Episode... Maroon!(5)

by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2003

 

           "Meanwhile, on the other side of the Universe..."

(MR. ANGRY PANTS mopes on a faraway planet.)

(Enter FARAWAY PLANETEER.)

FARAWAY PLANETEER

Greetings, I am Faraway Planeteer! Don't get up.

           (MR. ANGRY PANTS wasn't going to get up.)

I travel the universe, looking for strange new planets - such as this one - to discover and explore and report back to my "home world" all the wonders I have found...

           (FARAWAY PLANETEER notices MR. ANGRY PANTS for the first time.)

And wonder of wonders! What have me here?

It seems that somebody else has already discovered this undiscovered heavenly body way ahead of me.

Greetings, friend!

(MR. ANGRY PANTS pretends to ignore FARAWAY PLANETEER, even though they are the only two people on the whole planet.)

Is something wrong, friend? You act like a fellow who danced with his best friend's girl and now feels so riddled with guilt that he's exiled himself on this obscure and remote planetoid in a distant part of the galaxy so no one will ever know the cause of his shame.

           MR. ANGRY
DON'T CALL ME THAT!!

           FARAWAY PLANETEER
Ahoy! So it's true!

           MR. ANGRY
No, it's not! He wasn't my friend. She wasn't his girl. I'm not riddled with guilt. And this planet obviously isn't remote enough!!

           FARAWAY PLANETEER
Oh, look! A celestial phenomenon.

           (A CELESTIAL PHENOMENON passes through.)

           FARAWAY PLANETEER
How exquisite.

           MR. ANGRY
I hate this planet!

           FARAWAY PLANETEER
I do, too, now that I know that someone else has already spelunked it. This planet is damaged goods. How it bores me. Ugh! What a useless orb! It's so very been-there-and-done-that. Well, I'd best be going!

           (MR. ANGRY PANTS has a last-second pang of conscience.)

           MR. ANGRY
Wait! Before you go...

           FARAWAY PLANETEER
(eagerly) Yes?! Yes?! Is there some message of friendship and reconciliation you would like me to convey to some person back on your home world if by some chance my travels should ever take me to that faraway planet with that faraway person on it?

           MR. ANGRY
You take all the fun out of everything!!

...The End...

           ANNOUNCER
Tune in next time, when Faraway Planeteer says...

           FARAWAY PLANETEER
Farewell, friend! And in parting, allow me to leave you with these words of comfort...
There is a secret nuclear weapon hidden somewhere on this planet that is set to go off in 24 hours, destroying all life. G'bye.

           (Beat.)

           MR. ANGRY
What?!

           (BLACKOUT)

© 2003 Jeff Goode - "TIGER-TIGER YUM-YUM" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR