Hate Like An American
by Jeff Goode
(A FOREIGN PERSON and an AMERICAN. Perhaps they have been out drinking together all night. Or perhaps they are meeting on the street for the first time. But this is their conversation...)
I just have one question.
Why do you hate us for our freedom?
You hate us for our freedom. Why?
What are you talking about?
We know you hate us for our freedom. I just want to know why.
That's ridiculous! We don't hate your freedom. Why should we hate freedom?
You hate something.
We hate your immorality! We hate you because you are immoral. Because you make fun of our religion because we pray 5 times a day. But your God tells you to hang stockings by the chimney at night and rides in a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer. And that's not ridiculous?
We hate you because you say this is the land of opportunity. But when we come here you tell us to go home. "Go back where you come from!" you say, "There is no opportunity for you here."
We hate you because you hate everyone. And you hate yourself. And by hating you, we are just like you. We hate you because hating you makes us feel like an American.
(FOREIGN PERSON storms out in disgust. AMERICAN never thought about it like that, says nothing.)