copyright © 2006 Jeff Goode

War Logicteering:
The War Over There

by Jeff Goode

I think we can all agree that War is Hell.
War is bad. War is horrible.
I think even the liberals will admit that War is the worst thing in the whole entire world.

And it is our responsibility, as decent human beings, and as Americans, to do everything in our power to make sure that it NEVER EVER HAPPENS…


So logically, if we have the option of making sure that a War happens Over There,
It goes without saying that it’s better than having one Over Here.
And that means that any War, anywhere else but Here, is by definition, a good thing.
And the more War the better.
Because you can never have too much of a good thing.

Over There, that is.

Only a dirty bastard would want a War that takes place Here.
A dirty, nasty, filthy liberal would let the horrors of War show their ugly face Over Here.
Where we live.

(Awkward silence.)

Unfortunately… As wonderful and constructive as War is — And it’s always good. Every time. - As long as it’s not happening Here. — there’s no such thing as a War that takes place Over There.

Every War in the world takes place in the world we all live in. And it’s a mistake to think that you can somehow confine the War to a special playground on the other side of the world, and none of it will spill over into any of the other parts of the world.

War never happens Over There.
It always happens Right Here.

You may be able to confine most of the explosions to Over There. But the horrors of War always hit home, at home.

Because even if the War is Way Over There - or even Way, Way Over There - you have to come back over Here to get the people to fight the War Over There. You have to pull them out of their jobs Here, to go There and kill the people Over There that need killing. And unfortunately that means letting some of the people from Over Here get their guts blown out Over There in the process.

It means someone’s going to have to shovel those guts into body bags and ship them back to their mothers Over Here. And that means their mothers, their families, and sometimes their whole communities are going to get to experience first hand the same horribleness of War that the people Over There are enjoying for free in the comfort of their own home.

And it’s free for them, because the people Over Here are the ones footing the bill for the price of War. And that means people Over Here who support the War Over There are going to have to explain to the other people Over Here - who can’t get it through their thick heads that War is always a good and wonderful thing - why the hell we’re spending their tax dollars on something that’s all the way Over There that they wouldn’t want even if it was Right Here because the whole thing is bad for business.

Because people are going to cut back and make do and skip vacations and make sacrifices for the War effort. It means businesses Over Here are going to suffer the consequences when we get boycotted by countries Over There or Near Over There who disagree with our stance on a War that, for them, is not so much "Over There" as it is "Kinda Right Near Here".

It means the price of things is going to go up, Over Here
And problems are going to be overlooked, Over Here.

Because all the trivial bullshit that seemed oh-so-important during peacetime - Like public safety. And healthcare. And the safety of our children Over Here. - is going to take a back seat to the things that really matter:
Like making it unsafe for them Over There. Depriving them of their health. And killing their children. Over There.
And NOT because we want to kill their children. No, of course not.
But it’s a HELL of a lot better than killing our own.
So logically, the more of their dead children, the better.
Even if some of ours have to die to do it.

And that means families and friendships Over Here are going to be torn apart because half the country is stuck on this idea that War is somehow a bad thing. And the other half is stuck on the fact that people who don’t think War is a good thing shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on War or discuss it or even think about it. And they certainly shouldn’t have a say in deciding whether we have a War or not.

Because let’s face it, only people who wholeheartedly support a War have the necessary experience and qualifications to decide how much support the War they want should get.
So this whole debate is really pointless since we all agreed right from the very beginning that War is a good thing.
That War is the best thing in the world.
That we must do everything in our power to make War.

(Long pause. Remembers there’s one last line.)

…Over There.