PATRIOTISM COMES IN THREES
by Jeff Goode
(Lights up on Nick and Jeff. Jeff does most of the talking.)
Patriotism comes in threes.
What do you mean?
Just what I said. Patriotism comes in threes.
That's where George Bush screwed up originally when he just came right out and said:
"Hey, let's bomb Iraq."
Because everyone was like... uh, no, the U.S. has never launched an unprovoked war.
We kind of just fought a war about NOT invading other countries when you don't like the way they're run. We sorta believe in LIFE, LIBERTY and that other stuff, and killing people and putting them in prison for indefinite periods of time is sort of the OPPOSITE of all that. And according to the CIA - if you can believe them - there are no known links between Iraq and Al Qaeda. I mean, sure they both hate America, and maybe some Al Qaedans have been on their soil, but if that's why we're doing this shouldn't we be bombing Saudi Arabia, or Yemen, or Germany?
Yeah, that's fucked up.
But then somebody took the President aside and reminded him of the old rule that PATRIOTISM COMES IN THREES so then he starts saying:
Yeah!!! That's what I like to hear!
Now you're talking! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
But that's the thing. You have to do it in threes. You can't just go:
What are you, psycho?
And you can't do it in twos either.
What are you, an idiot?
You gotta do it in three.
Yeah! Damn right! You got a problem with that?
If you do it in threes, anything can sound patriotic.
It doesn't even have to be GOOD for the country.
You could do something completely horrible for the country
Where even the military experts are saying this will only INCREASE the danger of terrorist attacks on Americans.
You could even insist on going in with ground troops so that you're GUARANTEEING the death of hundreds, and maybe thousands of Americans.
But as long as you do it in threes it sounds patriotic and anyone who disagrees with you is automatically unpatriotic, even if they love this country way more than you do.
All right that's it! I've heard enough out of you, you... ENEMY COMBATANT!
(Nick strangles him while singing GOD BLESS AMERICA)
LET THE STRANGULATION GO ON AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.
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