God Damn It: Stop Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain!

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2006

You know what pisses me the fuck off?
Taking the Lord’s God-damn name in vain.
Jesus fuck! I hate that!
But these shit heads just keep doing it.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though:
All through history, people keep puttin’ words in God’s mouth.
Like the fucking Catholics:
Back in the day, the medieval Church wanted to help out the local fishermen.
So they made it a rule to eat fish on Friday.
Colossians 2:16-23! Look it up, faggot ass!
But they made a rule about it anyway.
And then they made it a sin.
Then they made it a mortal sin.
They were sending people to burn in the fiery fucking pits of Satan’s ass crack
Because they weren’t supporting the LOCAL fishing industry.

Now I’ve got nothin’ against religious folks trying to be more active in politics.
But when they start saying that THEIR politics are what GOD wants.
That sucks fucking cock!
That sucks Jesus Christ’s cock.
While fisting him. In his God damn ass.

Like tax cuts!
I don’t like taxes.
Nobody LIKES taxes.
But when the Bush-for-God party tries to tell you that JESUS likes tax cuts.
Or Jesus wants to drill for oil in the Arctic Wildlife Reserve.
That’s fucking gay.
And not in a good homosexual way.
That’s gay in a "What kinda faggot says this kinda shit" kinda way.

Oh, you don’t like taxes?
Jesus fucking Mary and Joseph! At the same time! With a 2-way dildo!
You know who hates taxes?
JEWS in the time of Jesus.
They REEEALLY hated taxes.
Because THEIR tax shekels went to Rome.
To pay for armies.
To kill Jews.
OOOOOH, they hated taxes. Hated ‘em.
That’s why the Pharisees thought they could really nail Jesus with a trick question about taxes:

"Hey, Jesus, whaddaya think about taxes?"
‘Cause if he says he likes ‘em:
All his followers who hate taxes will hate his Jew-hating guts.
But if he says he doesn’t like ‘em, and don’t pay ‘em:
He’s breaking the law and the Romans can arrest him.
"So what’s it gonna be, Jesus? Huh, Jesus, huh? Betcha we gotcha there, Jesus, huh?"

But you can’t fucking trick fucking Jesus fucking Christ! Christ Almighty!
‘Cause, you know what Jesus said?

He said, "Hey, buddy! Hey, Pharisee dude! Got any change? You got a quarter? Take it out. Take a look at it. Whose face is on the quarter?"
And they said, "Washington."
And he said, "Render unto Washington, the things which are Washington’s."

And that’s straight from the horse’s ass.
From Jesus Christ the son of the God of the Republican party.
Pay your fucking taxes.

So, if you want tax cuts. That’s fine. Vote for tax cuts.
TELL other people to vote for tax cuts.
But that’s not from Jesus.
That’s you personally, wanting a little more cash in your pocket.
That’s the love o’ money talking.
The LOVE of MONEY. Which is the root of all evil.
Ring a bell?
Love of money? Root of all evil? Love of money? Root of all evil?

"But–But–But Jesus says–"
Jesus doesn’t say shit.
Jesus doesn’t say shit about the Arctic Wildlife Reserve
Jesus doesn’t give a fuck what kind of car you drive.
Jesus doesn’t give a rat’s fucking ass about fucking abortion.
You do.

But you know what the worst case of taking the Lord’s name in vain is?
Taking the Lord’s name in vain!

Because it’s thanks to shit heads like this that most of you actually think I just changed the subject. Most of you are wondering:

"What the FUCK do tax cuts have to do with taking the Lord’s name in vain?!
Oh, shit, I said, ‘fuck’. I took the Lord’s name in vain. I’m going to hell for that."

No, you’re not, asshole!
You’re goin’ to hell for SAYING you’re going to hell, is what you’re going to hell for. That, and some other shit you did in God’s name.
But "shit", "fuck", "cock ass", "pussy faggot nigger jiz balls cunt cunt piddle piddle turd"
is not taking the Lord’s name in vain!
That’s taking the Lord’s name in vain. Kind of.

But now, thanks to these shit heads, we’ve got all these fucked-up ideas about "swearing", which isn’t even swearing. And cussing, which is not the same as cursing.
Because way back when those Catholics were trying to get more fish in your diet.

"It’ll be good for them. We should make it a sin not to do it."
Some prick at the meeting said,

"And you know what else I hate? Cussing.
Why, I was just down at the fish market, handing out flyers, and those sailors were cussing like… Well, like sinful people.
In fact it ought to be a sin.
It’s not. But it ought to be.
Now that I mention it, I did hear one of them say ‘God damn it’. That’s kind of like ‘God damn you’. Which if that’s what he had said would have been cursing, which would have been taking the Lord’s name in vain - If that’s what he had done, but he didn’t. And, GOLLY, do I hate that.
Y’know, we oughta just call the whole ball-o’-rope ‘taking the Lord’s name in vain’, and then we can send ‘em all straight to hell whenever they call me a bitch.
Oh, yes, put ‘bitch’ on that list. I hate that word. And ‘nigger’.
I’m sure I’ll hate the word in six or seven hundred years."

And next thing you know, we can’t say "nigger" in front of Jesus, ‘cause it’s in the Bible.

Taking the Lord’s name in vain is not about etiquette or table manners.
It’s about pretending to be God.
He put it in the top 3 commandments of all time:
"No other god, No graven image, No taking my name"
Because God had a HUGE problem with so-called "religious" folks telling people:

"God told me this, and God told me that."
And if you disagree with me: May the Lord God of Heaven strike you dead where you stand. I call the Lord’s damnation down upon you! God damn you in your shoes. God… DAMN YOU!
Yo, God, I’m talkin’ here!
I told you to do something.
Heh heh. I guess that didn’t work. Heh heh. I guess that whole thing I just did was kind of in vain. Heh heh. Yeh, I guess God’s not gonna damn well damn you just because I said he should. Heh heh. My bad. I hope you didn’t… change your vote or anything because of what I just said, did you?
Whoops. Sorry about that.
Better luck next election.

That’s what taking the Lord’s name in vain is: Calling down damnation on someone because they didn’t do what you want them to do.
Saying God flew planes into the World Trade Center because of all the faggots and liberals, just because you don’t like faggots and liberals. That’s taking the Lord’s name in vain.
Trying to convince people that God gave Ariel Sharon a heart attack because he didn’t agree with your ideas about politics in the Middle East. That’s taking the Lord’s name in vain.

So next time somebody tells you you’re taking the Lord’s name in vain
Because you slammed your thumb in a car door.
Tell them to go fuck Jesus in his cunty little asshole
Because a couple years from now when
They’re all burning in H-E-double-cocks-up

You’ll be sitting at the right hand of God
Just shootin’ the shit.