Emancipation
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2009
(AVNER, JANES and EVAN are whittlin on the front stoop. Enter LYNCH.) | |
JANES | Mornin to ya, Neighbor Lynch. |
LYNCH | It surely is, Deacon Janes. Mornin, Avner. You mind if I set a spell? |
AVNER | Pull up a whittlin stump. |
EVAN | Looks like its like to be another hot one. |
(Enter BAGGOT.) | |
JANES | Mornin, Grocer Baggot. |
BAGGOT | Aw, whats good about it? |
JANES | Never said it was good, I said it was mornin. |
BAGGOT | Thats exactly what it is, and dont you forget it! Its a time o mournin in the land, is what it is, from this day forward. |
AVNER | Now what kinda call have you got to be so snippety? |
EVAN | Sound like you got a hornet in your bonnet, Grocer Baggot. |
BAGGOT | A hornets about right! Aint none o you heard the news? Well, this oughta make you, at least, happy, Avner. I just come from over to the general store, and theyre saying it sounds like that President o yours is thinkin about planning on freein the slaves. |
EVAN | What the--?! |
LYNCH | No! |
JANES | That aint funny. |
BAGGOT | (to AVNER) I hope youre happy! |
AVNER | (madder than the rest) Oh, for the love o damnation! Why would you think thatd make me happy? |
BAGGOT | I thought I heard tell you was one o them abolitioners whats always goin round belly-achin about emancification. |
AVNER | Hell, no! I oughta knock you sideways for sayin it. |
LYNCH | But dont you run a stop on the Underground Railroad? |
AVNER | And so what if I do? It aint nobodys business if a mans got a right to practice his freedom o religion in the privacy of his own fruit cellar. |
EVAN | Whats religion got to do with helpin runaway slaves? |
AVNER | Dont you read the Bible, Evan?! |
EVAN | Well, when you put it that way, I guess I see your point. |
LYNCH | Theres slavery in the Bible? Where at? |
AVNER | Where in the Bible? Hell, I dont know. Why do you think I go to church? So I dont have to read it myself. Deacon Janes? |
JANES | Well, what about the Old Testament? |
AVNER | There ya go! |
BAGGOT | What about the time God freed the slaves outta Israel? |
AVNER | Amen! |
EVAN | I thought Moses freed the slaves outta Israel. |
BAGGOT | Now, that is just plain blasphemy! |
EVAN | Sorry. |
BAGGOT | God freed the slaves. Moses was just following orders. Moses was a slave himself. Hows he gonna free anybody? |
EVAN | I said I was sorry. |
AVNER | Thats like saying Harriet Tubman runs the Underground Railroad when anybody knows shes a conductor at best. |
LYNCH | More of a baggage handler, aint she? |
JANES | Maybe a caboosineer. |
BAGGOT | So when it come to pass that God decided it was high time to free the slaves, he turns to Moses and says, "Okay, free yourself." And Moses does. And thats the story o the Old Testament. |
EVAN | But whats that got to do with our current state of current events? |
AVNER | Because it means that God is agin slavery. Right there in black and white. |
JANES | And sometimes red. |
LYNCH | Yeah, but them was Jewish slaves. Everybody knows Jews make the worst slaves. |
AVNER | That is so close-minded. Have you ever enslaved a Hebrew? |
LYNCH | What? No, of course not. I never been outta Kentucky. |
AVNER | They might make mighty fine slaves, for all you know. Who do you think built the pyramids? |
LYNCH | It was the Egyptians, wasnt it? |
AVNER | The Pharaohs slaves built the pyramids. And that was the Hebrews. |
JANES | But they were just following orders, like he said, so really it was the Pharaoh built the pyramids, seein as it was all his idea. |
BAGGOT | Thats the trouble with you abolitioners. Always trying to give slaves credit for something they didnt do. Next youll be sayin its slaves pick all the cotton and take it to market and make all the money that keeps the southern half of our economy going strong. |
AVNER | Now youre puttin words in my mouth. I never said slaves was good for the economy. |
EVAN | But aint they, though? I mean, isnt that what all the fussin and fightins about? All them plantations down south need slaves to keep makin the cotton to survive. |
BAGGOT | (to AVNER) You see what youve gone and done? (to EVAN) God makes the cotton, Evan. The plantation owns the cotton. Slaves is just the middleman. The South dont need no slaves to survive. If they freed every last one of em tomorrow, the cottond still get itself picked the day after. |
EVAN | How? |
LYNCH | I hear Hebrews is excellent slaves. |
JANES | Now youre just talkin foolish. |
BAGGOT | Southern ingenuity, thats how. |
LYNCH | Are you sayin white folksd pick the cotton? |
JANES | That seems a mite far-fetched. |
BAGGOT | Course not. Why would they wanna go and do what they already got plenty enough black folks doin already? |
EVAN | Not if the President gets his way, they wont. Will they? |
BAGGOT | Well, think about it. Put yourselves in their shoes a minute. |
LYNCH | No, thank you. I got enough trouble lacing up my own boots. |
BAGGOT | Supposin you was a slave. And you spent your whole life bein a slave. So youd be pretty good at it by now, dont you think? |
LYNCH | Not me, Im all thumbs. |
BAGGOT | You got a career. You got job security. And then one day, you get the bad news: Youre free. Now you got no job, no prospects. And no experience. You want to go back to Africa, of course, but you cant afford the passage. And top o that, you got family to feed. |
EVAN | When you put it that way, they was better off workin the plantation. |
BAGGOT | Thats right. So now what happens when your old boss comes around, says, "Ill tell you what. How about you come on back home and pick some cotton and Ill give you each a dollar a month?" |
JANES | A dollar a month?! Why, thats highway robbery! |
AVNER | Its worse than that, its horse thievery! |
LYNCH | Horse theft?! Thats a hangin offense. Ill go get some rope! |
BAGGOT | Now calm down. They pay em a dollar to work, sure enough. But then they charge em two dollars for room and board and it all evens out. |
EVAN | Well, that sounds like it works out better for everybody. |
BAGGOT | Course, it does. And thats what I mean by southern ingenuity. Emancipationll be exactly the same as no emancipation for the slaves, and the plantationsll be makin an extra dollar a head every month. |
EVAN | Well, then, so why dont we want that? |
JANES | Havent you been paying attention? It changes the way were used to doing things. |
EVAN | But it changes things for the better, right? |
AVNER | Oh for criminys sakes. Whats better about being different? |
EVAN | (to BAGGOT) But you said |
AVNER | Look, its like this: First you change things for the better. And maybe that seems like a good idea at the time. But if that works out, God forbid, then folks are gonna want to change a few more things for the better. And a few more. Pretty soon everythings changed for the better and nothings the same, and thats a change for the worse! |
JANES | And once everythings different, you got nothing to fall back on. And then where will you be? |
EVAN | Somewhere else? |
JANES | Thats right! Somewhere else. Hell, for example. Thats somewhere else. |
BAGGOT | Or San Francisco. Thats sure as hell somewhere else. |
LYNCH | It sure as hell aint here. |
AVNER | Or how bout Brooklyn Borough, New York. Howd you like to live there? |
LYNCH | No, thank you. |
JANES | But thats where were gonna end up if this keeps up. First stop New York. Then San Francisco. Then to hell in a handbasket. And all because the goddamn PresidentGod bless him |
ALL | God bless him. |
JANES | Couldnt leave well enough alone! |
AVNER | Its like the time they built that bridge over from Chandlersville. Wasnt it good for the economy, at first? |
JANES | Sure, cause we had all those Chandies comin over here buyin up our goods and shopping at the general store. |
AVNER | But you build a bridge, its a slippery slope, isnt that right, Baggot? You own the general store. How was business before they put in that the footbridge? |
BAGGOT | Bad. Purt near bankrupt. |
AVNER | But now we got a bridge, and youre about the richest man in two counties. |
BAGGOT | Thats right. |
AVNER | And now you couldnt get rid of those Chandies if you wanted to. |
BAGGOT | Ygot that right. I got their goddamn kids runnin in and out o my store all day long buyin up candy and sweet tea. Runnin errands for their parents. |
AVNER | How you think theyd take it if you put up a sign says, "No Customers from Chandlersville"? |
BAGGOT | They wouldnt. Id be dead broke in a week. |
AVNER | Soon as you let other people into your way of life, it stops being your way of life and starts being "our" way of life. And that aint no life at all. |
JANES | Do you realize, thanks to that goddamn bridge, theres folks I couldnt even see from this side of the river, and now I gotta pass em on the street every morning and say "How do" if they even half-way smile at me? And ask em "Hows your kin?" and talk about the weather when I see em in church. |
LYNCH | I cant even go to my Klan meetings anymore, they got so many Chandies showin up to help with the lynchings. |
AVNER | Its not two years since they put in that bridge and now some of my best friends is folks used to be from Chandlersville, and you know how that makes me feel? |
LYNCH | Dirty. |
EVAN | Im from Chandlersville. |
AVNER | All right. So think how youre gonna feel a coupla years down the line, when you got friends used to be slaves. |
LYNCH | It makes my skin creep. |
EVAN | So thats why youre against abolition, even though youre an abolitioner? |
AVNER | I told ya, I aint no abolitioner. I wish youd stop sayin that! |
LYNCH | But you run a stop on the Underground Railroad, Avner. |
AVNER | Thats right, Im proud to say. I got 37 neggras in my fruit cellar right now. And thats the way Id like to keep it. Today, they look up to me. But you know what happens to me if they free those slaves? |
JANES | You got one happy fruit cellar? |
AVNER | Im outta business is what happens. Maybe they start thinkin bein in my fruit cellars not such a good deal. Maybe they start to thinkin theyre doing me a favor bein there. Maybe they start thinking theyd be happier in my fruit cellar if Harriet Tubman was runnin the Underground Railroad. And next thing you know Im tossed out o my own home on account of I tried to help those people. |
LYNCH | Some folks is just born ungrateful. |
AVNER | Look, Im not gonna stand here and defend abolition. It sounds too much like abomination. And thats in the Bible. |
JANES | Halleluh. |
AVNER | But slaverys in the Bible, too. And thats a sin. And when you got God Almighty on the one hand, and Jesus Christ Almighty Jr. on the other, some times its best to leave well enough alone and not take sides. |
JANES | Im with you on that score. I got nothing against any o Gods creatures. Even if some of em he messed up and shoulda had to do over again. Didnt I bring a pitcher o cool water and a tray o doughnuts over to your fruit cellar the time they was gettin' heat stroke cause you locked em in there too long during that drought we had? |
AVNER | I was outta town on business. What was I supposed to do? |
JANES | The point is, I dont mind if a coupla slaves wanna escape up north to Canada and act like theyre free up there in the privacy of their own country. But you free all the slaves at once, just on general principle, just cause it seems like the decent thing to do, and it wont be long before we got some of em runnin around free right here in town. Next thing you know, theyll be teachin it in schools. |
EVAN | Teaching slavery? |
JANES | No, thats sick. Theyll be teachin that slaves is free. |
LYNCH | That aint right. |
EVAN | Can they do that? |
BAGGOT | No, they cant do it, cause its a damn lie, is what it is. Its a historical fact that slaves are not free. And if we let our children think that slaves is free, then it changes the whole definition of freedom. Thats what I cant stand about these abolitionists. Always tryin to redefine freedom. |
JANES | There oughta be a law against it. |
EVAN | Against freedom? |
BAGGOT | No! Against changin the definition of freedom to include people who wasnt free to begin with. |
EVAN | Wouldnt we just use the old definition? |
JANES | What about a constitutional amendment? |
BAGGOT | Now theres a good idea! A constitutional amendment to protect the traditional meaning of freedom. |
EVAN | Which is what? |
AVNER | That all men are created equal, and have the God-given right to do all the things God put us on the earth to do. And women and darkies can stay in the fruit cellar where they belong. |
LYNCH | But aint some o the darkies men, too? |
BAGGOT | Now you wanna change the definition of manhood? |
JANES | You got women in your fruit cellar, Avner? |
AVNER | Of course I do. And it wouldnt be none o your business if I did! |
LYNCH | That dont sound right. |
AVNER | Whatre they gonna do about it? They cant vote. |
EVAN | Why do you have em there? |
AVNER | You see? Do you see whats wrong with this country? Twenty-five years ago, you wouldnt dare to ask me that question in broad daylight. But nowadays I have to explain myself why I want to keep things in my fruit cellar thats always been in my fruit cellar, and I shouldnt have to explain it. Whats the world coming to? |
JANES | Perdition, if you ask me. |
BAGGOT | Youre right, Avner. You may be an abolitioner, but your business is your business. And the governments got no business pokin around in it. What we all do in the privacy of our own home oughta be a sacred trust between a man and his conscience. |
EVAN | And what if he dont have a conscience? |
BAGGOT | Well, then its nobodys damn business at all. Including him. |
AVNER | You give people freedom, theyre gonna want rights. Rights, theyll want jobs. Jobs theyll want to vote, and you know whats next? Beastuality! |
JANES | That seems a mite far-fetched. |
LYNCH | Yeah, how do you get from freein a coupla slaves to a man makin sweet love to his livestock? Which oughta be legal, if ya ask me. |
AVNER | Who says Im talkin about a man? |
JANES | Oh? |
AVNER | You fellas ever seen a pretty southern belle get all hot and flustered after she aint seen her man in awhile cause all the good ones done gone off to war? |
LYNCH | Does she turn to her livestock for comfort? |
AVNER | No! Get your mind outta the pasture! But she might turn to the lovin arms of an educated black man, whos been workin the field all day, covered in sweat and the clean smell o good earth. |
BAGGOT | Educated! Now hold on! |
JANES | But thats impossible! A neggras barely even human. Theys practically a monkey. |
AVNER | Thats right, and once a red-blooded southern gals had her way with practically a monkey, shes gonna want to have her way with actually a monkey. And thats beastuality. And after that shell get into the livestock! |
LYNCH | I like the sound o that. |
AVNER | And next thing yknow theyll be teachin that in school. Cause you know half o them southern belles is just a school marm waitin to happen. |
BAGGOT | The minute them slaves is free, there wont be no such thing as slavery, and when that happens, were all no better than slaves. |
AVNER | You let a slave call himself "free" and "freedom" wont be worth the paper its printed on. (takes out a Confederate dollar) You see what it says here on this worthless Confederate dollar? |
JANES | "Freedom". My God, its happening already! |
BAGGOT | How you gonna feel when slaves got the same jobs you got? When they got houses and front yards like you got? When they got familys like you got? |
LYNCH | Like a slave, I reckon. |
JANES | Stands to reason. |
AVNER | And it wont stop there. How you gonna like it when they start lynching white folks with the same ropes as neggras? |
EVAN | They cant do that, can they? |
JANES | Theyd have to redefine lynching. |
LYNCH | Redefine lynching? Is nothing sacred? |
AVNER | We got to protect our freedom! |
ALL | Damn straight! |
BAGGOT | I got half a mind to go over to your fruit cellar and teach a coupla folks a thing or two about keepin their hands off o my inalienable rights. |
LYNCH | Ill get some rope! |
(LYNCH rushes off.) | |
AVNER | You know what? Youre right! Im sick o their belly-achin. |
JANES | Hear, hear! |
EVAN | But fellas, dont you think were overreacting just a little? |
ALL | (overreacting) What?! What the?! What did you say?! What the hell did he just say?!! Shut up, I didnt hear what he said! I cant shut up, I dont know what were talking about! |
EVAN | It just seems to me, if freedoms such a good thing, whats the harm in everybody havin some? |
BAGGOT | Everybody? |
EVAN | Yeah, everybody. |
BAGGOT | You want we should give em some of yours, Evan? |
EVAN | Well, no. |
BAGGOT | You want em to have some o mine then? |
EVAN | Thats not what I said. |
BAGGOT | I know what you said, and I dont think you know what youre sayin. |
EVAN | Look, we all love our freedom, dont we? |
JANES | Yhear that, boys? It looks like we got one o them freedom-lovers on our hands. |
AVNER | You know, I think we might just want to think about redefining lynching, after all. |
EVAN | Now, wait a minute |
JANE | All in favor? |
ALL | Aye! |
AVNER | Opposed? |
(Enter LYNCH.) | |
LYNCH | I got the rope! |
JANE | Motion carried. |
BAGGOT | Halleluh. |
(They close in on EVAN, as the lights fade to black.) |