize me! For I have left behind my orb and scepter and all the outward shows of my inward nobility--especially that orb, which would have been a dead give away--and assumed the appearance of an impaupered peasant.
(He admires his reflection in an enormous bejeweled engagement ring he is wearing, but thinks nothing of it.)

And I have set out in quest of romance and adventure! Because romance has been in short supply around the castle of late, ever since I became engaged to the princess. What has she been telling people?

So I crept out of the castle this morning, alone and unaccompanied, save for my white stallion Monkey Business. And together, we galloped off into the rustic forests, which I had always heard surrounded my castle.

And, indeed, here I am! Standing in a field of poppies. While my horse sees a man about a horse in yond thicket. I like to give him his privacy.

What adventures shall befall me this day on my daring sojourn! Perhaps I shall rub elbows with the middle upper and upper middle classes. Or maybe even... the lower...upper middle class. Perhaps I shall meet a bawdy peasant girl, who will be charmed by a bouquet of poppies that I have hand-picked just for her! Or a bawdy serf or milkmaid, who will be smitten with me at first sight. Or maybe even a bawdy shepherd lass. Or a brewer. Bawdy nun, perhaps. Bawdy housewife.

O what a day full of promise this promises to be! But first I shall want a hearty breakfast. You there, serving wench!
(Enter a FEMALE BRIGAND.)

BRIGANDESS
What did you call me?

PRINCE
Yes, I did. Bring me a half side of bacon, some farm-fresh eggs, and a tall chalice of fresh-squeezed goat's milk. With a single persimmon peel curled into the shape of a rose blossom as a garnish.

BRIGANDESS
Who do you think you are?

PRINCE
Ah! I'm glad you asked. I am, of course, none other than an undistinguished peasant of no particular renown. Just one of many grateful but nameless subjects who dwell in the domain of the sovereign Prince Harry, your noble--I mean, our noble ruler, who, I'm sure you've heard, is every bit as dashing and handsome in person, as we've read about in all the tabloid proclamations. Now, about those eggs... Sunny side up. But not too sunny. More of a late autumn daybreak over an idyllic field of poppies.

BRIGANDESS
You realize this is not a restaurant?

PRINCE
Well, of course not. It's an idyllic field of poppies. Where do you think I got the idea for the eggs? But if it is not a restaurant per se, it is nonetheless the perfect place for an early morning repast, if I do say so myself.

BRIGANDESS
But you can't just stop anyone you like and order breakfast.

PRINCE
Of course, I can, I'm the prin--Oh, wait, I'm not him.

BRIGANDESS
You're not who?

PRINCE
Oh, no one in particular. Just some nameless noble who thinks he can order people about at his whim. When that is obviously not who I am, nor how we do things around here. ...I take it?

BRIGANDESS
No.

PRINCE
Well, I don't see why not. You are a serving wench, are you not?

BRIGANDESS
No, I'm a brigand.

PRINCE
And I passed a tavern not a half a mile back. Surely, you can fetch me something from there. That is your name isn't it? Shirley?

BRIGANDESS
No, it's Bridget. Bridget of Bristol. And I am no serving wench, but a notorious brigand.

PRINCE
Bridget of Bristol?

BRIGANDESS
Maybe you've heard of me?

PRINCE
No, but it's fun to say.

BRIGANDESS
Well, you should. I'm notorious.

PRINCE
Why then do you have the name "Shirley" embroidered on your bodice?

BRIGANDESS
Do I? I always wondered what that said. I'm not much for reading, I barely made it past the 3rd grade. But I hear the 4th grade is sex education, so I'm looking forward to starting back up in the fall.

PRINCE
Well, it does. It says, "Shirley".

BRIGANDESS
That must be because I purloined it from the Earl of Shirley, when he passed through these woods not two weeks ago.

PRINCE
Oo! Are you a larcenous laundress, then?

BRIGANDESS
No, a brigand.

PRINCE
Perhaps you are a bawdy fishwife, and this shirt washed up in your nets when the Earl was swimming upstream of you.

BRIGANDESS
No, I'm a brigand. I stole it from him at sword point.

PRINCE
But that's impossible. I saw the Earl of Shirley but yesterday. And he never mentioned an incident with a fishwife or a laundress.

BRIGANDESS
Because I'm a brigand!

PRINCE
He did say that he was beset by brigands, though, and recently, and in these very woods.

BRIGANDESS
That was me! I'm the brigands.

PRINCE
No, I'm afraid you're thinking of someone else. The brigands he described were a band of strapping young, heavily-armed woodsmen who set upon him and robbed him of all his worldly possessions.

BRIGANDESS
Woodsmen?! Is that the story he's telling?

PRINCE
Yes.

BRIGANDESS
Argh! So he didn't mention me at all?

PRINCE
No, I'm sure I would have remembered if there were a comely henchwoman involved. For Shirley would have been the laughingstock of the kingdom, if he ever admitted to such a thing. (laughs) Or principality rather, if you want to get technical.

BRIGANDESS
Argh! How shall I ever gain the notoriety I richly deserve, if every man I waylay lies about the encounter to his friends afterward to puff up his own manhood?

PRINCE
You haven't been with many men, have you?

BRIGANDESS
No. I was saving myself for 4th grade.

PRINCE
Yes, well... They do that. But fear not, your reputation shall be made today. For I, on the other hand, have no reason to lie about the bawdy encounter we are likely to have right after breakfast, as my own manhood is inflated enough it needs no further puffing. Though you are certainly welcome to try. Rest assured, though, that whatever transpires betwixt us here in the privacy of this lush pastoral setting, shall soon become the stuff of legends, immortalized in ballad and song and the occasional bawdy limerick throughout the land, wherever such tales are told. Now the bacon... I don't like it too crispy.

BRIGANDESS
I am beginning to gather that you are not the lowly peasant you appear to think you seem.

PRINCE
Oh, drat it! Am I that obvious? What gave me away? Was it my impeccable diction?

BRIGANDESS
No, your horse, actually. That's him over there, isn't it?

PRINCE
Monkey Business? He is rather a noble steed. I should have known he couldn't keep a secret.

BRIGANDESS
Yes, and he's got a gilded saddle and the sterling silver stirrups.

PRINCE
He refuses to leave the stable without them. Bit of a fop, as stallions go.

(Brigandess takes out a bejeweled rapier.)

BRIGANDESS
He had this sword on him, too.

PRINCE
The royal rapier! Give me that! It's mine!

BRIGANDESS
I would, but I want to see what it fetches on the open market.

PRINCE
It won't fetch anything. It's one-of-a-kind royal heirloom. I'm told it's priceless. Who would buy such a thing?

BRIGANDESS
Well, maybe I'll keep it then, as concrete evidence that once upon a time I waylaid a duke.

PRINCE
Concrete!? I'll have you know that those gemstones are genuine! And I am no duke!

BRIGANDESS
An earl then.

PRINCE
An earl?!? Give me that. (snatches the sword away from her) I don't know what sort of barn you grew up in.

BRIGANDESS
It was an A-frame.

PRINCE
But they ought to have taught you to pay proper respect to your elders, your parents, and your prince!

BRIGANDESS
My prince?

PRINCE
Oh, pox on my wagging tongue! My charade is foiled. Well, I was never good at parlor games. It's true, you have found me out. I am your prince.

BRIGANDESS
I don't think I need a prince.

PRINCE
Nonsense, everybody needs a prince.

BRIGANDESS
Do you need a prince?

PRINCE
Well, everyone but me needs one.

BRIGANDESS
Why, what are they good for?

PRINCE
Any number of things. Taxation, for example. You wouldn't have taxes without me.

BRIGANDESS
I don't pay taxes.

PRINCE
That's lucky. Probably shouldn't have mentioned the taxes anyway. Not very popular. Well, there's also topiary. The palace grounds would be completely devoid of sculptured hedges and commemorative statues without someone like myself to model for them.

BRIGANDESS
So you're a stonecutter's assistant?

PRINCE
No.

BRIGANDESS
You're a gardener?

PRINCE
No!

BRIGANDESS
Then what?

PRINCE
Who do all the effigies in the palace garden resemble?

BRIGANDESS
I wouldn't know. I've never been to the palace.

PRINCE
Oh, you're impossible!

BRIGANDESS
And you are unimpressive.

PRINCE
All right, I didn't want to bring this up until I got to know you better. And you started the 4th grade. But if you must know, I am also quite an accomplished lover.

BRIGANDESS
Don't you mean to say that you're a skilled lover?

PRINCE
Aren't they the same thing?

BRIGANDESS
Not exactly.

PRINCE
What's the difference?

BRIGANDESS
If you were to make love to Snow White and all seven of her dwarves at one go, that would be an accomplishment.

PRINCE
Indeed!

BRIGANDESS
If none of them was grumpy after, that would take skill.

PRINCE
Ah! Then I am accomplished. "Quantity over quality," I always say.

BRIGANDESS
You really are useless.

PRINCE
You would do well not to mock me. I may not look it in these hand-me-down capes, but I am a person of considerable wealth and influence.

BRIGANDESS
Then give me the wealth, and you may keep your influence for another day.

PRINCE
You will receive your tip at the end of the meal, madam, and not a moment before!

BRIGANDESS
I am not a waitress! I am a brigand!

PRINCE
You? A brigand? Young lady, you are profoundly mistaken.

BRIGANDESS
I think I would know.

PRINCE
You are a brigandess at best.

BRIGANDESS
Yes, it's the same thing.

PRINCE
Not in the least. A brigand and a brigandess have as much in common as a barkeep and a barwench.

BRIGANDESS
Which are also the same!

PRINCE
Not at all.

BRIGANDESS
What's the difference?

PRINCE
One of them keeps a bar, and the other is the only reason to go into one.

BRIGANDESS
I thought beer was the reason to go into a bar.

PRINCE
Balderdash! A man may drink beer in a barn. But wenches are what separates a pub from a pigsty.

BRIGANDESS
What about pigs?

PRINCE
No, from what I've seen, they've both got pigs. At least, that's what I think I saw waiting tables at the tavern I just passed. That's why I didn't go in.

BRIGANDESS
That pig is my good cousin Curley O'Hurlihy, I'll have you know. And he cannot help it if he is big-boned! And born with a vestigial tail.

PRINCE
Nor can a pig.

BRIGANDESS
Argh!! I was going to spare you a drubbing out of pity for your pitiable love-making. But now you drag my extended family into it, you have enraged me past what a working woman should have to bear! Prepare to be purloined! ...from.

(She attacks. They fight.)

PRINCE
All right, but I warn you, I am as skilled at arms as any man at court. For I am undefeated in over fifty practice bouts. And some two hundred more where my opponents simply threw down their weapons and surrendered before I even drew my blade.

BRIGANDESS
I think I'll take my chances.

PRINCE
I admire your spunk. But aren't you afraid that when I'm done with you, I may attempt to ravage you?

BRIGANDESS
Or maybe I'll ravage you.

PRINCE
You wouldn't!

(She disarms him. He pretends he did it on purpose.)

PRINCE
Very well then, I surrender.

BRIGANDESS
I would have thought an unbeaten swordsman would be harder defeated.

PRINCE
Well, admittedly, when it's a man threatens to ravage me. I put up a better fight.

BRIGANDESS
Not to worry, I have no designs upon your honor. Only your money. Now, hand it over.

PRINCE
Ah! The negotiation phase. As a statesman, this is where I truly shine, allow me: You desire money. I have no money. Well, I guess that settles that.

BRIGANDESS
Oh, malarkey! Turn out your pockets.

PRINCE
I am penniless. I swear it!

BRIGANDESS
A penniless prince? Do you take me for a fool?

PRINCE
No, but it seems you hope to take me for one! But unlike the insipid Earl of Shirley, I do not leave the castle, alone and unescorted, with all my worldly possessions in my pockets.

BRIGANDESS
No? Because judging by the bulge in your bloomers, you have your weight in pound notes stuffed into that codpiece.

PRINCE
I'm sorry to disappoint you, lass, but my codpiece is skintight.

BRIGANDESS
Ha! If what you say is true... I'm not sure why you think that would be a disappointment.

PRINCE
All of my treasures are safely locked away back at the castle. You have robbed the only man in the land without a shilling to his name. But fear not, you shan't go home empty-handed. For I am still quite taken with your spunk, and I've decided to reward you for it. So how about if I seduce you, and we call it even?

BRIGANDESS
How is that even?

PRINCE
Did I mention I'm an accomplished love maker?

BRIGANDESS
A minute ago, you were an accomplished swordsman. I'm not sure your self-opinions speak well of your skills.

PRINCE
I haven't had any complaints.

BRIGANDESS
Oh, you poor thing. If you've had no complaints, then you're not doing it right.

PRINCE
That seems counterintuitive.

BRIGANDESS
A woman only wastes her breath on a man if he's worth fixing.

PRINCE
She does?

BRIGANDESS
Do you feed your peasants when they're starving?

PRINCE
No, it's cheaper to get new ones.

BRIGANDESS
And do you bother to whip a horse when he's already gone lame?

PRINCE
No, that's what we feed the peasants.

BRIGANDESS
You see?

PRINCE
It still seems to defy logic.

BRIGANDESS
You haven't been with many women, have you?

PRINCE
I've been with any number of women.

BRIGANDESS
But none more than once.

PRINCE
I don't like to repeat myself.

BRIGANDESS
There's your trouble. Repeat customers are the surest sign of success at any endeavor.

PRINCE
In that case, I shall have to make love to you twice.

BRIGANDESS
No, deal! I'd rather see what's behind that codpiece.

PRINCE
(snickers) You want to see it?

BRIGANDESS
That's right. Show me what you've got.

PRINCE
But I'm afraid the only valuables I have on me are the family jewels.

BRIGANDESS
That'll have to do. Hand them over!

(The Prince snickers.)

BRIGANDESS
What?

PRINCE
Nothing.

BRIGANDESS
Then let me have the family jewels. And be quick about it. And quit snickering.

PRINCE
All right, if you insist.

BRIGANDESS
I do. I insist.

PRINCE
Then prepare to feast your eyes, and your hands if you like, on Prince Harry's royal jewels!

(He drops his pantaloons.)

BRIGANDESS
Holy Saint Johnson!!

PRINCE
Thanks. I get that a lot.

BRIGANDESS
What in the name of all that's unspeakable is that?!

PRINCE
That, as you so loudly put it, is my--

(She kicks him resoundingly in the groin.)

PRINCE
Gah!

(She drops her sword and hurls herself upon him, pins him to the ground, and punches him repeatedly in the groin.)

BRIGANDESS
Back! Back ye devil! Hie thee to whatever unholy damnation ye sprang out of!

PRINCE
Ow! Oh! Oy!

(She refrains from punching him long enough to go fetch her sword. He curls up in a fetal position.)

PRINCE
Sweet preservation...

(She comes back and attempts to stab him in the groin.)

PRINCE
What?! No! Stop! What are you doing?

BRIGANDESS
Hold still, man! There's a great squirming serpent devouring your loins! Die, devil wyrm!

PRINCE
Madwoman! Those are my loins!

BRIGANDESS
Those're your loins?

PRINCE
Of course!

BRIGANDESS
All that's loins?

PRINCE
Yes!

BRIGANDESS
You're kidding.

PRINCE
No, I'm not!

BRIGANDESS
What, are ye deformed?!

PRINCE
I think I am now.

BRIGANDESS
I've heard stories of such creatures dwelling in men's drawers. But they always turned out to be magical gnomes. Or tiny damsel-devouring dragons. Not loins. And you say it's attached?

(She tries to grab him.)

PRINCE
Keep your hands off of me! Have you no respect for my princely anatomy?!

BRIGANDESS
It is princely, I'll give ye that. Let me see it again.

PRINCE
No! Back away, she-devil! Or I shall have you brought up on charges of treason!

BRIGANDESS
Treason?!

PRINCE
You have just done more to damage the line of succession than any amount of inbreeding and syphilis. If I have no heir, it's on your head. Oh, I shall be swollen tomorrow. And not the kind of swollen one generally prefers.

BRIGANDESS
Well, it serves you right, if you expected me to make love to that monster.

PRINCE
He's not a monster! Ohh...

BRIGANDESS
Well, he's not a magical gnome.

PRINCE
I suppose you'd prefer one smaller but with a good sense of humour?

BRIGANDESS
It's not the size of the blade, but the skill of the wielder that counts.

PRINCE
Yes, and I'll have you know I count myself skilled in all manner of courtly arts.

BRIGANDESS
Well, unless one of them is foreplay...

(He grabs her and kisses her. She melts.)

BRIGANDESS
I can't wait for 4th grade.

(She grabs him and kisses him back. They both pause to catch their breath.)

BRIGANDESS
What else did they teach you at court?

PRINCE
Do you know what a fingerbowl is?

(Her knees buckle. He catches her.)

BRIGANDESS
Whoops. Wow. Little weak in the knees.

PRINCE
I shall take you to places you've never been before. And make love to you in those places.

BRIGANDESS
What kind of places?

PRINCE
Have you ever been to a poppy field?

BRIGANDESS
Yes.

PRINCE
Well, I haven't. So let's start with that.

BRIGANDESS
Now hold on...

PRINCE
Imagine a life of luxury beyond your wildest dreams. Imagine days of lavish splendor, and nights of endless passion. Decadent treasures and hedonistic delights.

BRIGANDESS
I could give up my life of crime, and food service. I could have my own name embroidered on my bosom.

PRINCE
Shirley, I love thee.

BRIGANDESS
Bridget.

PRINCE
Yes, of course. Take off your blouse.

BRIGANDESS
I beg your pardon! That's presumptuous, even for a prince.

PRINCE
I know, but it says "Shirley" on the embroidery and the man is a friend of mine, so it takes me quite out of the proper frame of mind.

BRIGANDESS
I see.

PRINCE
But if we both remove our shirts--I'm sure it will be easier for me to remember your name.

BRIGANDESS
Do you mean it?

PRINCE
From this moment forth, there shall be no other woman for me, but you. No other whispered name shall cross my lips, save that of-- What was your name again?

(She slaps him.)

BRIGANDESS
You're a liar!

PRINCE
I, a liar!? How could you possibly think that?! So soon?

BRIGANDESS
That ring! That jewel-bestudded ring upon your finger!

(She has just noticed the enormous jeweled engagement ring he is wearing.)

PRINCE
Oh that, um...

BRIGANDESS
You swore to me you had no treasure upon you.

PRINCE
Oh, but this is nothing. It's just my engagement ring. Here, you can have it.

BRIGANDESS
You're engaged?!?!?! (takes the ring) I'll take it.

PRINCE
Well, yes. But barely.

BRIGANDESS
How dare you seduce me under pretense of being a charming, handsome and available prince?! When there is obviously a princess back at the castle to whom you have already betrothed your love, and everything that goes with it.

PRINCE
Well, not everything.

(He tries to kiss her again.)

BRIGANDESS
Unfondle me, you fiend! I shall never forgive you for this!

(She attacks. They fight.)

PRINCE
Wait, let me explain! I admit, there is a princess back at the castle to whom I have sworn my undying love...

BRIGANDESS
Yes?

PRINCE
But she's back at the castle.

BRIGANDESS
Oh! You!

(She attacks with renewed vigor. They fight. She defeats him and holds him at sword point.)

PRINCE
Wait! You didn't let me finish!

BRIGANDESS
Well, they'll be your last words, so make 'em famous.

PRINCE
(thinking on his feet) There is a princess to whom I have sworn my love, who is back at the castle, waiting for me to return to her arms and marry her and make her lord of half my estate, and rule forever with me in peace and universal harmony...

BRIGANDESS
Yes?

PRINCE
...But she means nothing to me!

BRIGANDESS
That's better.

(She throws herself into his arms again and kisses him.)

BRIGANDESS
I knew a prince this charming couldn't be all bad. Will you take me back to the castle now and make sweet love to me in the lavish splendor of your royal bedchamber?

PRINCE
Yes, or there's a bedroll on my white stallion.

BRIGANDESS
That's not very royal.

PRINCE
The horse is royal.

BRIGANDESS
How do I know your intentions are honorable? And you aren't just saying all this to get me topless in the poppies?

PRINCE
Can't I do both?

BRIGANDESS
Then you truly mean what you have said?

PRINCE
Every word of it.

BRIGANDESS
So the princess?

PRINCE
Means nothing to me!

BRIGANDESS
And Shirley's shirt?

PRINCE
Distracts me terribly!

BRIGANDESS
And the life of lavish luxury?

PRINCE
I said imagine it.

BRIGANDESS
Hmm. All right, but I'd better not have to imagine the nights of endless passion.

PRINCE
Rest assured, my sweet, when it comes to love making, I am never disappointed.

(They roll in the poppies.)

BRIGANDESS
O prince...

PRINCE
O barwench...

BRIGANDESS
(correcting) Bridget.

PRINCE
O midget...

BRIGANDESS
Bridget!!

PRINCE
Sorry, you got me thinking about dwarves earlier.

(She rolls him over and straddles him.)

BRIGANDESS
Who would have thought when I left my hovel this morning to rob travelers on the high road that I myself would have my heart stolen by an accomplished prince. Who would make me one of his accomplishments right here in the poppy fields of Bristol. That I, Bridget the Brigand, would become legendary not for my swordplay, but my foreplay. Not for acts of thievery, but acts of indecent exposure on a public thoroughfare. You know, maybe we should move a bit farther off the road.

PRINCE
O brigandess...

BRIGANDESS
Be with you in a minute, prince. To think that I, after a lifetime of disappointments, should finally find myself in the arms of a lover who is never disapp-- Wait a moment. What do you mean, when you say that you are never disappointed?

(The Prince snores loudly.)

BRIGANDESS
Argh!!

~ FIN ~