UBU

a play for children

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 1994


UBU: A PLAY FOR CHILDREN IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND SHOULD NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S PERMISSION.
---------- Scene 1 ----------

(Ubu enters, stands at centerstage)
(He looks normal enough.)
(Suddenly:)

Ubu (bronx cheer:)
THPHPTHPTHTHPPP!!

Mrs U (entering:)
Ubu!! What are you doing? Oh, that's a nice habit. What a disgusting person you are.

Ubu
Who are you??

Mrs U
I'm your wife, Ubu, as you know very well. We've been married for fifteen years.

Ubu (aside:)
I've never seen this woman before in my life.

(Mrs U takes him by the arm.)

Mrs U (nonchalant:)
Oh, Ubu, you comedian, you always know how to make me laugh.

(all the while, Ubu screams wildly and struggles to get away.)
How I love it when you joke around, pretending you don't know me - your loving wife - when obviously you're just teasing.
(Ubu manages to break free.)

Ubu
If you're my wife, then who am I?

Mrs U
Why do I have to explain everything to you? Isn't it obvious that you are, Ubu, the former King of Aragon, and now the Captain of Dragoons in the royal army of Poland, second-in-command to King Wenceslas himself.

Ubu
So, I'm a soldier, huh?

(Ubu draws his sword, and waves it about swashbucklingly)

Mrs U
Yes, Ubu, that's the spirit. Now you're acting like the man I wish I married.

Ubu
If I'm a soldier, then I should kill something.

(Ubu glances around. Mrs U is the only person onstage. He advances toward her, menacingly.)

Mrs U
Wait, Ubu. If you're going to act like a barbarian, I think there's someone else you might want to brutalize first.

Ubu
Huh? What do you mean by that?

Mrs U
Ubu, are you content with your lot in life?

Ubu
Are you kidding me? I just found out I'm a soldier, a Captain of Dragoons, and second-in-command to King Wenceslas himself. And if that weren't enough, you said I'm the ex-King of Aragon, too. What more could I want?

Mrs U
Oh, Ubu, do you mean to tell me that, after being the King of Aragon, that you could be content with merely commanding a battalion in the Polish army?

Ubu
Yes! ...No! ...I don't know! What are you talking about?

Mrs U
Wouldn't you like to hold a royal scepter in your hand again? Wouldn't you like to wear a crown upon your royal noodle again? Maybe even the crown of Poland?

Ubu
Ah! Yes! ...Wait a minute, Poland already has a king, King Wenceslas. And what if he dropped dead right now? Doesn't he have royal offspring to take his place?

Mrs U
Yes, he has several children, but what's to keep you from slaughtering the whole family and setting yourself up as King?

Ubu (he thinks about it:)
Hmmm.

(suddenly:)
THAT'S THE STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD!!

Mrs U
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A GOOD IDEA IF IT BIT YOU ON THE BEHIND!!

Ubu (threatening:)
Maybe you'll have more respect for my behind when it's sitting on your head.

Mrs U
If I were you, Ubu, I'd want to put my behind on the Royal Throne of Poland. Think about it. You would be enormously wealthy, and you could have anything you wanted.

Ubu
Hmmm.

Mrs U
You would have guards and attendants to fetch you things...

Ubu
And a cape?

Mrs U
And a big cape and ermine robes like you had when you were King of Aragon...

Ubu
And an umbrella?

Mrs U
And a big umbrella, and servants to fan you with palm leaves whenever you break a sweat.

(aside:)
Which is most of the time.

Ubu
All right, I'll do it. King Wenceslas, better watch out. If I ever meet him in a dark alley...

(Ubu slashes about with his sword.)

Mrs U
That's it, Ubu, now you're a real man. You'll be the King, and I'll be your Queen. And when we ride down the street in our royal carriage our obedient subjects will shout: "Long live King Ubu and his beautiful, beautiful Queen!"

Ubu
Wait a minute! Me - a Captain of Dragoons - murder the King who I've sworn to protect. I won't do it!! What if I got hurt?

Mrs U
But, Ubu, what about your cape, and your umbrella?

Ubu (stomps out, shouting:)
What about 'em? Who cares? I don't care! Big deal!

(He is gone. Mrs U is alone.)

Mrs U
What a jerk. Still, I think I've put an idea into his empty head. With God's help, and my own, in a week or two maybe, I'll be Queen of Poland!

(Mrs U exits.)


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