CRAZY WORM
Hello, I'm Crazy Worm Guy. (Beat.) Hi.
           (He seems upset.)
I think I may have murdered my very best friend in the whole wide world, Mr. Angry Pants. (sotto) "Don't call me that".

I am filled with such remorse over how badly he must have suffered. While I was killing him. That now I am suffering! From remorse!!

My only recourse is to have my remorse removed at a place that does that sort of thing. Like a hospital or a church.

           (He tries to think of a place.)

Oh, I know! A church!

We could go to the First Church of Holy Godliness! Come on.

           (He walks)

Hey, you know what? We should sing while we go there. So God knows we're coming.

           (He walks and sings)

La la lala lalala! ...Here we are!

           FATHER SISTER
Hello, my child.

           CRAZY WORM
Hello, God.

           (She blushes.)

           FATHER SISTER
Oh, no, I'm not God. I'm Father-Sister O'Mary O'Fudge.

           CRAZY WORM
Hello, I'm Crazy Worm Guy.

           FATHER SISTER
Hi, Crazy Worm Guy.

           CRAZY WORM
Hi!

           FATHER SISTER
Welcome to the First Church of Holy Godliness of Christ on the Cross Dying for your Sins.

           CRAZY WORM
It's good to be here.

           FATHER SISTER
It's godly to be here.

           CRAZY WORM
Did you say you were a father, sister?

           FATHER SISTER
That's right. Father-Sister O'Mary O'Fudge. The first ever fully-ordained all-female Roman Catholic priest.

           CRAZY WORM
Wow. I didn't know catholic priests came in girls.

           (Pause, while they both decide not to go there.)

           FATHER SISTER
They don't. The Pope would never approve. Not yet, anyway. That's why I'm here.

           CRAZY WORM
How do you mean?

           FATHER SISTER
Well, you see, before anything can happen in real life. We have to be able to imagine it happening... In our imaginations.

           CRAZY WORM
Oooh!

           FATHER SISTER
So here I am! The first ever fully-ordained female Roman Catholic priest.

           CRAZY WORM
Oh, I see. So you do have the approval of the Pope.

           FATHER SISTER
That's right. In fact, we're getting married. See?

           (She shows him the ring, which is imaginary.)

           CRAZY WORM
Wow. Look at the size of that diamond. It must be...
           (He realizes it can be any size he wants it to be.)
Seven billion carats!!

           FATHER SISTER
And I'm a lesbian.

           CRAZY WORM
This is fun. Next let's make a black president.

           FATHER SISTER
All right. But first, didn't you have something you wanted to talk to me about? Something you'd like to confess that's been weighing on your conscience like a heavy burden you've been yearning to unload?

           (Silence.)

           CRAZY WORM
Gosh, I don't remember now.

...The End...

           ANNOUNCER
Tune in next time, when the Father-Sister says...

           FATHER SISTER
In nomine patri, et madri, et familia canni. Amen.

           CRAZY WORM
Oh! I remember---

           FATHER SISTER
I said Amen!!

           (BLACKOUT)